question of the day.

September 2, 2009 / emmykay / 2 Comments

I am posting this question and my response as a blog entry for two reasons 1) I’ve asked this question myself and 2) I am sure that anyone reading my blog has probably asked a very similar question. I just happen to have one dear friend who was brave enough to just come out and ask it and I love that she did.

The Question: “I’d be interested to know how God can see that having children is best for a teenager, still a child, but not for the many good valued, hard working men and woman on this planet who suffer with infertility? I admit, I will be your worst critic, but I am curious how that can be explained?”

This is really several questions rolled into one and I don’t really have an answer. I can address the question with my own experiences and what God has shown me through those experiences. And I can address the question with the knowledge I have about God through the Bible. But really, the only person who can provide a definitive answer on this question is God. That being said…

The first question seems to be why does God seemingly reward bad behavior, ie. teenage pregnancy?

This is an especially difficult part of the question for me. And the first thing I have to do is check my own heart.

When I was little and I got in trouble for something, I would often resort to, “Yeah, but she…” Wrong. Answer.

It wasn’t about what my sister or brother or neighbor did – it was about me. What I did. What I needed to learn. It’s not my job to be God, it’s God’s job to be God.

Even still, in arguments with my husband I find myself saying, “Well, fine, but last week, you did xyz.” And surprisingly (sarcasm), the arguments only escalate needlessly.

Still, dealing with a major issue, especially with our fertility issues, it has caused me to pause and wonder: How does a loving and gracious God allow a teenager to get pregnant easily while other, more mature and stable couples struggle?

I know that we live in a fallen world where people make bad decisions. Nowhere in the Bible did God say that we would live a life free of consequences on earth. As a Christian who loves Jesus, I know that my sins are forgiven in heaven, but often I have to deal with the consequences on earth. If I screw up, I have to own it and work through it.

People with children know that sometimes the best thing for your kids is to let them experience the consequences of their actions. Life provides the most memorable and deeply rooted lessons.

Based on my own experiences and what I’ve learned about God, this is what I think with regards to the pregnant teenager: anyone who has sexual intercourse runs the risk of getting pregnant. That is life. Sex is a very adult experience that has serious adult consequences. And outside of marriage, it can lead to unwanted/unplanned pregnancies and the spread of some pretty nasty diseases. I don’t believe teenagers are being rewarded with babies for their indiscretions, they are simply living with the consequences of it. How teenagers choose to handle their unplanned pregnancy will change their life and it will form a big piece of who they are. That is a mighty big consequence for a 15 year old and not something that I would have wanted to deal with at that tender age. But that’s what happens when participating in adult activities before you are ready to deal with the very adult consequences.

Second issue: so why do bad things happen to reasonably good people?

Alright, fine, maybe I can live with the answer to the first question. Maybe I can focus on working on me. Maybe I can live with the fact that sometimes people make bad decisions.

But what about people who try really, really hard to be good and don’t get what they want anyway?

For me, addressing this part of the question, continues to take a lot of soul searching.

Frank and I have a fantastic life together. We are mostly responsible (the occasional 18 month old tub of margarine not included). We think we could be pretty capable parents (but totally reserve the right to play pranks on any future children). We don’t smoke, we drink occasionally, and we’ve never even tried drugs. I mean, it looks pretty good and stable on paper – so why are we having such a hard time having kids? How is it that we haven’t earned biological children?

This, for me, comes down to my relationship with God and who He is and who I am.

I wish God was Santa Clause because then I could sit on His lap (does God have a lap?) and ask Him for a better metabolism. And smaller feet.

But he is not Santa Claus – and thank goodness (more cookies for me!)! I know that God is good, all of the time. Even when I am not good, He is steadfastly good. I know this from reading the Bible and I know this from my own life experiences.

It’s just hard to believe sometimes, especially when I am not getting what I want or my heart is breaking, it is hard to believe that. But then I see the evidence in my life of His goodness. I went through a lot of heartache with several guys before I met Frank. I know that if I stayed with any of those guys, I would not be as happy as I am today! But man, at the time, those break ups HURT. Ick.

