I think I am at the numb stage of this mess.  I am not crying about it whenever I think of it, but it almost doesn’t feel real.  A year ago, having children was a very real possibility, just on the horizon.  We were working to position ourselves financially, geographically, emotionally and mentally for the prospect of having children.

The possibilities were endless.

When we started trying, I started thinking about the possible due dates.  I would calculate the new due date, just in case that month worked.  A baby in September of 2009 was the first due date I calculated.

That is next month.

And I don’t say that as a “Next month is going to be a mess emotionally, so stay away” kind of warning (although, I might be a mess next month – I make no promises).  I say it as a way of marking time.

Then, now, and the space in between.

I was hopeful that when we went to Vegas, that when we came home, we’d be expecting a baby.  May 14th would have been the due date.  When I started to get hopeful, I thought about how wonderful it would be for a new baby and Frank to share the same birthday month.  Especially if we had a little boy.

When we started this journey, this hope for a baby was wide and vast and full.

And as the days and weeks and months ticked by, possibility was replaced by reality.

What is.

It is SO tempting for me to think about what could have been.

But what is the use of that?

There is only what was, what is and what will be.

And there is still hope, hope placed in a future and born out of the past and present.  Not hope placed in the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  Real hope.  Paul in the Bible says, perseverance in difficult times builds character and character gives us hope.

We talked tonight about the evidence of God in our lives.  I look at my life and I see God’s hand  moving in my life – sometimes vibrantly, sometimes quietly.

Being a mom isn’t about being able to bear biological children.  It’s about the act of mothering, nurturing, growing, building and loving.

And being a follower of Jesus is about loving as He loved.

When I left Bible Study tonight, there was a song playing on The Mix and the lyrics of the song were:

Give me your eyes!
Lord give me your eyes!
Everything I keep missing.
Give me your arms!
For the broken hearted!
Give me your arms
Lord, give me your eyes.
(Brendan Heath, Give Me Your Eyes)

That song met me right where I was at, right at that moment.  It’s about me (you, everyone) being after God’s heart.  Loving as He loves.  Being heartbroken for the things that break His heart. Celebrating the things He celebrates.  Greiving what He greives.

I have a long way to go.