Frank

[not] doing great

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I have had a rough week. I think I am hanging on to too much and have been on the verge of tears every day. I have so over-loaded myself that I haven’t been very positive. And now along with being sad, I am also angry.

FK talked to me a lot about being more positive. Starting with small, good things that are going on. But I feel so hopeless that I am having a hard time pulling myself out of it. And I feel like a failure that I am not more positive. I feel the weight of Frank’s disappointment in me for not being more positive. And my family’s disappointment. And then I spiral. I lump all of this disappointment in me for my lack of positivity in the face of a lot of crap, right on top of all of my other failures (too emotional, too insensitive, not available, not nice, too nice, too serious, not an attentive wife/friend/sister).

I want to go to God with this – all of the things on my heart and mind, but as I told my dear friend Dorothy, I am scared that God’s response is “You need to do this, too.” I don’t want to DO anything else. I don’t want another thing about myself to fix. I am so tired! And I have a horrible feeling that I will look back on this time of my life and think, “Well, that was nothing! That was easy!”

And I guess the other part of it is that I have recently been challenged in how I think of God. I don’t think I ever really thought of God being a benevolent father-type who set up a trust fund and doesn’t want me to ever have to lift a finger. I have had to re-examine what it means to believe that God is sovereign and Lord of my life. I have had to re-examine what it means to fear the Lord. To respectfully fear the Lord – not to be afraid. So I don’t even know how to take this to Him. Before, I had a kinder (easier) -incorrect – vision of God. Maybe it was wrong – I’m not sure yet. But Frank was telling me on the phone that I needed to discipline myself and work on changing my attitude. He is right. He is totally right. But it just felt like another thing to put on my to-do list. The list that never seems to end.

Regardless of how I think about God, I know that I have to lay all of these concerns down at His feet.

I can’t change a lot of things right now without losing things that are important. I can’t distance myself from my family because I know that there is work to be done there – that my family is a mission field in a lot of ways still. I have to fight the good fight and have the difficult conversations – this is part of discipline. If I walk away, I will be giving up ground. Important ground.

My job is my mission field right now, too. Even though it is difficult, what needs to change is not my job at the moment, but my attitude about it. And my approach to it.

This fertility issue. I need to change my perspective about it. I need to find peace in this waiting time. I need to enjoy my husband when he is around and enjoy my time alone when he is gone.

I need to address that I am angry on the inside. Angry can sometimes be good when it motivates people to do the right thing. And angry can sometimes be bad when it bends and breaks you. This time, I think it is bad. I think that this is because my soul is mis-aligned. Normal, Christian souls are probably supposed to walk vertical and upright ::pointing to fake x-ray of a soul’s spine::, so all souls point to the glory of God. But because I’ve been carrying around the weight of all of these other things – my soul is bent, sort of like an “S” and is pointing in all sorts of directions.

I am sure that this re-alignment can be accomplished by spending more time reading the Bible and being with God. It’s so simple, but it is so difficult! And it requires discipline. It is my only option.

Thank you, God, for being so gracious and kind as to see me through these times. Thank you, Father, for my husband, my family and my friends – all of whome are so precious to me. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me before I even know what I need. Thank you, dear Friend, for holding me even when I am throwing a temper tantrum.

1Peter: 3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.6In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

Q1 Review + April

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We are now in the fifth month of the year and I thought that there was appropriate distance between us and the first three months of the year.

So what happened in January, February and March?

Snow. That was pretty annoying. I did not enjoy shoveling, and fortunately Frank was so kind as to shovel most of the time.

We also received confirmation that Frank was invited to go back to AirTran with the rest of the 200 pilots who had a long, unpaid vacation starting in September of last year. To say that Frank was giddy about going back would be an understatement! He couldn’t get started studying and retraining fast enough.

We had just started trying to get pregnant and I was noticing some significant physiological changes, but not sure what to do about them.

My company laid off four of the thirteen people working at our office. That was a sad day at work – and not just for the people leaving. We were said to see our coworkers go, and then overwhelmed at the thought of what we were going to have to accomplish without them. It hasn’t necessarily gotten better, either.

Frank’s mom and Julia had their birthdays in January. Frank and I both got wicked colds right after that, but I had to work through it because we were in the midst of major budget revisions at work. Mr. Obama was sworn into office and has been trying desperately to change things in the country – but I am realizing that I don’t think that what he’s doing is going to work and the long-term implications might be scarier than our short term cash issues as a country. How much more money can we possibly owe to China??

In April we drove Frank down to Atlanta. I was stranded down there as a result of some flight cancellations. Frank passed all of his tests and was home more in April than I expected, which was wonderful.

So here we are in May. I think things are improving for the K’s. Yes, we have this fertility thing to take care of, but at least we have a plan. If only my body would cooperate 🙂

Q1 Grade: B+ (yes, held on to our jobs and are employed, but health needs improvement)
April Grade: A- (FK’s job rocks and we are working on our health)

Missin' FK.