I experienced a lot of the same with jobs, promotions, houses, family, etc, etc, etc. Things that initially seemed to be horrible, later turned out just fine.

I know, for myself, that no one deserves children. Children are a blessing. I cannot earn them, no one can. You can’t earn blessings. If you could, they’d be called paychecks.

And I am sure any parent reading this blog can testify that children are NOT paychecks – they are paycheck spenders!

If children were earned on a merit system, the world would look a lot different. A lot more people would have biological children that want them – and the fostercare system would probably be empty.

We know SO many couples struggling with infertility and many of those couples have been (and are!) a tremendous blessing to Frank and me. So many of these couples have shared their stories,wisdom, heartache, hopes and their sorrows with us and helped us figure out our own path. Without them, I would feel so alone in this and I don’t. So even in a time that could be full of only sadness, we have community, love and hope.

I guess the last thing I want to say about this (and this is really such a Reader’s Digest version of my feelings on the topic) is that I didn’t get to this point of view over night. God has been teaching me and helping me understand and providing before I even know what I need. And God listens to prayer. He may not do what I want Him to do, but the evidence in my life says that He always gives me His best.

I’m pretty ok with that.

loopholes

August 30, 2009 / emmykay / 5 Comments

We’re at the part of our regularly scheduled program where I start looking for loopholes.

Well, maybe not actively looking for loopholes, but today I thought one fell into my lap. At church, Pastor Darren Whitehead talked about Matthew 7:7 – “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you.”

My ears perked up. If asking was all it took then, man, I’ve been asking for a while. Maybe I just need to remind God of what I want. Maybe he just hasn’t heard what I was saying. Maybe if I just reminded him of this verse, He’d say, “Oh, ok, that’s right, you got me, here you go!”

As with everything in life, context is just as important as content.

Matthew goes on to say, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ”

Parents do not seek to torment their children (well, bad jokes and green beans aside). Matthew is right – parents do not substitute horrible things for healthy things simply to do harm to their children. A rock instead of bread? A snake instead of fish? What loving parent does that to their child?

Because God is my Father, then surely when I have asked him for a child, He is not substituting it with an empty womb just for jollies. As a matter of fact, the last line of that scripture says that God our Father is even MORE generous than our earthly fathers.

So I come to a familiar place in my walk with God. I am faced with two opposing ideas: either God is who He says He is and I am wrong, or God is NOT who He says He is and I am right. In this particular case, the two options I was weighing were Option 1: God must not be a very good Heavenly Father OR Option 2: my brain cannot fathom the generosity of God.

Considering that so many things in my life bear witness to the great goodness of God and there is a 2,000+ year old book testifying to the grace and goodness of God, I have to say that Option 1 is not possible. While I’d love to recount for you the many times I didn’t get what I wanted, each of those times is perfectly balanced with God providing something that I hadn’t considered – and it was infinitely better than what I thought I wanted. And sometimes I didn’t get what I wanted just because it wasn’t good for me. Like chocolate cake for breakfast. Mmm.

Pastor Darren told a story about taking his 3 year old daughter to an apple orchard. She immediately ran to the apples in the grass and picked them up and tried to eat them. But the apples on the ground were rotten and wormy, and Pastor Darren took those apples away from her. He lifted her up and showed her the fresh, ripe apples in the tree that were infinitely better than the rotting ones on the ground.

So often I forget to lift my eyes and see the better fruit that God has for me. I am so focused on wanting an apple, I don’t consider anything else and run to the first rotting apples I see. And that helped me see that Option 2 is the accurate view.

But the problem with Option 2 is that I want children so badly that it can be so hard to realize that God has a bigger vision for my life, a better view and a greater story to tell. “What can be bigger, better, or even greater than having kids?” demands my temper tantrum throwing little self.

That just tells you how short-sighted and selfish I can be.

