God

peace

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

Peace is such a tricky topic because it can mean so many things to so many people.

Globally, most of the world is in search of peace while small groups keep us on our toes.  And it makes me wonder what peace really is, anyway.  Some of our longest periods of peace have also been times where groups of people were just quietly oppressed.  Civil rights didn’t really get going until people got vocal, disrupting the “peace and quiet” of the 1950’s.  Women’s lib didn’t make strides until women got loud about it.  Africa didn’t get the attention it needed until in the past twenty years, people made noise about the extreme poverty.  Everyone was quite “peaceful” about taking in the excess of the 1990s in the US while mass genocide was occurring in Rwanda.

What I guess I am saying is that maybe it’s not peace that’s the problem, but rather what we think peace is and  how we pursue it.

Jesus didn’t come this world to say, “Shut up and be peaceful.”  He pursued social justice and was quite disruptive to the prevailing cultural system.  He is called the Prince of Peace, yet in His wake, so many were persecuted because they follow Him.  That persecution continues, even to this day.

Jesus is a big thinker and a visionary.  He is a long-term thinker.

I, compared to Jesus, am a short term thinker.  Long term for me means 10 years.  Long term for Jesus means thousands of years.  I focus on what my next immediate step is.  Jesus focuses on the end game for the world.

So it’s no wonder that I am confused when I hear Jesus referenced both as the Prince of Peace and someone who states that families will be divided.  How can that be? – unless I don’t know what true peace is.

Is peace just shutting up while others get hurt silently?  Is peace denying my feelings so that someone else can not be bothered?  I think that I confuse the idea of peace with the idea of comfort.  If I am not comfortable, then I am not peaceful.

Maybe peace is the pursuit of justice in a manner that is, in itself, just.

I have a dear friend that I was speaking with at length this week. She expressed dissatisfaction with several areas of her life, but after talking about this dissatisfaction – we both came to the conclusion that she was bored.

Think of how many Americans, even now, have everything they should want – a home, a healthy family, a job – and yet, they are not happy.

My life has always been a continuous adventure.  Everything has been perpetually moving forward – college, marriage,  career.  I often wonder, especially in the busiest times, what it is like to have no cares in the world.

But if I were designed to be carefree – wouldn’t I just be carefree?  My friends who reach plateaus – times where they are standing still – often express dissatisfaction. They do not have peace.  So instead, they fill their time with stuff to do.

I know because I do it too.

So what is peace, then?  Boring? I think maybe peace is becoming the person who God made me to be and pursuing the world that God wanted us to have.  When I am working, I have peace.  When I am with my husband, I have peace.  When I am with family and friends, I have peace.

Sometimes, though, it’s not comfortable. Sometimes I am stretched by the conversations and situations that I am put in.

This world we live in feeds us lies about what our lives should be.  This world we live in tells us that peace comes easy.  I don’t think that’s true.

Peace takes courage and strength to do the right thing, not the easy thing.  Peace requires love.  And not hold-eachothers-hands-and-sing-love, but real, gritty love that makes tough decisions.  Self-sacrificing love. Love that wants the best, not the safest.

I know a lot of people who ARE peaceful.  They are calm and rational in the face of major problems.  They do not shut down, hoping that issues will pass.  These peaceful people face the issues and make tough decisions.

I’ve been more anxious lately.  Anxiety is often paralyzing, making it difficult to forward.  Which is why I have been thinking a lot about peace.  But not the kind of peace that causes me to knit sweaters and go to bed at 8 pm.  I’m thinking more about the kind of peace that leads to real changes in not just my life, but in the world.

What can I be pursuing that will help me become the person I am meant to be?  What can I be doing to bring real, lasting peace to the world?

My dear friend Toni asked me about Africa – “What do you think about going on a mission trip to Africa?”  An innocent, but direct, question.  The kind of question that makes me uncomfortable and itchy.  It’s the kind of idea that requires prayerful consideration because it’s the kind of idea that could bring peace.

So maybe Africa or some kind of foreign mission.  Maybe. Probably.

To be continued…

sharing!

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Borrowed from one of my favorite blogs to follow along with – Slightly Cosmo.  She’s following someone else who is following someone else!

Outside my window… it’s cold and dark.

