processing

My initial response to the test results was really not, what I would call, “positive.”

As a matter of fact, it was pretty ugly.  U. G. L. Y.  You ain’t got no alibi – you ugly!

Sorry, it was too tempting to slip into SNL mode.

I’m not sure what the next step in the grieving process technically is, but I have been bouncing around all of the steps, sometimes in the same 10 minute period.  Just in the past 20 minutes:

  • Denial. (Nah.  The doctor was just kidding.  She’s such a kidder!)
  • Anger. (F* this crap)
  • Irrational hope (could be denial? who cares!  we still have a 1 in a million shot!)
  • Shock.  (really?  really???)
  • Guilt.  (this is because I (fill in the blank) when I was (fill in the blank))
  • Denial.  (La la la la)
  • Obsession.  (Not just a fragarance, but a very real experience.  Website du jour: WebMD)

I don’t know what our next steps are.  I have to remember that.  It doesn’t look good right now, but who knows.  All is not completely lost yet. But I have to be prepared either way.

I do know that I don’t want to be treated differently, but I need people to know that I may not come to every baby shower, first birthday or otherwise kid-ful event, but I still want to have the option.  It would be worse to be a social outcast AND struggling with fertility.  But I don’t want a second’s worth of guilt over saying no.  And I don’t want to have to explain it.  So I’m not going to.

I do know that God has control of this situation.  He knew about it before I was even born.  And He has a plan.  But man, this is rough.

One thought on “processing

  1. It *is* rough. I’m so sorry. I don’t know if I’ve said this here yet (I tend to say it as often as possible, and then some, so sorry if I’m repeating myself) but they say people struggling with infertility exhibit levels of depression and anxiety similar to people diagnosed with AIDS and cancer. For some strange reason, that makes me feel better. I think it makes me feel better because it validates the fact that it is emotionally gut-wrenching to be infertile. It is a very visceral, biological hurt, compounded by all the emotional issues. Anyway, I’m glad you’re processing. Keep processing… as much as you can. I think the processing keeps us moving forward. And when you’re stuck and can’t process anymore, own it and speak it. I think that’s what keeps “stuckness” from becoming permanent bitterness. Those are just my opinions from my own errors of trying to minimize it, summarize it in pretty packages with neat bows, and ignoring/outright denying it. And if you have any good tips, feel free to throw them my way!

    I have lots and lots (and lots) of books. So if you’re looking for a new way to feed the obsession side of it, I would be happy to lend some to you. Just give me a holler.

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