And the loophole closes.

give me Your heart

August 27, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

I think I am at the numb stage of this mess. I am not crying about it whenever I think of it, but it almost doesn’t feel real. A year ago, having children was a very real possibility, just on the horizon. We were working to position ourselves financially, geographically, emotionally and mentally for the prospect of having children.

The possibilities were endless.

When we started trying, I started thinking about the possible due dates. I would calculate the new due date, just in case that month worked. A baby in September of 2009 was the first due date I calculated.

That is next month.

And I don’t say that as a “Next month is going to be a mess emotionally, so stay away” kind of warning (although, I might be a mess next month – I make no promises). I say it as a way of marking time.

Then, now, and the space in between.

I was hopeful that when we went to Vegas, that when we came home, we’d be expecting a baby. May 14th would have been the due date. When I started to get hopeful, I thought about how wonderful it would be for a new baby and Frank to share the same birthday month. Especially if we had a little boy.

When we started this journey, this hope for a baby was wide and vast and full.

And as the days and weeks and months ticked by, possibility was replaced by reality.

What is.

It is SO tempting for me to think about what could have been.

But what is the use of that?

There is only what was, what is and what will be.

And there is still hope, hope placed in a future and born out of the past and present. Not hope placed in the woulda, coulda, shouldas. Real hope. Paul in the Bible says, perseverance in difficult times builds character and character gives us hope.

We talked tonight about the evidence of God in our lives. I look at my life and I see God’s hand moving in my life – sometimes vibrantly, sometimes quietly.

Being a mom isn’t about being able to bear biological children. It’s about the act of mothering, nurturing, growing, building and loving.

And being a follower of Jesus is about loving as He loved.

When I left Bible Study tonight, there was a song playing on The Mix and the lyrics of the song were:

Give me your eyes!
Lord give me your eyes!
Everything I keep missing.
Give me your arms!
For the broken hearted!
Give me your arms
Lord, give me your eyes.
(Brendan Heath, Give Me Your Eyes)

That song met me right where I was at, right at that moment. It’s about me (you, everyone) being after God’s heart. Loving as He loves. Being heartbroken for the things that break His heart. Celebrating the things He celebrates. Greiving what He greives.

I have a long way to go.

not the miracle i was expecting

August 25, 2009 / emmykay / 6 Comments

Well, with a force that my body has not demonstrated in years, my period started again.

It was not the miracle I was expecting.

I fought back tears for a little bit in the bathroom at work and then I put on my happy face and went back to work.

What can I do about it anyway?

There is no use in wallowing, but man – this is tough crap. I think that when Paul wrote to rejoice in our trials and suffering, this is what he was talking about. When he said rejoice, did he mean crawl in bed and hide under the covers for a few days? Cuz man, that is about as much rejoicing as I am able to do do right now.

But: When I look back at the person that I was just a decade ago and the person that God is shaping me to be, through the difficult circumstances and heart ache that we experienced, I believe that it is some kind of miracle. Glory belongs to God, regardless of my circumstance. Because of Him, this kind of empty heartache ends here on earth and is replaced with the fullness of joy we can have in Him in heaven.

Praise God that He is a long term visionary.

He knew that this day would happen and He paved a path for me that gives me hope in what feels like a hopeless situation. Despite the bad test results last week and no pregnancy today, I know that there is hope. And not necessarily that I believe that there is hope for a child (although I do hope for children), but a bigger hope for a future that is greater than this moment. Our fertility (or infertility) may be a situation affects me, but it will not be a situation that defines me.

So I may be sad right now, because well, this is a sad time. But I will not be sad forever. God may not promise children to me, but He did promise salvation if I believe.

That’s a pretty sweet miracle.

processing

August 23, 2009 / emmykay / 1 Comment

My initial response to the test results was really not, what I would call, “positive.”

As a matter of fact, it was pretty ugly. U. G. L. Y. You ain’t got no alibi – you ugly!

Sorry, it was too tempting to slip into SNL mode.

