Life

Whoa.

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So it has been over a month since my last post – bad Emily!!

First things first – I hope that everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving. Despite not having an oven, my mother (aka the Miracle Worker) managed to pull off a fantastic feast of traditional Thanksgiving Fare.

My delightful cousin Dave turned 21 with the traditional Martini Party. Good thing that everyone has a few months to let their livers recover before Adam turns 21 in April. As the designated driver, I am responsible not only for getting my parents home, but also helping them remember what they did the night before. And yes, this part was well documented on my cell phone and on Meghan’s camcorder. Hopefully the tape will not be “lost” as it was last time. Uncle Steve cannot seem to locate the tape from Meghan’s 21st. I think that’s awfully convenient since he inadvertantly videotaped an hour of his lap.

Enough of that. Since it is clear that the Christmas season is upon us now (well, since October), Frank and I set up our Christmas tree. We like it – it’s our first Christmas tree and we’ve been married for 3 years now. It’s purty. The month of December is going to be OUT OF CONTROL busy. We have a Christmas party next Friday for work, the Women’s Holiday Brunch at church on Saturday and then visitors on Saturday night. The next weekends after that include a cookie-making party with the H.S. girls, a “Welcome to the World” Celebration for Kristin’s baby boy, Matthew – and – oh yeah – Christmas Eve at our house. YAY!!!

Shout Outs: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Kate (the 27th), Meghan (22nd), Kelly H-B (11th), and Stacie D (18th). And those were in no particular order.

mellan collie and unending sadness. infinite. whatever.

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Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different tonight
Tonight, so brightTonight
And you know you’re never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight
(The Smashing Pumpkins)

That song reminds me of so many things – I first heard it when I was in junior high school. I wasn’t sure what Billy was singing and I didn’t like the name of the band. When I was little, some fools smashed our pumpkins on Halloween while we were trick or treating at my grandparents’ neighborhood. They smashed our pumpkins’ faces in, except for the littlest pumpkin. Mom scooped up the remains of the pumpkins and built a pumpkin snowman by our front door. Trick-or-treators commented on our interesting snowman pumpkin creation. Their tones were slightly smug – they had put the proverbial blood over the doorpost and the spirit of Halloween Ugliness spared their pumpkins.

I remember a kid in my 8th grade English class wearing a Smashing Pumpkins tee-shirt and I thought, “Does he not know that smashing pumpkins is the cruelest thing you can do to a child?” I think the guy’s name was Jason, but we never spoke. It’s unfortunate that the Smashing Pumpkins came between us.

So all that said, it’s ironic that Frank would be the biggest Smashing Pumpkins fan I know. Fortunately for Frank, I healed from my Halloween wounds of 1992 (though I will always carry with me the saddest image ever of three lopsided pumpkins stacked in front of our door, with one small, grinning gord on top – grinning like it was all he had… and because he saw what happened to his friends). I remember when Frank confessed his adoration for the quirky group – that he was collecting as many bootlegged live songs as he could get his hands on. And then when we started dating, the Smashing Pumpkins resurfaced as a happy band – Zwan. Happiness is not something that Billy Corrigan does well, though we will always have “Honestly” from the days of Zwan. If there is one thing I learned – Smashing Pumpkins best music was born from the first horrifyingly melancholy moment where you realize that the bright orange smeared on the black pavement is, in fact, YOUR PUMPKIN, laid out for all the world to see. And even if your mom scoops the pumpkin up from the pavement, you will always feel violated that someone would think to take your finest moment and hurtle it into the street with a glib, smirking face.

So I guess what I’m saying is that Zwan didn’t have a chance because what can you sing about after you kill children’s dreams? And I guess I am also saying that the least that Billy Corrigan could do is give Frank and I one decent, relatively chipper song to hang onto as “our song.”

But it won’t bring back the pumpkins of 1992.

And that, Mr. Corrigan, is the infinite sadness of which you speak.

since we’re going to blog about it…

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This is in response to my roommate’s blog on 6/12.

I agree with my roommate that there is pressure for objective individuals to be more in touch with their emotions. But there is also understood pressure for sensitive people to put their emotions aside on a regular basis.

Tests in school aren’t based on emotional intelligence. The reason our check book doesn’t balance isn’t because I am in touch with my sacred inner self (it doesn’t balance because sometimes I forget to include all expenditures – not good). Cleaning the toilets a nd taking out the garbage can be satisfying when they are checked off the list, but do not necessarily lead to spiritual enlightment. Processing billing, negotiating a rate, and using statistical software at work do not require emotional sensitivity. No one has to say, “be more objective and less emotional.” That part is understood.

