There are sooo many things going great in my life right now.
My marriage. All this fertility biz could destroy our marriage, but instead it is helping to bring us together. I feel like our marriage is stronger and better than ever. I love my husband and I love our time together.
My job. I love it. I enjoy going to work. I learn, I grow, I get to share my favorite things with people and help them grow and make a difference.
My friends & family. I am enjoying my time with them. I feel surrounded by them. I love it. I love being around for events. I love seeing them all more frequently. (but of course I miss my peeps in Milwaukee!)
And in so many ways, our life is so sweet.
But often I feel like I am standing in the shadow of the fertility issues. Is this going to be ok? Will this aching in my heart go away if this doesn’t work out? And sometimes I can’t even dare to dream that this might work out.
It just seems so unlikely.
Yet I still pray for it.
If I am honest, I admit that it is getting harder and harder to imagine the end result: holding a baby in our arms in a hospital room.
It is just so unpopular to say, “I can’t see this working out.”
No one wants to hear that. Most people want to say, “Think positively.”
I’ve thought positively, though. I’ve prayed. I’m not sure that I’ve done the full-on begging and pleading, but I sure have gotten close to it.
The fact of the matter is that we’re doing everything we can. There is nothing else that we can do. I’m taking vitamins every day. I’m taking my meds every day.
If this is going to happen, it is in God’s hands.
Last weekend’s message at Willow was centered around Jesus saying, “love your enemies.”
That really struck a chord with me because over the past year I have been thinking a lot about what love truly is. I’ve determined that it is an action, a choice, and ultimately an interest in the greater good for the person that I love. The interest in the greater good leads to self sacrifice.
How could I love an enemy? An enemy is someone who wants to defeat me. To love them would require action, a choice and seeking to do the best thing for that person. Who does that for an enemy?
That’s why Pastor Hybel’s was so dead on when He said that the kind of love it takes when it comes to loving an enemy comes from God. Only God could teach us that kind of love. I know I couldn’t have thought of that myself. Is it anyone’s natural instinct to love their enemies?
And then Jesus said, “pray for those who persecute you.”
Again, that kind of statement is transforms how I think – it changes the conversation. Who prays for their persecutors? You seek to destroy me and I pray that God shows mercy on you?
I realized, by the end of the message, that I am angry about this infertility thing. I would love to love my enemy – but who is it? Who do I love in this situation? The nurse that forgot me in the waiting room after IUI? She’s not an enemy. She just forgot.
I would love to pray for my persecutor in this situation – but there is no one persecuting me. No one is vindictively saying, “Emily, you can’t have a baby because I want you to be miserable.”
The message on Sunday was difficult for me. How do I resolve this situation with the basic biology of my body? WHO can I be angry at?
And it sort of hit me, as I’ve been thinking about it: since there wasn’t someone to be angry at, I had been punishing my body throughout this experience. I’d been eating horribly, not exercising regularly and drinking a lot of Diet Coke. I have no one to be angry with, so I’ve been angry at myself.
If love includes making the tough decisions for the betterment of the person you love, then I hadn’t been loving myself very much.
So tomorrow I am going to keep on this path to getting healthier. I may not be perfect at it, but I owe myself that much.
After all, how am I supposed to love my neighbor as myself when I can’t even love me the right way?
There are so many uncertainties in life – and that is cool. But there are a few things that I am sure of.
I am sure that I will look back at my life and see how God’s hand worked through all of these difficult times and good times.
I am certain that when I see all the pieces of the tapestry of my life hanging together, I will be even more in awe of my Creator.
4 thoughts on “hanging together”
What very compelling thoughts! I got angry, too. My anger was directed mostly at God. It was comforting for me to read the story of Naaman and realize that even though he got very angry and indignant, God still moved in his situation.
I agree… for me it is hard to imagine the ending I’ve been wanting. But I can imagine a happy ending even if it doesn’t include a baby. We *are* going to be happy. I know that. This is a period of trial, but there is happiness on the other side. And anger to go through while we’re in the middle.
Glad to see your take on your anger and what you’re going to do about it! Good luck as you continue this path!
Heidi – you are right. At the end of this, we will be happy. And what is amazing, we are actually still mostly happy throughout this, too. And I don’t think we’d be doing this well without God. And seriously, if you hadn’t been so open about sharing your story, I don’t think that I would be in such good shape either. Your blog is a ministry to me and I really appreciate it. Thank you for sharing. I don’t think I can thank you enough!
Thanks for this post. Very thought-provoking, for sure.
I think when Jesus says “love your enemies” he is saying love everyone. Because we are all ONE. And, that which seems so horrible to us right now (like an enemy), may turn into something that was a true blessing tomorrow.
I hope someday I will be able to look back on this IF experience and actually be thankful for it.
But then again, it’s natural to be angry. By all means, let it out and don’t internalize it. It will just end up coming back to bite you in the butt in the long run.
And please, be good to yourself. God would want it that way.
WannabeMommy – thanks so much for your encouraging comment. I think you’re right – it’s natural to be angry. At the same time, I don’t want to be consumed by it. Such a fine line to walk!
Thanks again – I will keep praying for you.