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So, the planner/doer in me is kind of happy that Frank is back to flying. I get a lot more done when he isn’t home. I multi-task (ie. sobbing while folding laundry) and I go out with girlfriends. I talk on the phone for a remarkable amount of time (yesterday: about 1 hour with my mentor LH and about 1 hour with my sisterinlaw KK). I can fill my time and my life with lots more stuff and I stretch myself to the max. I plan to do five or six things in one day – something that FK would wisely stop me from doing! – and then I race around town.

But all the “stuff” that I think I need to do, doesn’t replace hanging with FK. When he is home, he graciously does a lot (makes dinner, does laundry, cleans the house…) for me. So I squeeze in phone calls on my way home from work, I email during lunch, I shop online. And what do we do when he is home? Sure, we still hang out with friends and we watch movies and we do all kinds of things together, but we do a more reasonable amount of things. We pick one or two things instead of ten. We take snuggle breaks. We watch TV on the Internet. And my soul is happy.

So I don’t think that I am bored when he is gone, because I have many wonderful friends who keep me occupied. It’s just that I would gladly trade in some of the fluff (do I realllly need to make a salsa garden? really??) to take a snuggle break with FK.

Hurry home, FK! We’ve got lots of snuggling to do!

ATL

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Well, here I am in sunny ATL. It’s not really sunny-it is grey and overcast, but that’s ok. My flight yesterday was oversold and since I fly luxurious standby, I did not make my flight (but my bag did…).

This weekend we drove down to ATL from CHI. We started out in a very cold chicago and ended in a greener and warmer atlanta.

It is hard to leave frank in atl, but I feel so blessed that we were able to get such a long piece of time together, especially over the holiday. The holidays are always hard for me if I have to go alone.

We talked a little about the current instability of the airline biz and how much better it would have been 20 yrs ago. But we determined that there were really only a few pilots who had entire stable careers and solid retirements. The kind of stability that is often talked about from the 1950s seems to me to be no more than a myth. Many pilots who got into the biz 20 yrs ago in the hay-day, slowly watched their pensions and respect and salaries slowly melt away. And yet instead of working to repair the public and corporate image of pilots, some of these unions argue about silly, inconsequential things. The public airing of dirty laundry hasn’t done much for the airlines and managements images, either. Large management bonuses and the continuous focus on airfare wars has helped create a de-humanizing or commoditizing (new word?) of an entire industry. By allowing the conversation to become about dollars and not total consumer experience, the airlines lost significant ground. And the public became privvy to awkard marital spats btwn the pilots and the management, both groups responsible for overspending the house budget on purses and beer. So, to make a long story longer, the the illusion of a better time is a lie. Much of what we are dealing with has been perpetually unraveling and the conversation must be about moving forward and not about restitution. Going back is not an option, but learning from our past is imperative.

Which, I suppose, is true of all situations.

I also have been thinking a lot about the word happy. The pursuit of mere happiness seems to be trivial and empty and temporary. The idea of pursuing happiness is, to me, one of the greatest lies told to this generation: if you pursue what you believe will make you happy, then you will be. I think that if you pursue short term happiness, the result is disappointment in the long run. I have found routinely that when I don’t get what I think I want when I want it, I am often more pleased in the long run. I think this is because I often believe that how things are right now will continue forever, unchanged. When I notice that I am thinking of life that way, I am full of anxiety and disappointment. True happiness, as frank always reminds me, is finding joy right now.

So that is what I am working on: finding the joy in the right now through God and remembering that we are not promised tommorrow. Not a solution for the pilot grp, but at least something that helps me get through today 🙂

The Adventures of Ed* and Sally* – Part 2

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… and so we continue.

Now, when Ed and Sally were first married, just as The Badness was beginning (but before anyone realized The Badness had started), the lived in bliss in a cute apartment in Nutsville, IL. Now like all times of bliss, it was peppered with the occasional massive earwig infestation (also called The Great Earwig Infestation of 2003). During these tribulations, Ed was a dedicated and brave husband. In one night he destroyed 19 of these nasty nasties in their master bedroom. Awww – isn’t he dreamy? So close to Sir Lancelot, yet, Sir Lancelot probably never had to deal with Earwigs.

The Bliss was not meant to last, though – as many eras of The Bliss do not last. Ed, who had been teaching people to fly, was finally offered a “real” flying gig at Dairy Air in The Good Landville, WI. Packing up their toothbrushes and deoderant, and a few other small items, Ed and Sally roared off into the great North Woods of Wisconsin.

Sally started a new job in The Good Landville selling pills that were not regulated by the FDA, but that promised significant health benefits. Call it shady, call it voo-doo, but it paid the bills. And Ed never questioned that all of her paychecks were delivered directly to her dresser in the morning. Maybe he didn’t question it because love is blind and herpes is often dormant for long periods of time?