Not too many people I’ve ever met have been 100% objective – except for this young republican chick I met in college. If you were 100% objective, you would have little concern for other people, unless they could somehow better your cause. If that’s how life was, it would be nice and clean. But life is messy and so are relationships.

But outside of work skills, school skills and basic life survival skills, is the realm of interpersonal relationship skills. Objective people are not usually asked to be more emotionally sensitive when flying a plane. But they are asked to consider compassion, understanding and sensitivity when working with others. Emotional intelligence should be a course in school, right next to algebra and physics.

Maybe the reason that objective people are asked to be more sensitive is because hinting doesn’t work. 🙂

Anyway, what I think I have learned is that good marriages and friendships are messy. And by messy, I mean emotional, raw and, on many levels, somewhat irrational. I agree with Frank that we are each created with special traits (as diametrically opposed as they sometimes are) and that their intermingling can be a bit dirty, but that’s ok. It’s good that I get more accustomed to Frank’s rational view of the universe, and it’s good that he gets acquainted with compassion. Sometimes we need to realize that wild and crazy is ok.

And sometimes we (I) need to remember that there is a time and a place for wild and crazy. Ahem.

Also, I would like to say that I love Frank, even when he doesn’t think I will catch him pouring Hershey’s syrup into his mouth. (Always sanitary, his mouth never touched the bottle.)

Oh the list of things they didn’t cover in premarital counseling is endless.

stillness

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Folded over a rosary, the hands that were busy for 77 years, were quiet and still.

They didn’t really even look like her hands. I am used to seeing them lively – molding fabric into a dress, laying oils onto a canvas, and stirring ingredients into a meal for over 20 family members. Later in her life, her hands trembled and shook with Parkinsons. They became difficult to control. But the heart and mind won out over the hands and commanded them to continue making art… making dinner… holding a hand full of playing cards…

Fifteen years ago – maybe not even that long – we were gathered around the kitchen table pealing potatoes. She was cooking a batch of frites (fries) in the oven. She pulled them out. We laughed, smiled and breathed in the aroma of a delicious meal. She walked toward us, still smiling. But then, a great hiccup of life and the first symptoms of disease, pulled the pan out of her hands. All the air in the room was still. The pan clattered to the floor – her hands frozen in position.

At first it was shaking and then it was full on tremors. She made my sister a coat, me a dress, and drapes for her room. She broke her hip. She cooked countless more dinners. She lost her husband. She painted. She bought a motorized chair to cruise through the house. She sketched and drew.

But after 77 years of creating, today her hands were still.

Good bye, Nani, and good night. God bless you.

Congratulations Time!

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I realized today how many people have accomplished great things recently–things that were a long time in coming–and I wanted to put out a word of congratulations. So, in no particular order:

*Dorothy got a job as a kindergarten teacher at a Catholic school. Congratulations!!

*Dave got a raise at his current job and says, “It seems that the more belligerent i get as an employee, the more i get paid.” Too bad that’s not the case for everyone… Congratulations, Dave!

*Andrea also got a raise–Andrea and Dave are really bringing it home. We’re going for drinks and they’re buyin’! Congratulations!

*Kate got an apartment in California (this may have been mentioned before) and she is living with my dear friend Sean and his friend Ryan. It’s sort of like a backwards “Threes Company.” Good job, Kater!!! But even more importantly than that, she has accomplished her life long dream of living out in Cali–even better!!

*My parents turned 50 together. Good for them! Way to be old farts… (teehee)

*Frank started his new job and is almost done with week 3 of training. GOOD JOB FRANK! I know you can do it!

What’s on tap…

Tonight I am going up to Frank’s parents and printing out my resume. Then Friday, Sandy (Frank’s mom) and I are going to drop off resumes, look at apartments and have lunch with Frank. Saturday, I am trying on my bridesmaid dress for Dor’s wedding. Later that afternoon, Frank, Meghan, Anthony, Leah and I are going to a wine tasting and then to dinner. Yum! Sunday will hopefully be a lazy day… Let’s keep our fingers crossed! Frank will leave Sunday night for his parents’ house for his last week of training in Milwaukee.

How We Say, “I Love You.”