I am thinking… about going to bed.  It’s late and it was a long and lovely day.

I am thankful for… God’s grace.  It is abundant, even in the scarcest of times.

From the kitchen…a chicken taco from Taco Bell. MmmmmMmm!

I am wearing…jeans, a teeshirt and a sweater.  And big earrings.  It makes me feel good.

I am creating… a new beginning.  More on that soon.

I am going… to sleep.  Seriously.

I am reading… a book about organics.  But I guess first I need to open it.  DIRTY!

I am hoping… that God will bless us with children.  How He does it, well, that’s the interesting part!

I am hearing…the sound of Oprah.  Help!

Around the house…is my dear friend Nicole!  She is in town from The Good Land – YAY!!

One of my favorite things… sleeping.  Why am I still online??

A few plans for the rest of the week… church, billing, driving, FRANK! FRANK!

the race

/ emmykay / 8 Comments

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” ~Hebrews 12:1

Since this weekend, I’ve really been struggling with my emotions.  Wrestling with them.

I’ve fallen into the horrible trap of wondering why, why, WHY this is the path that God is taking us down.  I’ve been angry, sad and frustrated.  I’m even guilty of comparing myself to others. And to what end?  I’m not any better for it.

This is a difficult time for both of us, but we still have hope.

My husband is probably the most wonderful man I know.  It’s not easy for him to be emotional, but he is really stretching himself emotionally and sitting with me and talking to me (and not telling me how to fix it, which is sort of a guy thing to do).  Marriages fail all the time under the weight of infertility.  But instead of Frank getting angry with me for being sad, he is learning to be very patient.  He encourages me to pray and approach God.

When I think about how difficult this is, it’s hard for me to not remember all of the huge blessings God has given us.  We both have jobs, we are both relatively healthy, we have a home that we enjoy, we have family and friends close by – we have SO much.

We have a different race to run than other couples.  Harder, easier – it doesn’t matter.  It’s our race, specifically designed for us.  I can choose to run it with happily, which only makes the race more joyful and worth watching – or I can choose to run it with great sadness, which might be easier in the short term, but is no way to go through life.

So I’m going to make the conscious decision to choose to be happy, to embrace joy and to seek God.  And sometimes I might stumble and I might fall, but I will get up and keep going.

hanging together

/ emmykay / 4 Comments

There are sooo many things going great in my life right now.

My marriage.  All this fertility biz could destroy our marriage, but instead it is helping to bring us together.  I feel like our marriage is stronger and better than ever.  I love my husband and I love our time together.

My job.  I love it.  I enjoy going to work.  I learn, I grow, I get to share my favorite things with people and help them grow and make a difference.

My friends & family.  I am enjoying my time with them.  I feel surrounded by them.  I love it.  I love being around for events.  I love seeing them all more frequently.  (but of course I miss my peeps in Milwaukee!)

And in so many ways, our life is so sweet.

But often I feel like I am standing in the shadow of the fertility issues.  Is this going to be ok?  Will this aching in my heart go away if this doesn’t work out?  And sometimes I can’t even dare to dream that this might work out.

It just seems so unlikely.

Yet I still pray for it.

If I am honest, I admit that it is getting harder and harder to imagine the end result: holding a baby in our arms in a hospital room.

It is just so unpopular to say, “I can’t see this working out.”

No one wants to hear that.  Most people want to say, “Think positively.”

I’ve thought positively, though.  I’ve prayed.  I’m not sure that I’ve done the full-on begging and pleading, but I sure have gotten close to it.

The fact of the matter is that we’re doing everything we can.  There is nothing else that we can do.  I’m taking vitamins every day. I’m taking my meds every day.

If this is going to happen, it is in God’s hands.

Last weekend’s message at Willow was centered around Jesus saying, “love your enemies.”

That really struck a chord with me because over the past year I have been thinking a lot about what love truly is.  I’ve determined that it is an action, a choice, and ultimately an interest in the greater good for the person that I love.  The interest in the greater good leads to self sacrifice.

How could I love an enemy? An enemy is someone who wants to defeat me. To love them would require action, a choice and seeking to do the best thing for that person.  Who does that for an enemy?