I’m not sure what the next step in the grieving process technically is, but I have been bouncing around all of the steps, sometimes in the same 10 minute period. Just in the past 20 minutes:

Denial. (Nah. The doctor was just kidding. She’s such a kidder!)
Anger. (F* this crap)
Irrational hope (could be denial? who cares! we still have a 1 in a million shot!)
Shock. (really? really???)
Guilt. (this is because I (fill in the blank) when I was (fill in the blank))
Denial. (La la la la)
Obsession. (Not just a fragarance, but a very real experience. Website du jour: WebMD)

I don’t know what our next steps are. I have to remember that. It doesn’t look good right now, but who knows. All is not completely lost yet. But I have to be prepared either way.

I do know that I don’t want to be treated differently, but I need people to know that I may not come to every baby shower, first birthday or otherwise kid-ful event, but I still want to have the option. It would be worse to be a social outcast AND struggling with fertility. But I don’t want a second’s worth of guilt over saying no. And I don’t want to have to explain it. So I’m not going to.

I do know that God has control of this situation. He knew about it before I was even born. And He has a plan. But man, this is rough.

another set back.

August 22, 2009 / emmykay / 3 Comments

I had another round of tests done before my doctor went on vacation and before Frank and I went to Vegas. Friday my doctor called with the results and they were bad. I have to get a second opinion on it, but it’s not looking good. It would take a miracle for me to be pregnant this month. Please pray for one.

I held it together at work pretty well. I was in shock for the first hour after. I managed to call Frank and tell him. And then I sat at my desk, fighting back tears and trying to keep a wavering smile on my face. On the way home I screamed and cried and used some unattractive swear words. When I came home, I curled up next to Frank and he said, “Ok, we are going to be upset about this for one hour. Then we are going to do things we can control, like clean out the basement.” So for one hour we were sad and then after that, we turned on some music and threw out the junk in our basement and added to our garage sale pile.

So yeah, we’re looking for a miracle – and I don’t mean a ticket to a Grateful Dead concert.

I am asking God for more peace. I am so beyond angry about this. And really, I don’t feel that I should be angry about this. It’s like going to Vegas and losing while other people win. And then going outside of the casino and realizing most of the world can’t afford the dollar to play because they are starving and thirsty and cold.

We are so blessed in so many ways. We have each other, for one. He is absolutely my soul mate and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. We have families that we love and that taught us a lot about life and loving. We have amazing friends. We both have awesome jobs. Jobs that are interesting and exciting and enriching. We have a home that we really enjoy and love. Our cup runs over.

So I am angry, but then I think about all of these awesome blessings that we God has provided while so many others around the world need clean water and a three meals per day.

But, oh, does my heart ache.

doing better

August 19, 2009 / emmykay / 1 Comment

today was a little bit better than yesterday night.

Frank was amazing. I came home from a reception after work and was so hungry that I didn’t know if I wanted to eat now, order food or go out to eat. On the way home I changed my mind three times. While Frank may have been tempted to throw up his hands and say “screw this!” – he didn’t.

We went to a nice Mexican restaurant and then stopped at Dominicks and rented He’s Just Not That Into You. Oh, goodness – all of the mistakes I made in my dating life!! If only I had that movie back then. But I have to say, I think it all worked out perfectly. But man – I was an idiot.

Moving on.

I decided to go with snuggling on the couch and renting a rom-com instead of going to the theaters and watching The Time Traveler’s Wife because, well, I sobbed when I read the book. And considering my fragile hormonal state, why risk it? Maybe Friday. Maybe.

The upside: I’ve been drinking more water, so the crying isn’t dehydrating me. I mean, silver lining on everything, hey?

emotions, much?

August 18, 2009 / emmykay / 6 Comments

Well, thanks to the fine folks that make progesterone supplements and the delightful prescription that my doc writes me every month, Frank found himself on an all-expenses paid trip to crazyville. This 8th layer of hell included only myself, crying and leaking snot all over my face. What did he do to deserve such a horrific punishment? Well, he was home. Since I try my hardest to not go crazy all over his a$$ while he’s out of town, and I try not to lose it on vacations – that pretty much only leaves the first night that he is home for me to unload.

