Frank

2009 review

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

This year was dominated by a few themes:

Old Made New Again

This theme happened in several ways.  We moved back to Illinois in 2008, not sure what it would really be like.  What has happened is that many of our friendships that were old have become new again.  There are so many examples of this regeneration, but specifically I think of one of my longest friendships with Miss Allison Claire.  When we were little, we played together nearly every day.  There was a rule established that we couldn’t call or go over to each other’s homes before 9 a.m. – and this was established to save our mothers from losing their minds!  As we got older, we went separate ways and our friendship was basically on life support because we rarely saw each other.  Since we’ve moved back, Allison and I see each other nearly every week!  She is truly a joy to spend time with and one of the most positive people I know.  I experienced similar rebirths with other friends – and it is awesome!  I feel surrounded by wonderful women that I love.  It is awesome!

But this theme didn’t just end with friendships, it also carried on to one of the most important relationships in my life – my marriage.  Frank and I celebrated our 6th year of marriage.  At a time when many marriages start feeling stale, our marriage is still fresh and interesting.  One of the pastors at church said the other week, “Presumed familiarity breeds unfamiliarity” – so true!  Even though Frank and I know each other so well, we keep learning new things about each other – and with each other.  Sure, it hasn’t all been rosy this year, but that’s ok.

Being Humbled

This year has also been the year of being humbled.  Yeah, I’ve had to swallow my pride on a few fronts.  Medically speaking, I’ve been exposed in just about every way possible.  Blood draws, invasive ultra-sounds and interesting procedures involving catheters.  That’s pretty humbling.

It’s also been humbling because we’ve come face to face with some of our biggest fears and had to ask for help along the way.  We’ve had to acknowledge that many of the things we experienced were outside of our control – like Frank’s work schedule and our infertility issues.  While we’ve known logically for quite some time that God is bigger than us, these situations have caused us to come face-to-face with our own limitations and humanity.  Or something like that.  The point is, we continue to be reminded that while there are a great many things we can do, we are ultimately not the ones in control.  We are small while God is great.

Ha ha ha

We’ve also been blessed with lots of joy in the midst of crazy times.  Tonight as I finished writing this, Frank was sitting next to me and every time I took a sip of the Diet Pomegranate 7-Up, Frank made slurping sounds trying to get me to spit out my drink.  The result was that he made himself laugh so much he couldn’t even drink.  Special times, for sure.  And if we can laugh in the midst of all the stuff we’re going through, that is truly a blessing.

With almost 24 hours left in 2009, it is impossible not to recognize the amazing blessings we’ve had this year: jobs, shelter, family, and friends.  I’m excited to move forward into 2010 and to see all of the new things God has in store for us.  I wish you all a very safe and happy new year!

See you on the flip side…

side note…

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So I checked to see what I was blogging about last year in December.  I only wrote one blog: Snow.  In that blog I said something like, “Well, once we get our stuff put away and a light fixture hung in the dining area, it will feel like home.”

Thanks to Frank, we finally got the light fixture hung this week.

Welcome home, K fam, welcome home.

when to say when

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

Knowing when to say “when” is not my strong suit.  Ask my husband.

I am the queen of bad timing and timing misjudgments.

My timing issues tend to center around my inability to leave the office, but have also seeped into other areas, including when to leave a party, when to leave church, when to leave dinner, when to go to bed… etc, etc.

And when to let go in an argument.

I have to say I’m getting better at the last one.

Ask my younger sister Cait, she’ll tell you that I used to always try to get the last word in ALWAYS.  I’ve been like that since she’s known me.  Her first day home from the hospital as an infant and she was like, “darn, girlfriend, have a bottle and CHILL!”

When should I let go of the fertility biz?  When is enough truly enough?  How many shots, scans, opinions, tests and screenings can I handle?

This isn’t to say that I think we are at the end of our time in fertility treatment world.  I’m not ready to give up yet.  I know Frank isn’t ready to give up either.

But I know there is  a chance that a time might come where I might have to recognize that we fought the good fight and there is no more we can do or pray for, at least regarding having a biological child.

At the end of the day when I am beyond tired, that is usually when I decide to bake cookies, wrap Christmas gifts and wash the floor.  When I should rest, I find that I am too tired to sit still.

That is why I worry that God will give me all the cues that we cannot go any farther, and I will miss the cues because I am too tired to see them – too focused on searching for the solution, the next option and the next treatment to realize that the game is over and the crowd went home.

