Well, with a force that my body has not demonstrated in years, my period started again.
It was not the miracle I was expecting.
I fought back tears for a little bit in the bathroom at work and then I put on my happy face and went back to work.
What can I do about it anyway?
There is no use in wallowing, but man – this is tough crap. I think that when Paul wrote to rejoice in our trials and suffering, this is what he was talking about. When he said rejoice, did he mean crawl in bed and hide under the covers for a few days? Cuz man, that is about as much rejoicing as I am able to do do right now.
But: When I look back at the person that I was just a decade ago and the person that God is shaping me to be, through the difficult circumstances and heart ache that we experienced, I believe that it is some kind of miracle. Glory belongs to God, regardless of my circumstance. Because of Him, this kind of empty heartache ends here on earth and is replaced with the fullness of joy we can have in Him in heaven.
Praise God that He is a long term visionary.
He knew that this day would happen and He paved a path for me that gives me hope in what feels like a hopeless situation. Despite the bad test results last week and no pregnancy today, I know that there is hope. And not necessarily that I believe that there is hope for a child (although I do hope for children), but a bigger hope for a future that is greater than this moment. Our fertility (or infertility) may be a situation affects me, but it will not be a situation that defines me.
So I may be sad right now, because well, this is a sad time. But I will not be sad forever. God may not promise children to me, but He did promise salvation if I believe.
That’s a pretty sweet miracle.