This round of IUI did not work.

Obviously we are disappointed.  We hoped that it would work, but the odds were against us.

I am sad about it, of course.

But I am not hopeless about this situation.

I know that there is tremendous hope for us.  And it’s not all about having children.  I see how Frank and I are weathering this storm together and how our marriage is staying strong, and I am hopeful.  Fertility problems can destroy marriages, but God has been so kind in matching us up because it hasn’t destroyed us.  We are closer than we have ever been, walking in lock step together.  Sure, we have moments, but I am amazed by my  husband’s honesty, strength and kindness.  For someone who has only 3 emotions (which is 2 more than what he had when we got married), he really works hard to try to understand and to be compassionate.

I wonder a lot how God is going to use this time.  I wonder if it is simply experiencing this season of life that is pivotal for us, or if it is an outcome yet to be determined that will be significant.  Or maybe both?  I realize that God is saying a lot to us, but He is very quiet about it.  There are subtle things He points out in what He allows and doesn’t allow us to experience.  Reading Slightly Cosmo’s blog, I realized that God says a lot when I am being quiet.  And it’s not just about silence externally, but silence internally.  When my desires and my thoughts bubble over, I am less able to hear what God is saying to me.

I realize that my prayers have not been, “God what do you want for us?” but rather, “God what do you want for us? Wait, but listen, here is what I want and I just want you to say yes to me when I am done praying about this because that is the right answer.”

Dear Mrs. W, a friend from years ago, called me back in 2007, I believe.  I haven’t talked to her since that phone call, but I think often about what she said that night.  She said, in a sweet Texan accent, “Emily, God always gives us His best.”

I think about that statement a lot.  Especially because she was speaking in context of answered and unanswered prayers.  Prayers she really, really wanted answered her way, but prayers that God answered His way instead.  Prayers that were ultimately answered better than she could ever have expected.

And I see that same pattern when I look at my life.  I see that often it was better that I didn’t get what I wanted.  I see that I grow more when faced with trials.  I see that God gently uses these times to teach me and change me.

It’s difficult to stay focused during this time.  It’s difficult to remember.  It’s a good thing it’s written down:

Romans 5: 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

God’s grace is sufficient.