hard

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There are a lot of difficult things that come with struggling with fertility.  Every month is a new adventure in fertility land – new tests, new ultra sounds, new hope.  And so far, for us, every month ends on a low note.  It’s difficult and sometimes heart breaking.

Sometimes the things that I think are going to be hard… aren’t.

In the past 24 hours, I did three things: I went to a wedding, had breakfast with some friends and their baby and received an invitation to a baby shower.

The most emotionally difficult thing for me was not what you would think.  I really enjoyed having breakfast with friends.  Their son is really adorable and quite well behaved!  And the baby shower invitation I recieved was also sweet.  The shower is for a friend who I love dearly.

Interestingly, the most difficult thing for me was the wedding.  Which seems curious because I am married and I am not missing out on nuptials.  Frank and I had a beautiful wedding.  I think about that day quite frequently, actually.

The wedding was difficult because, as I watched my friend’s dad give her away, incredible sadness washed over me.  What if Frank never gets to walk a daughter down the aisle?  What if I never get to dance with my son dance at his wedding?  What if we never see children following in our footsteps, adding chapters to this story that started generations and generations ago?

And that’s what made the wedding hard.

matrimony

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My dear friend Lori married her love, Chris, this afternoon.  She was a stunning bride and he was an adoring groom and the whole event was full of people who loved both of them and wished them nothing but the best.  It was truly a joy to be in the midst of such love, hope and happiness.

Congratulations, Lori & Chris!

7 foods…

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I am finding in the world of organics that there is a lot of discussion about what is acceptable and what is not.  How much (if any) pesticide and herbicide and hormones is acceptable seems to vary depending on who you talk to.  The latest list of foods to watch comes from Prevention via my sister-in-law, KV.  She is really into organics and has even transitioned to safer cleaning products.  Anyway, if you check out the organics section, I’ve included the list and my own comments on each item.

Enjoy!

marriage coach

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So FK and I decided to go see a marriage coach.

Our marriage is not in danger.  Not even close.

As I mentioned in the last post, it has been stronger than ever.

But we recognize that we are getting into an area where we need some extra coaching and training to help us get through a sticky time.

And goodness, was last night refreshing!  Dr. Dave pointed out some areas where we both need to be more intentional about how we talk to eachother.

Like, when I just want to vent or talk through a problem, I need to say, “Hey, Frank, I just need to vent.  And at the end, I might want your opinion.” 

And if Frank has only energy to help me with one thing, then he will say, “Emily, I only have energy for one thing.  What is the one thing that I can do right now and be insured success?”

Sure, this is all intuitive, I suppose.  I think a lot of women would say, “Well, he should just KNOW that I am venting.  WTF is wrong with him that he doesn’t just KNOW?”

I think that’s where I have to put down pride and just say, “this is what I need” because I have to care more about the health of our marriage than my own ego/pride.

It’s sort of like watching what I eat.  I really don’t want to have to write down what I eat and make good decisions.  I want to eat a pie and lose 10 lbs.  But if I am really serious about losing weight, I have to adjust my habits.

We really want our marriage to operate at its best, even in the most difficult conditions.  Like I said, we are doing alright, but it was good to have some coaching.  It was good to have Dr. Dave say, “This is what you need to do.” 

If you’ve never gone to a marriage coach, I suggest it.  Even if everything is going ok, you can never have too many tools in your tool belt.  And in a world that doesn’t promote healthy marriages, it’s nice to go someplace to be encouraged and supported.

Frank is already practicing.  “Emily, I only have energy for one thing.  Either we watch FlashForward or Mad Men.”

We watched FlashForward. 

I love my  husband!

sufficiency

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This round of IUI did not work.

Obviously we are disappointed.  We hoped that it would work, but the odds were against us.

I am sad about it, of course.

But I am not hopeless about this situation.

I know that there is tremendous hope for us.  And it’s not all about having children.  I see how Frank and I are weathering this storm together and how our marriage is staying strong, and I am hopeful.  Fertility problems can destroy marriages, but God has been so kind in matching us up because it hasn’t destroyed us.  We are closer than we have ever been, walking in lock step together.  Sure, we have moments, but I am amazed by my  husband’s honesty, strength and kindness.  For someone who has only 3 emotions (which is 2 more than what he had when we got married), he really works hard to try to understand and to be compassionate.

