not the miracle i was expecting

Well, with a force that my body has not demonstrated in years, my period started again.

It was not the miracle I was expecting.

I fought back tears for a little bit in the bathroom at work and then I put on my happy face and went back to work.

What can I do about it anyway?

There is no use in wallowing, but man – this is tough crap.  I think that when Paul wrote to rejoice in our trials and suffering, this is what he was talking about.  When he said rejoice, did he mean crawl in bed and hide under the covers for a few days?  Cuz man, that is about as much rejoicing as I am able to do do right now.

But: When I look back at the person that I was just a decade ago and the person that God is shaping me to be, through the difficult circumstances and heart ache that we experienced, I believe that it is some kind of miracle.  Glory belongs to God, regardless of my circumstance.  Because of Him, this kind of empty heartache ends here on earth and is replaced with the fullness of joy we can have in Him in heaven. 

Praise God that He is a long term visionary. 

He knew that this day would happen and He paved a path for me that gives me hope in what feels like a hopeless situation.  Despite the bad test results last week and no pregnancy today, I know that there is hope.  And not necessarily that I believe that there is hope for a child (although I do hope for children), but a bigger hope for a future that is greater than this moment.  Our fertility (or infertility) may be a situation affects me, but it will not be a situation that defines me.

So I may be sad right now, because well, this is a sad time.  But I will not be sad forever.  God may not promise children to me, but He did promise salvation if I believe.

That’s a pretty sweet miracle.

6 thoughts on “not the miracle i was expecting

  1. Em, I totally understand what you are feeling. I know our paths are different, but our goal is the same. Know that through this tribulations, God does have a bigger purpose for you. For me, my lesson, my gift was that Al and I developed a new closeness in spite of our struggles. Feel comforted in the fact that this is merely your stepping stone to motherhood. I know, somehow, things will work out. You and Frank are wonderful people and a child would be doubly blessed to join your home. God Bless. I am here if you need to talk… We have the same goal and heartbreaks. XOXO

    Rose

    • Rose, you are amazing! Thanks so much for your comment and all of your support. I love both you and Al – you are both tremendous people and I am so glad we are getting to be better friends 🙂
      Love ya!
      Em

  2. I feel for you so deeply, but your attitude is so inspiring! You haven’t given in to bitterness, which I have at times. I think you are amazing, and I also have a good feeling for you both. I’m SURE it will happen for you.

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