emotions, much?

Well, thanks to the fine folks that make progesterone supplements and the delightful prescription that my doc writes me every month, Frank found himself on an all-expenses paid trip to crazyville.  This 8th layer of hell included only myself, crying and leaking snot all over my face.  What did he do to deserve such a horrific punishment?  Well, he was home.  Since I try my hardest to not go crazy all over his a$$ while he’s out of town, and I try not to lose it on vacations – that pretty much only leaves the first night that he is home for me to unload.

Hello, Frank.  Welcome to your worst nightmare.

On tap for tonight we have just a large dose of fertility blues with a side of emotional baggage.  And if you’re interested in dessert, we can certainly arrange for some self-pity a la mode.

What brings on crazy, Emily? I’m going to go with the progesterone supplement I took tonight.  See, all day was fine. Good day. Solid.  I took the supplement when I got home and I was almost in tears watching The Lovely Bones movie trailer with Dor.  And then we watched Chuck, an otherwise upbeat show – and I almost lost it watching Chuck’s sister get married.

The good thing is that I know it’s not entirely me.  I know I would normally be in a lot more control of my feelings.  But man, the thought of doing this for another week, or even doing this for another month – that’s daunting. Especially since I am fighting the urge to compare myself to others – those who have had it easier or those who have had it worse – for either justification of my anger (the former) or comfort (the latter).  And neither is the right answer.

Frank is home, which makes this easier to do than to do it alone.  Thank God for Frank. 🙂

6 thoughts on “emotions, much?

  1. It is MUCH easier to stay connected to reality with other people around. In fact, I think that’s been one of my biggest lessons through my infertility experience – God intends me to stay connected to others in very deep, meaningful, painfully honest ways. It’s easier for me to bare my soul in writing than it is face to face or on the phone, but I find the internet gives me a layer of anonymity that prevents me from making myself fully known. It’s something I have to constantly work on, because very hard for me to put my stuff out there. I can talk *about* my stuff, but it’s hard to actually put it OUT there and share the burden of living it.

    I hope you find some stability and peace before the next week is up!

    • Heidi – ah, you are so right on. Thank you for sharing what you do share online because it has really helped me work through this. It’s a different way of ministering to people, but you have definitely ministered to me through your blog. Thank you!

  2. I totally understand! I got back from our trip and had this completely inexplicable down period, where I cried and felt wretched… Horrible. Progesterone is lovely, isn’t it?!!!

  3. Oh my dear friend! I wish there was something as a friend that I could do to make all of this seem a little more bearable. You are an amazing woman to venture through this unknown journey. For obvious reasons I can’t put myself completely in your shoes, however one thing I do know is that they would be huge shoes to fill. In fact, there is not a soul who could fill your shoes. 🙂 Regardless of how the progesterone makes you feel, you are one of the strongest women I know or most likely will ever know. Many prayers and hugs (when I actually get to see you)!

    Love you!

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