day 1

August 7, 2009 / emmykay / 3 Comments

So here we are, back in familiar territory: Day 1 of my cycle.

I am so grateful that Day 1 is today. That means I can get my Ultra Sound and Bloodwork tomorrow for Day 3. The only sticky point is the prescriptions for the next month’s protocol and where & when they will be delivered because we are going out of town.

I am sad, of course, but ready to move past it. It didn’t work. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Frank and I did everything possible to make it work. I took every vitamin and pill exactly as outlined by my doctors. I definitely ovulated. So there is no regret – there can’t be. It just didn’t work.

The good doctor will call me this afternoon to discuss any changes to protocol. That’s all I got.

c'mon guys, i don't do drugs – really!

August 6, 2009 / emmykay / 3 Comments

If there was an award given for “least likely to do drugs” – I would probably win every time.

So it makes me laugh that I had to do a drug screening for my next job.

Apparently there are people out there, very much unlike me, that have legitimate concerns when it comes to the outcome of their drug tests.

But because my experience is vastly different and, well, I don’t do illegal drugs, I found today’s drug screening process to be kind of amusing and a little militant.

The lady brought me back to a little sink.

“Do you have a photo ID?”

Yep, no problem. Here you go.

“Please place your purse in the cabinet. I will lock the cabinet so that your belongings will be secure.”

Really? Ok. No problem.

“Please wash your hands with soap and water.”

Sterile, I gotcha.

“Please pee into this cup, providing enough up until here – ” she points to an imaginary line”- and then please do not flush the toilet when you are done.”

Ok, back that up. My mom trained me aggressively TO flush ALWAYS. Ugh, I hope this doesn’t get back to her.

I went into the bathroom and produced a sample. The bathroom didn’t have a sink or trash can – another bothersome factoid for me. That REALLY grossed me out. If there was any way to open that door with my feet, I would have done it.

I handed over the sample and gladly washed my hands very thoroughly. She then sealed the sample, I initialed a sticker on the sample that meant I agreed that she sealed the sample. And then I signed a document stating that she sealed the sample. We called my mom to tell her that we sealed the sample. The sample is sealed, ok?

And let’s never do that again.

the first day of the rest of my life…

August 6, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

oh, I know. I’m a drama queen.

So how do you transition out of one career path (agency life) and into the public sector (aka village government)?

You start with a 3.3 mile run. Then you go to lunch with two dear friends. Then you get pedicures.

And then you get a drug test.

Hmmm. That last one was surprising.

And tomorrow, I think I am going to color my hair a shocking color and cut it shorter.

And I think the transition will be complete.

last day in the ad agency world

August 5, 2009 / emmykay / 3 Comments

Today is it – my last day at an ad agency. When I was in college, I dreamed of being at an ad agency. I thought there would be nothing cooler. I have been privileged to work at ad agencies for the past 7 years of my life. I’ve loved it. I’ve hated it. I’ve met some of the coolest people I’ve ever known. I’ve met some characters. I’ve had clients call me screaming (and swearing). I’ve had clients call me overjoyed. I’ve seen some of the best work get scrapped. I’ve canceled amazing media plans. I’ve worked on teams where we negotiated amazing media programs with amazing media partners that had perfect synergy with our brands. It’s a cool industry. And at the end of the day, ads that are the blood, sweat and tears of teams of people inundate you in your home, at work, in your car, at the airport. So many of us are annoyed by ads. Entertained by ads. Moved to take action (positively or negatively) by ads. It’s cool to hate ads, but tell me you haven’t heard of a Sham-Wow or Tide or Toyota or Apple. Tell me you don’t get just a little excited about the ads in the Superbowl.

Advertising is an art and it’s a science. It’s communication at its best when it entertains and informs in :30 seconds or less, in a page or less, on a billboard on the highway, on a screen in an elevator. It’s communication at its best when you remember the brand, the product. And then you try it. And you buy it. And you recommend it. It’s at its best when you feel that you discovered the product and become a spokesperson.

Advertising is an industry founded entirely ideas and dreams and thoughts.

The next time you experience an ad in a magazine, on TV, on a website, on the radio, on a billboard, on a bus, in an airport, on a train, on your cell phone – know that it started as an idea. An idea that was probably hatched under the hot lights of a conference room. Probably after hours. By people running only on Diet Coke and Red bull and candy from the candy jar next to accounting. And they draw from their experiences and their lives – the ones they have and the ones they wish they had. And at 7:30 pm on a Tuesday, while memorizing the features and benefits and positioning statement of a product, someone speaks up and says, “Hey guys, I have an idea…” And maybe that brave soul is a senior manager or an intern or a creative or a media person or a brand manager. But it doesn’t matter because whoever has the idea, has the floor.

And this brave soul talks about a trip they took to a place they love and how it made them feel. And then they talk about how that imagery would be a perfect visual analogy for the product in front of them. And it ties in perfectly with this idea for a tag line that they have. And then… And then there is a point where someone else, inspired, takes the hand-off on the idea and they build on it – I get what you’re saying – it totally speaks to our target audience – it would work perfectly in these media options – we could shoot it in Argentina or Colorado or Iowa – and the vision for the execution and the next steps pull together like a snowball picking up speed rolling down a mountain.

And this avalanche of thinking takes over these ad agency folks lives. Pictures are tacked up over their offices. Media vendors are contacted, more ideas are brainstormed. Plans. Negotiations. More late nights. More lunches at their desks.