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This week has been VERY busy. I have worked past 8 or 9 every night and Frank has come down just about every night to pick me up at work and drive me home. What’s amazing is that he offers to do this and is cheerful (for the most part–his back is hurting–another story for another time) when he gets me.

Well, today, he met me at the station at home and told me that he saw that I took out the garbage and folded the laundry. It was really sweet that he noticed that I did that. Anyway, tonight he was going out with the guys for a couple beers, cigars, etc. I came home and turned on the light–the apartment looked amazing!!

Frank put away laundry, started a new load, did the dishes, cleaned the bathtub, scrubbed the toilet, vacuumed hte house, made the bed, straightened up the family room, WENT GROCERY SHOPPING and there were a dozen red roses on the kitchen table, freshly cut and put in a vase.

On the way home from the train, I was thinking aboutall the things I needed to do at home, in addition to some work I brought home. Seeing everything so clean and perfect–he thought of everything–was phenomenal. Taking care of everything at home was the answer to a prayer!

It was the most extravagent, beautiful, meaningful way he could have possibly said he loved me. So, Frank, I LOVE YOU, TOO! 🙂

I have not forgotten…

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I could start out this blog saying, “Oh, I’m such a bad, bad, terrible human being for not updating my blog–oh, my poor fans that read this blog loyally, I have disappointed you. I am not worthy, I am NOT worthy!”

But, eh, I’ve been busy. It’s a wonder that I have managed to change my clothes. 🙂

Well, as I have mentioned before, I was rotated to a new client, which has its ups and downs. I am not sure that I am too enamored with my new boss, but I think I can work past it.

I was struggling (and still am, a little bit) with God’s design for my life. I think that right now, this is what God has given me and I should do it with “gusto” as a friend put it, and use this time to figure out what I am good at and what I am not good at. It’s not exactly morale building to work so hard for so little monetary reward, but with any luck, a promotion is in my not-so-distant future. Hopefully I’ll be ready for one in less than a year, but I’m not holding my breath. My employer has been taking longer and longer to put through promotions 😦

Frank and I are doing exceptionally well. We laugh a lot, every day, in spite of our sometimes overwhelming schedules and stressful jobs. Frank inspires me to work hard and keep going… and I inspire Frank to clean. It’s a beautiful relationship. Actually, I was telling Jamie the other night that I am fairly impressed with Frank’s cleanliness. (although, if you saw the state of our apartment right now, you would NOT be impressed… oy)

I think that we have decided to renew our lease at our current apartment. The deal on the renewal is far better than what we could get anywhere else, so it makes sense to stick it out and avoid moving costs, etc. Plus, who has time to go apartment hunting right now??? We’ve got bigger fish to fry, I tell you.

What’s coming up…

Frank’s birthday is this weekend and we are going to see his all-time favorite cover band, Mike & Joe. Frank Fest 2004 should be lots of fun 🙂

Friday night is Erik P’s birthday, so we are swinging up to their new home to celebrate and part-ay–yay! Can’t wait!

OUtside of that, I plan on sleeping in on Sunday, taking a leisurely stroll to Starbucks and possibly making Frank some of my famous pancakes (hee hee–I just buy a bag of the pancake mix from Cracker Barrel–they’re yum, so who cares that they’re not from scratch? I make sure to include a slice of love in every batch… 😉 )

What's goin' on this weekend

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This weekend shouldn’t be as action-packed as previous weekends. We’re going to a movie night at Dave & Andrea G’s house on Friday. I’m making my famous (infamous??) baked brie. Frank should be very happy–both of us could eat half a brie wheel each. Ugh. Bad for the waistline.

Saturday I have ground school. I am a terrible future pilot, I have to admit–I hope I pass!!! After that, we are driving to lovely Champaign-Urbana to see Entertainment Night at Frank’s old college church. This year I don’t think Frank has plans to perform (thank goodness), so it should be a laid-back night full of laughs. 🙂

I’m not sure what we’re doing Sunday, but church is definitely included.

Mmmm…

That’s it, I think.

Things at work are better, I’ve calmed down a lot, which is good. I wouldn’t have made it through that time without God and Frank (I know some of you get confused–they are not one in the same 😉 ) and my family and friends. So yeah. As I find more quotes that I want to post, I’ll throw them up on this board.

~Em

God and stuff.

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So, as I have mentioned, God is playing a tremendous role in me getting through this rough spot. Here is another passage that I read that I really feel helps me understand how to navigate these difficult waters.

Romans 5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.