I wonder a lot how God is going to use this time.  I wonder if it is simply experiencing this season of life that is pivotal for us, or if it is an outcome yet to be determined that will be significant.  Or maybe both?  I realize that God is saying a lot to us, but He is very quiet about it.  There are subtle things He points out in what He allows and doesn’t allow us to experience.  Reading Slightly Cosmo’s blog, I realized that God says a lot when I am being quiet.  And it’s not just about silence externally, but silence internally.  When my desires and my thoughts bubble over, I am less able to hear what God is saying to me.

I realize that my prayers have not been, “God what do you want for us?” but rather, “God what do you want for us? Wait, but listen, here is what I want and I just want you to say yes to me when I am done praying about this because that is the right answer.”

Dear Mrs. W, a friend from years ago, called me back in 2007, I believe.  I haven’t talked to her since that phone call, but I think often about what she said that night.  She said, in a sweet Texan accent, “Emily, God always gives us His best.”

I think about that statement a lot.  Especially because she was speaking in context of answered and unanswered prayers.  Prayers she really, really wanted answered her way, but prayers that God answered His way instead.  Prayers that were ultimately answered better than she could ever have expected.

And I see that same pattern when I look at my life.  I see that often it was better that I didn’t get what I wanted.  I see that I grow more when faced with trials.  I see that God gently uses these times to teach me and change me.

It’s difficult to stay focused during this time.  It’s difficult to remember.  It’s a good thing it’s written down:

Romans 5: 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

God’s grace is sufficient.

another new section…

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because the K Fam just loves taking on new projects all at once, I decided to also document our adventures of developing our financial skillz!

Check out the new “money matters” tab.  I would love it if you would share any tips or ideas that you have!

smug

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So tonight I went to Costco and Dominicks to get a few items.

I was feeling pretty good about my shopping experience – trying to find a few organic items as we work on transitioning our household into the organic world.

I dropped off one of my Oberweis milk containers (organic milk in a glass bottle) for the $1.50 refund.  Then I bought some organic milk, tomatoes and spinach for a salad.  And some delicious tomato basil bisque. YUM!

By the end of my shopping trip, surveying my little basket with some of the delightful organic produce, I started to feel a little smug.  “Look at me and my organic produce!”

I saved money, bought healthy food and did it all while looking…

And that’s where I stopped short of being smug because I saw my reflection.

I was wearing long sweat pants that had gotten soaked at the bottoms (it’s raining) and they were slurping along behind me.  These sweat pants sometimes don’t stay up very well, requiring me to pull them up periodically. I was wearing my black zip-up fleece jacket, which is fine.  But I topped it all off with dangly black earings… that I didn’t realize I was wearing until I saw my reflection in the automatic glass door at the store.

Woops.

You win some, you lose some.

***

In other organic news, my dear friend Jamie pointed out to me that there are a few other lists of the “dirty dozen” that vary from the one I posted in my “organicalicious” section.  I am going to update the section with some additional notes that I found in the Environmental Working Guide website and I am going to include the “Clean 15,” too.

Sweet?

Sweet.

comfortable.

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Frank and I went out to dinner last night.  We had a gift certificate to our favorite restaurant.

I put on a skirt and nylons and boots.  You know, the stuff that makes FK happy.

We sat in a booth and Frank ate his favorite prime rib and twice baked potato.

I had lemon pepper chicken, baked potato and broccoli.

We talked about our jobs and family and news headlines that caught our attention this week.  The usual.

We laughed about some funny things.

We had grand plans of going to the mall after dinner and then going to see a movie, but at the end of dinner, with our tummies full, we decided go home and binge on Mad Men.

It was such a sweet night of being together.  ::sigh:: I love that guy.

That’s all I got.

hanging together

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There are sooo many things going great in my life right now.

My marriage.  All this fertility biz could destroy our marriage, but instead it is helping to bring us together.  I feel like our marriage is stronger and better than ever.  I love my husband and I love our time together.

My job.  I love it.  I enjoy going to work.  I learn, I grow, I get to share my favorite things with people and help them grow and make a difference.

My friends & family.  I am enjoying my time with them.  I feel surrounded by them.  I love it.  I love being around for events.  I love seeing them all more frequently.  (but of course I miss my peeps in Milwaukee!)

And in so many ways, our life is so sweet.