After reading a few blogs about women at varying stages of this process, with several of them undergoing treatment for three to five years, I just can’t even fathom what that is like to go through that emotional and physical marathon.

I am amazed by God’s tremendous grace and blessing.  God gave me a husband who is an expert at knowing when to say “when.”  Frank puts 100% into everything he does, but he knows when a situation is done.  He knows when the party is winding down, when the game is over and when it’s time to turn the lights out and go to bed.

So we’ll keep chugging along and I’m hopeful that if I miss God’s cues, Frank will see them.

infertility jokes are just not funny

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

So obviously I’ve been pretty sad lately (as in over the past few days).

But the Irish girl in me (about 1/4 to 1/8 of me… I’m a bit diluted) is fighting hard to find a joke in here.

I think about different conversations I have had or might have, and I try to work in a infertility  joke.

It’s not possible.

Infertility is the most unfunny topic ever.

And even when I think of something that sounds funny to me, I realize that if I say it out loud, I will put everyone else in a bad spot.  You can almost see the panic on peoples’ faces as they think: Laugh? Don’t laugh?  Is it funny?  I don’t know! I don’t know! HELP!

That’s not really fun for anyone.

I guess I’ll just have to honor the Belgian in me: chocolate and beer, please!

bah.

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I don’t know what else there is to say about the BFN today.  I was hoping that some elegant words would come to mind, but most of the words that have come to mind have been less than elegant.

Mostly the words are born out of frustration and anger.  Oh, and a ton of sadness.

This month was more difficult than most.  It marked a full year of trying.  Yes, I totally understand that most people try for a year before they think something is wrong and get checked out.  We were just fortunate (or unfortunate?) enough that it was evident that we had a problem on our hands four months in to trying.

For the past eight months I have been on and off of Clomid.  I have been stuck and poked and prodded countless numbers of times.  I am pretty sure I could give myself an ultrasound if the technician were to accidentally pass out.

This is not how I imagined how this process would go.

I know that I am blessed beyond comprehension in so many ways.  I remind myself of that daily when I get sad or upset about this situation.

But this situation just sucks.

BFN

/ emmykay / 4 Comments

I’ve learned a lot of fertility lingo in the past year.

TTC = trying to conceive

Luteal Phase = time between ovulation and the next menstrual cycle

Trigger Shot = an injection of hormones to trigger ovulation

BFN = Big Freaking Negative pregnancy test

Today was another BFN.

I don’t even know how many BFNs we’ve had in 2009 because I had some weird cycles – 12? 13?

It’s getting old.

meet sally.

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Sally is our new snow blower.

After a somewhat rocky start (how do I put this thing together? where is the gas?  what is a choke?  how much oil goes in there?? wait, where is the oil thingie??) and a 30 minute break to let the engine dry out (woops), Sally and I conquered the driveway.

What a thrill!

After just 30 minutes (several minutes were spent banging snow off of our pine tree so that the branches weren’t hanging too low and hitting me in the face) I was back in side, in my comfies and watching TV.

But I didn’t come in until I wiped down the snowblower and made sure she was safe in the garage.  I thought about bringing her into the house for the night, but I thought it might be too much.

Ah, sweet Sally.  Welcome to the K Fam.

And lots of thanks to Frank for getting her!

before october is too distant of a memory…

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Frank and I went downtown and took a self-guided Devil in the White City Tour.  The statue below is 1/3 the size of the original statue that greeted guests at the 1893 World’s Fair.  Interesting facts: The Museum of Science and Industry building is an exact replica of one of the many World’s Fair buildings (if you’ve been there, you know how huge it is), and the Ferris Wheel debuted at the World’s Fair in direct competition with the Eiffel Tower which had been unveiled at a previous World’s Fair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We drove around a little bit, too…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Frank looking for the next stop on our historic journey.  Or our journey of historic proportions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We actually drove by President Obama’s house, but this is all you can see…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What a lovely city we live in:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is all. For now. 🙂

running & frank is home

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Ok, so I did NOT get my 2 mile run in this morning.  I opted, instead, to sleep in.  I feel that it was a wise decision.

And I am psyched for my 2 mile run this evening, with FK.  I am really going to push myself to run faster than I have, since this is now becoming a “short” distance for me.

Did I mention that FK is home?  Only for 24 hours, but hey, I’ll take what I can get!

And next week, Vegas!  YES!

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