That’s why Pastor Hybel’s was so dead on when He said that the kind of love it takes when it comes to loving an enemy comes from God.  Only God could teach us that kind of love.  I know I couldn’t have thought of that myself.  Is it anyone’s natural instinct to love their enemies?

And then Jesus said, “pray for those who persecute you.”

Again, that kind of statement is transforms how I think – it changes the conversation.  Who prays for their persecutors?  You seek to destroy me and I pray that God shows mercy on you?

I realized, by the end of the message, that I am angry about this infertility thing.  I would love to love my enemy – but who is it?  Who do I love in this situation?  The nurse that forgot me in the waiting room after IUI?  She’s not an enemy.  She just forgot.

I would love to pray for my persecutor in this situation – but there is no one persecuting me.  No one is vindictively saying, “Emily, you can’t have a baby because I want you to be miserable.”

The message on Sunday was difficult for me.  How do I resolve this situation with the basic biology of my body?  WHO can I be angry at?

And it sort of hit me, as I’ve been thinking about it: since there wasn’t someone to be angry at, I had been punishing my body throughout this experience.  I’d been eating horribly, not exercising regularly and drinking a lot of Diet Coke.  I have no one to be angry with, so I’ve been angry at myself.

If love includes making the tough decisions for the betterment of the person you love, then I hadn’t been loving myself very much.

So tomorrow I am going to keep on this path to getting healthier.  I may not be perfect at it, but I owe myself that much.

After all, how am I supposed to love my neighbor as myself when I can’t even love me the right way?

There are so many uncertainties in life – and that is cool.  But there are a few things that I am sure of.

I am sure that I will look back at my life and see how God’s hand worked through all of these difficult times and good times.

I am certain that when I see all the pieces of the tapestry of my life hanging together, I will be even more in awe of my Creator.

i've had enough.

/ emmykay / 4 Comments

I am done.

I am tired of not being in control of my hormones and my body and my life.  And it’s not about control, either.  Control is the wrong word.
I am not disciplined.  In this whole battle, I’ve caved on discipline.

I am not in the Word as regularly as I should.

I am not watching what I eat as carefully as I need to.

I am not working out daily.

I am not prioritizing my own time and when I do, I veg.

No. More.

I can’t control pretty much anything.  But I can be more disciplined.

PS. I  start progesterone treatment tomorrow, so if you are in the area, now is a good time for vacation!

the tick tock of the clock is painful

/ emmykay / Leave a comment
all sane and logical…
I want to tear it off the wall!

This morning we went in for the IUI.  Well, Frank went in first.  Then I showed up about an hour later.

Before we began the procedure, the doctor let us know that our odds, because of some of my weird test results, are about half of what a normal couple’s odds are with IUI.  And those odds are pretty slim to begin with anyway.

Hey, it’s a lot better than what we would have had on our own.  I won’t turn my nose up at any chance.  I will embrace it and hope that I am on the good side of those odds.

The procedure was quick and pretty painless.  Just a little bit of cramping and then we sat and waited and prayed. 

And then Frank tried to take his forehead’s blood pressure and check my heart rate with the stethoscope.

The only thing that stopped him from following through was that I reminded him that the stethoscope had been in other people’s ears.

Moving on.

We won’t know for quite some time whether or not this worked.  I take great comfort in knowing a few very important things:

  1. God is sovereign over all things.  This means my life is under His authority.  He has control of this situation – all of this is in His hands.
  2. God has a plan.  It may not be my plan, but it is a plan.  And that plan is to give us hope and a future.  It may not be the way I want it, but it will be the right way.
  3. My husband is awesome.  He is a tremendous partner and friend.  But – I swear to you Frank – if you don’t put away the exam light that is attached to the exam table, I will make you sit outside in the lobby.  Ok?

So that’s it.  Praise God that we’ve made it this far!  Praise Him that we are not out of options! 

And now we wait and hope and pray.

Tick. Tock.  Tick.  Tock.

follicologilicious

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

Because invasive ultra sounds are oh-so-much-fun, I’ve decided to pop by the doctor’s office and see if they could just see how my ovaries are doing.

So, lube up the magic stick, Emmy is on her way!

Was that TMI?

