My initial response to the test results was really not, what I would call, “positive.”
As a matter of fact, it was pretty ugly. U. G. L. Y. You ain’t got no alibi – you ugly!
Sorry, it was too tempting to slip into SNL mode.
I’m not sure what the next step in the grieving process technically is, but I have been bouncing around all of the steps, sometimes in the same 10 minute period. Just in the past 20 minutes:
- Denial. (Nah. The doctor was just kidding. She’s such a kidder!)
- Anger. (F* this crap)
- Irrational hope (could be denial? who cares! we still have a 1 in a million shot!)
- Shock. (really? really???)
- Guilt. (this is because I (fill in the blank) when I was (fill in the blank))
- Denial. (La la la la)
- Obsession. (Not just a fragarance, but a very real experience. Website du jour: WebMD)
I don’t know what our next steps are. I have to remember that. It doesn’t look good right now, but who knows. All is not completely lost yet. But I have to be prepared either way.
I do know that I don’t want to be treated differently, but I need people to know that I may not come to every baby shower, first birthday or otherwise kid-ful event, but I still want to have the option. It would be worse to be a social outcast AND struggling with fertility. But I don’t want a second’s worth of guilt over saying no. And I don’t want to have to explain it. So I’m not going to.
I do know that God has control of this situation. He knew about it before I was even born. And He has a plan. But man, this is rough.