hard

There are a lot of difficult things that come with struggling with fertility.  Every month is a new adventure in fertility land – new tests, new ultra sounds, new hope.  And so far, for us, every month ends on a low note.  It’s difficult and sometimes heart breaking.

Sometimes the things that I think are going to be hard… aren’t.

In the past 24 hours, I did three things: I went to a wedding, had breakfast with some friends and their baby and received an invitation to a baby shower.

The most emotionally difficult thing for me was not what you would think.  I really enjoyed having breakfast with friends.  Their son is really adorable and quite well behaved!  And the baby shower invitation I recieved was also sweet.  The shower is for a friend who I love dearly.

Interestingly, the most difficult thing for me was the wedding.  Which seems curious because I am married and I am not missing out on nuptials.  Frank and I had a beautiful wedding.  I think about that day quite frequently, actually.

The wedding was difficult because, as I watched my friend’s dad give her away, incredible sadness washed over me.  What if Frank never gets to walk a daughter down the aisle?  What if I never get to dance with my son dance at his wedding?  What if we never see children following in our footsteps, adding chapters to this story that started generations and generations ago?

And that’s what made the wedding hard.

3 thoughts on “hard

  1. I agree – it’s not the obvious things that cause me distress. It’s going to the fair and seeing people with two kids, the children having fun together on the rides, and me feeling sad that Gabe might never have that. Or being at church and watching them chase all their children around the playground. I had to get over a lot of my “obvious” stuff when I started coordinating MOPS. But the less obvious stuff can still really sting, and sometimes it surprises me. I hope the rest of your weekend has been comforting and encouragin!

  2. Em,

    I can’t even tell you how much I relate to you (in a similar way). I think of Daniel and Katie all the time! It used to bother me a lot to see babies, hear about them, etc. In fact, when we read from the book of Daniel, I often think about my baby. Or when people ask when we’re having a baby… Its the worst.

    This is what I believe:

    You WILL be a parent, somehow, someway. You guys will find a way, even if its not part of the original plan. We accept that, too. You SHOULD picture Frank walking his little girl down the aisle, and you dancing with your son at his wedding. If you want it, it WILL happen. Don’t be afraid to be optimistic. No matter what, either way you look at it, this/these child(ren) will be yours, will be LOVED and will be children of God. And that sounds A-OK to me.

    Love you a whole bunch with all my little heart!
    Rose

    • Aw Rose, I can’t even begin to tell you how sweet and encouraging of a comment that is! I love you a whole bunch with all MY little heart, too.

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