But often I feel like I am standing in the shadow of the fertility issues.  Is this going to be ok?  Will this aching in my heart go away if this doesn’t work out?  And sometimes I can’t even dare to dream that this might work out.

It just seems so unlikely.

Yet I still pray for it.

If I am honest, I admit that it is getting harder and harder to imagine the end result: holding a baby in our arms in a hospital room.

It is just so unpopular to say, “I can’t see this working out.”

No one wants to hear that.  Most people want to say, “Think positively.”

I’ve thought positively, though.  I’ve prayed.  I’m not sure that I’ve done the full-on begging and pleading, but I sure have gotten close to it.

The fact of the matter is that we’re doing everything we can.  There is nothing else that we can do.  I’m taking vitamins every day. I’m taking my meds every day.

If this is going to happen, it is in God’s hands.

Last weekend’s message at Willow was centered around Jesus saying, “love your enemies.”

That really struck a chord with me because over the past year I have been thinking a lot about what love truly is.  I’ve determined that it is an action, a choice, and ultimately an interest in the greater good for the person that I love.  The interest in the greater good leads to self sacrifice.

How could I love an enemy? An enemy is someone who wants to defeat me. To love them would require action, a choice and seeking to do the best thing for that person.  Who does that for an enemy?

That’s why Pastor Hybel’s was so dead on when He said that the kind of love it takes when it comes to loving an enemy comes from God.  Only God could teach us that kind of love.  I know I couldn’t have thought of that myself.  Is it anyone’s natural instinct to love their enemies?

And then Jesus said, “pray for those who persecute you.”

Again, that kind of statement is transforms how I think – it changes the conversation.  Who prays for their persecutors?  You seek to destroy me and I pray that God shows mercy on you?

I realized, by the end of the message, that I am angry about this infertility thing.  I would love to love my enemy – but who is it?  Who do I love in this situation?  The nurse that forgot me in the waiting room after IUI?  She’s not an enemy.  She just forgot.

I would love to pray for my persecutor in this situation – but there is no one persecuting me.  No one is vindictively saying, “Emily, you can’t have a baby because I want you to be miserable.”

The message on Sunday was difficult for me.  How do I resolve this situation with the basic biology of my body?  WHO can I be angry at?

And it sort of hit me, as I’ve been thinking about it: since there wasn’t someone to be angry at, I had been punishing my body throughout this experience.  I’d been eating horribly, not exercising regularly and drinking a lot of Diet Coke.  I have no one to be angry with, so I’ve been angry at myself.

If love includes making the tough decisions for the betterment of the person you love, then I hadn’t been loving myself very much.

So tomorrow I am going to keep on this path to getting healthier.  I may not be perfect at it, but I owe myself that much.

After all, how am I supposed to love my neighbor as myself when I can’t even love me the right way?

There are so many uncertainties in life – and that is cool.  But there are a few things that I am sure of.

I am sure that I will look back at my life and see how God’s hand worked through all of these difficult times and good times.

I am certain that when I see all the pieces of the tapestry of my life hanging together, I will be even more in awe of my Creator.

in case you were wondering…

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I did go for my work out this morning.

In the middle of the work out, the fire alarm went off.

Not kidding.

So in my spandexy type capris pants and sweat soaked tee, I paraded myself outside, where I found – much to my horror and amazement – that there are actually quite a few people who work here in the morning.  Nice.

Then I went in to the locker room to take a shower.  I turned the dial all the way over to hot.  After several minutes was there warm steam rising out of my shower stall?  The answer to that question is: no.

Thinking it might warm up, I wet my hair and started to shiver.  I decided that I didn’t have any option except at least washing my hair.  It was horrific. 

I went to the other shower stall to see if there was warm water there – nothing. 

After toweling off and getting dressed, I thought I would enjoy the one warm thing I could enjoy: my hair dryer.

I plugged the hairdryer into the ONE and ONLY outlet in the locker room and… nothing.  Nada. Zip.

It was a GFI outlet, so I hit the “test” and “reset” buttons multiple times.

NOTHING.

So with a wet head, I packed up my belongings and brought my hair dryer to the bathroom near my office where I was at least able to get my head mostly dry.

I am laughing about this because it’s all so ridiculous.  And really, I can’t complain too much about a free gym at work.  Sure, there are a few kinks that need to be straightened out, but if that’s the worst thing that happens today, then that’s not too bad!