Hello, Frank. Welcome to your worst nightmare.

On tap for tonight we have just a large dose of fertility blues with a side of emotional baggage. And if you’re interested in dessert, we can certainly arrange for some self-pity a la mode.

What brings on crazy, Emily? I’m going to go with the progesterone supplement I took tonight. See, all day was fine. Good day. Solid. I took the supplement when I got home and I was almost in tears watching The Lovely Bones movie trailer with Dor. And then we watched Chuck, an otherwise upbeat show – and I almost lost it watching Chuck’s sister get married.

The good thing is that I know it’s not entirely me. I know I would normally be in a lot more control of my feelings. But man, the thought of doing this for another week, or even doing this for another month – that’s daunting. Especially since I am fighting the urge to compare myself to others – those who have had it easier or those who have had it worse – for either justification of my anger (the former) or comfort (the latter). And neither is the right answer.

Frank is home, which makes this easier to do than to do it alone. Thank God for Frank. 🙂

rough night.

August 16, 2009 / emmykay / 2 Comments

Call me hormonal… cuz I think I am.

I just want to cry at everything. I’m on a progesterone supplement and I think that’s the main cause of this situation I find myself in. I went to a wake for a man I didn’t know, and just the sight of a dear friend in distress caused me to almost lose it (normally I can maintain myself in those kinds of situations).

Poor Frank got a dose of it this afternoon. ::sigh:: He handles it well.

Ok, I’m going to go work out and hope that it helps the situation.

AGH!!

shoppin' and bakin'

August 7, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

Today was not as productive as I had hoped. I sort of recovered for the morning and then went out into the world

Stop one: Chase.

This was the part of the day where I confessed my idiocy to a complete stranger. Somehow (I am vague on purpose cuz I know how) I wound up with 3 debit cards. An old one and two new ones. I activated one of the new ones, which in turn, deactivated the old one. But I didn’t have the pin for the new one. So I went up to the fine tellers at chase, laid out my three cards and told them all of my troubles. They fixed it and even lied to me, saying, “This happens all the time.” Right. Nice.

Stop one and a half: Dominick’s

Since the Chase branch is IN the Dominick’s grocery store, I figured I’d pick up a few missing essentials – cotton balls, razors, bread, two pints of Fro-Yo (Frozen Yogurt) and Magic Shell. Have I mentioned that I am having a roughish day?

Stop two: Bed Bath & Beyond.

And this was the part of my day where I resisted mightily purchasing something for myself. I wanted some air-tight canisters for my flour and sugar. I wanted a rug for the office in the basement. I wanted a new TV stand. I want, I want, I want… But I stayed the course. I only purchased the gift I needed for the shower tomorrow… oh, and a pack of gum. And now my dear friend’s registry has Dentyne on it – cuz the cashier put it on her registry. So it should say, “Dentyne Gum. Wants: 0, Has: 1” What’s going to be the real bummer is that I have no plans of giving her the gum. Hey, you can’t have everything.

Stop three: Valli’s.

This was one of those stops where Dorothy sort of veered across three lanes of traffic (not really) and squealed into the parking lot saying, “Guys! Since we’re here, just gotta get a few things.” Like we’d say no to that. (we = Kristin H-J and me). The produce at Valli’s is SO cheap. SO. Cheap! But again, I resisted the urge to make any rash purchases and instead just bought some bread flour. Yum.

Stop four: Dorothy & Erik’s

Okay, I haven’t made this stop yet because I am patiently waiting for the durned bread to be done. “C’mon bread, you can do it!”

Addendum to Day 1 Post:

Talked to La Doctor today. She is upping my Clomid (seriously, if everyone is suddenly busy in August, I understand. Heck, I want to avoid me too!). I don’t really have any more to say about that. I have to be home on Monday to receive my meds, so I’m not sure I’ll make it to the Wisco State Fair. Grrr! All hope is not lost yet, tho…

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/05/the-bread-in-his-words/