While Sally was mastering her craft, Ed was learning how to land airplanes at exotic destinations, like Escanaba and Iron Mountain. Dairy Air serviced only the hottest destinations in the North Woods. And with the demanding schedule of a “real” airline pilot, Ed sometimes worked as much as 1 1/2 hours that first few months of aviating.

So what did Ed do with all of that free time?

More on that later.

~to be continued…

The Adventures of Ed* and Sally* – Part 1

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*The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This is my story of Ed and Sally. It’s a simple story of love during the time of the economic melt down, which will hereto refer to as The Badness.

During the time of The Badness, Ed met Sally. Ed was a really swell guy. He was very tall and handsome with a stern brow and easy smile. Sally was also swell, but with less of a stern brow as she consorted with beauticians to “take care of that sort of thing.”

It was love at first sight. Well, mostly at first sight. They played hard to get with one another for a long time before they realized they were getting no where. Once they realized that they were getting no where with the hard-to-get biz, they decided to get married.

Ed is a pilot and he likes to fish. Sometimes he takes his 717 low over small lakes and rivers to see where the fish are hanging out. Some call it cheating, but the FAA calls it dangerous. It doesn’t matter though; with his keen sense of vision and amazing olfactory abilities, he is a fishing force even when he isn’t bringing old Betsy (his 717) low over the trees in the great wooded north of Illinois.

Sally is in business (and no, this is not shorthand for prostitute – she really works in the corporate world) and she likes to dance. She has taken the statement “Dance like no one is watching” to unfortunate new levels and has been restricted to dancing at home, in the dark, with the drapes closed. But she does dance and that is important.

Our adventures really begin when Ed and Sally got married and moved to the great state of Wisconsin. More on that later.

~to be continued….

Snow.

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Well, it has (as per usual), been a long time since my last update. And really, I am probably the only person who reads my own blog (and really, I only check it to get to the links to other blogs).

So here we are, all settled in our new home in Schaumburg. It’s a bit smaller than what we had before in terms of storage, so all of the stuff we had tucked away in the basement needs to find a home. I think once we get a light in the dining area and put away all of our stuff in the basement, it will feel more like home.

ok. I’m going to clean the basement.

updates

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FK and I have been quite busy. We sold our house and closed on it on 10/24. We are closing on our new townhouse on 11/17. We are still working through the details of financing and have had a few curve balls thrown, but I think we will be ok.

I was just in Minnesota for 3 days and I am exhausted… I really don’t have much else to say!

happy anniversary

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It’s hard to believe that 5 years have passed since we were married.

I remember not too long ago, friends of my parents would visit and say things like, “I can’t believe how old you are!” and “It seems like just yesterday!” I had no context for that kind of statement. It was just another thing that old people said as they pinched my cheeks and patted my head.

And yet, here I am with graying hair and 5 years of marital bliss under my belt.

Surely, it has not all been bliss. We realized (after we lived it) that the first year was the hardest in terms of adjusting to living together. Since that first year, we’ve had many trials and challenges. Most of what we’ve been through would have happened, regardless of whether or not we were married, but because of our relationship, we weathered those things much better than we would have as separate solo acts.

When we were first married, Frank would often talk about our marriage as being on a launching pad. We laid the foundation and we were in the process of stocking our little space shuttle. Around year 2, we launched. Unfortunately, we’ve recently found ourselves in an asteroid belt of sorts, trying to navigate in a place where the terrain is a bit dicey. Yes, I know, sort of a lame analogy, but it’s the best I can do right now.

Frank has been my best friend and the most loyal partner I could ever imagine. When he is gone, I long for him and when he is home, I love to snuggle next to him. Even when times are rough and nothing seems to be going as we would hope, I know we will get through it.

We spent Friday night in Chicago. We wandered up State Street (that great street!). We saw the Trump tower and various other land marks. We ate at a lovely Spanish restaurant called 1492. We walked back and took a picture with random people on a bridge in Chicago. No idea who these people are, but we will forever be in their digital roll of film. 🙂 Immortalized as “those tall people.” Does it get any better?

Our life is interesting. We love what we do and urge each other on. We are each other’s cheerleaders and biggest fans. At the end of our lives, I know we will smile and be glad for all of the adventures. In many ways, we have taken the road less traveled with our careers and extracurricular activities.

I thank God for this wonderful marriage and adventure. I think I can safely say that it has never been boring.

I love you, FK. TM, A.

quick step

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For all the things in my life that I am slow at – getting out of the car, for one – there are many other ways in which I devour life.

I eat quickly. I drink and taste, but I do not savor. I would be a terrible chef or sommelier. I must confess that I am a scanner – I read books quickly because I am looking only for the important information. I love to check things off, move on to the next thing, check check check check CHECK. What is the heck is that?? Why am I like that?

This thought occurred to me several times tonight in a short period of time. And I think that God gave me Frank as a husband because he is so good at just enjoying where he is. He is a savorer. And that is a blessing.