My bad.  🙂

So, while I’m getting my follicology on, it would be most excellent if you could pray for us.  Please pray first, and foremost, that God’s will is done.  And second, please pray that He would bless us with children.  And third, just for fun, please pray that I have a good hair day tomorrow.

There’s nothing worse than going in to have your hoo-ha inspected and having bad hair.

Your serious prayers on the first two request is appreciated.

And if you want to toss in the freebie #3 request, that’s cool, too.

Thank you.  🙂

God is good

/ emmykay / Leave a comment

This morning, things were a bit shakey.  An armed robber was on the loose and hijacked a car a block away from my office.  Awesome.  We were on soft lockdown for most of the morning.

But in the end, the day turned out great.  My work got done.  The sun was shining.  I got into my car in time to hear the “Five O’Clock Whistle” on the radio station I listen to.

I hadn’t heard that sound in YEARS.  YEARS!

Oh, and the pesky armed robber crashed his car into a tree this afternoon and is going back to jail.

Today, the fields in the forest preserve are turning a lovely warm shade of gold.  There was not a single cloud in the sky as I drove home from work.

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work to pick up some delicious produce for a salad.  I drove back to our cozy home, where the sun was streaming through the leaves on the trees in the park behind our house and kids were playing soccer and all the world was as it should be.

And tomorrow is my 6 year wedding anniversary to an amazing man.  Does it get any better?  I think not.

Even though we’re going through a lot with the fertility biz, our cups run over with all of the blessings God has given us.

So hey, it’s a Chicago September Friday.  It’s beautiful and delicious and vibrant all at the same time.

God is good.

addendum

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

I was a little dramatic with my post last night, so I feel that I should add an addendum explaining the situation a little bit better.

My follicles (developing eggs) are at 9 mm.  Over 5 days, my follicles only grew 1 mm (normal growth rates are 2mm per day).  In order for them to be ruptured, they need to be at 18 mm.  Hopefully, my body will kick into gear and remember how to grow a follicle (we were doing so well with that, little ovaries!).  I have a third follicology on Thursday to see if my ovaries do anything.  It’s looking like, if these follicles grow at a faster pace, we will do the IUI next week – possibly. 

It’s hard to tell with my doctor whether or not she’s optimistic because she’s an optimistic person – or if she’s optimistic because it’s an optimistic situation.  FK feels the same way – it’s hard to tell if she’s just trying to keep our spirits up or if she genuinely means it.  I guess, from her perspective, fertility has so many variables and a woman’s cycle can vary greatly from month to month, she probably expects the unexpected to some degree.

It’s not that I’ve lost hope entirely.  I just think that the month after month of weird test results and the bad-news-good-news ride, I am having a hard time seeing a positive outcome on this. 

I know that God hears my prayers.  I know that it is entirely within the realm of His capabilities to bless us with a child.

Will He?  I hope so. 

My emotions have been all over the place with this cycle.  I don’t know how much of this is from the medication (probably 75%?) and how much is from weariness (25%).  It’s hard when your emotions and your body do not feel like your own.

That being said, we’re going to give this a few more cycles.  My doctor said that the second and third cycles of IUI are usually the best chances.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.  We both really, really appreciate it.  Please keep praying!!

what's the plan?

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

ok, before I get into the plan with our fertility, I would just like to interrupt letting you all know how much I love our DVR.

I. Love. It.

I paused the TV to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I didn’t have to wait for a commercial!

***

Moving on.

So we are back in the fertility loop, yet again.  I started clomid again yesterday.  Thursday we have a follicle study and we’ll get a better idea of how the follicles are developing.  Once we know how they look, we’ll set up what the exact next steps are for the IUI.

We are really praying that the IUI (basically insemination) works.  Our fertility program is recommending 3 cycles of IUI.  After that, we’re just going to have to see what our options are for addressing our fertility and expanding our family.

As always, we would love your prayers.  Here are a few things that we could use specific prayer for:

1. That we would seek to glorify God first in all of this.  No matter the result, our focus needs to be on Him.  This is difficult to remember.

2. That we would have peace, no matter the result.

3. That God would bless us with children.

That’s about it.  Now back to the TV show I’ve had on “pause” for the past 30 minutes.  I LOVE this DVR biz!