And one day, you’re making dinner and watching the 6 pm news. And an ad for a car or a coffee maker or a shoe or a phone is in the first position of the commercial pod and the imagery reminds you of something you loved as a child. A vacation you took, a place you went to – and you smile. And you think, hmm, a new … interesting. And maybe you buy it or maybe you don’t.

That is advertising, when it goes well.

There are so many days when it doesn’t go well. There are so many times when my eyes were bloodshot looking at a spreadsheet or a flowchart or a presentation. There were many nights when I ate lunch and dinner at my desk. When I drank more than 50 oz of diet coke. When I walked out to the last car in the last row of the parking lot, lit by a solitary street light.

But it always felt worth it when it worked.

2.2 miles of therapy

August 4, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

I think running is therapy for me.

It’s me, proving to myself, that I can run. I can make it each quarter mile further.

Each step is me not caving.

Each step reminds me of the verses in the Bible that say to rejoice in suffering and trials.

Each step reminds me that because I took one step, the next time it will be easier and faster and lighter.

People have said that you run against no one but yourself.

And that’s true.

But you also run for no one but yourself and because God gave us the ability to choose to run.

I run for me and to be closer to God. Even if I say nothing and He says nothing, it’s sort of like an aligning of me with His Spirit.

I run as fast as I can mentally and physically and emotionally.

Tonight I started crying while I was running, but I kept going. I ran through the tears and found a good pace and felt better.

I was crying because the thought occurred to me that the saddest and hardest part of what we are going through is the thought that if we don’t have children, who will tell future generations how much Frank and I loved eachother? Who will tell future generations the great things that God has done in our lives?

And you know, I don’t have anything else to say about that. It’s just sad. And yeah, maybe we will have kids. And maybe we won’t. I think I’m just sad.

The cool thing about running is that sometimes it gets really hard. Sometimes I think, “I just can’t go on, I’ll never make the next mile.” And then, I push and I make it. That gives me a lot of hope.

So maybe right now it’s hard and I’m just sad, but I will persevere. And God’s Word says that perseverance builds character and character gives us hope.

In sadness I can have hope. And that is awesome.

running & frank is home

August 4, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

Ok, so I did NOT get my 2 mile run in this morning. I opted, instead, to sleep in. I feel that it was a wise decision.

And I am psyched for my 2 mile run this evening, with FK. I am really going to push myself to run faster than I have, since this is now becoming a “short” distance for me.

Did I mention that FK is home? Only for 24 hours, but hey, I’ll take what I can get!

And next week, Vegas! YES!

comparisons

August 3, 2009 / emmykay / 6 Comments

The other day I was driving along, thinking about our fertility situation. And I realized that the hardest part of the journey has been the comparisons.

Medical Comparisons – I often find myself thinking of friends I’ve known going through infertility. We talk and we compare notes and often I will say, “Hmm, I am worse off because I didn’t get that positive result on that hormone test like Betsy, but I am better off because I ovulated unlike Suzi.”

***

Situational Comparisons –Sometimes Frank and I will say, “Why is it that we can’t get pregnant but XYZ high school student got pregnant thinking about sex??”

***

Comparisons as Comfort –I have experienced this, and I have seen it in action. It happens a lot when people miscarry – well-meaning friends say, “Well, I know a couple who lost their 2 year old. At least you didn’t lose a real baby.” To someone who is pregnant, that child is a real baby and they are experiencing real grief.

Even still, I found myself thinking the other day, “Well, at least it’s not like I’ve gotten pregnant and lost the baby. I should feel better that at least I just haven’t been able to get pregnant.” It didn’t make me feel better, by the way. It still hurts.

***

Comparisons as Advice -Or others will try to make us feel better and say, “Our friends Lynn and Gary were in the same exact situation, but then they adopted/stopped trying/did something else, and it worked! And now they have 5 kids!”

***

I find myself experiencing, thinking or witnessing a lot of these comparisons. I was trying to turn my own attitude around the other day by telling myself, “It’s not like losing a child or a baby.” But it didn’t help because I still felt loss – losing the hope for a child or a baby that month.

Everyone has their own problems and issues. Sure, having babies is difficult for us. But there are so many other ways in which God has blessed us. Others might say, “at least you have jobs” — and they are right. There are so many positive things going for us. I rejoice to God in those things and I give thanks to God for those things.

Even though it is so tempting to compare myself and our situation to others, I have to fight it daily because there is no peace in the comparison. How can there be? I am not Suzi or Betsy or anyone else. God has given Frank and I our path of life because He knows us more intimately and more profoundly than anyone else. He knows how many hairs are on my head (and Frank’s too), He knows all the days of my life. He knew what today would be like before I did. In so many ways, He has graciously prepared this season of our life for us by putting people in our lives that have been down this road, have felt this heartache and have glorified God in the process. What a kind and loving God He is!

Most of my closest friends “get” where I am at and are truly encouraging and comforting and amazing. But on several occassions, I have had to bite my tongue and listen to people say things that they clearly haven’t thought through. I find that I actually have a lot of compassion for those people . It has to be hard to be in their shoes, looking at me and not knowing what to say. I totally get that. As someone who regularly sticks her foot in her mouth (and I have HUGE feet), I often say the wrong thing. And going through this, I feel like I am more qualified to provide a few pieces of advice to anyone wondering what to say to someone like me.

Listen. Really, really listen. Grieve with your friend. Ask questions. The ability to not get pregnant is difficult and every month that we are not pregnant feels like a loss. Only it’s not a visable hurt – it’s a quiet hurt. Don’t cut your friend out of activities or events because children will be there. Your friend(s) will politely decline if it’s too much for them or they have other plans. At least give them the option.

And please, don’t tell them “at least you can adopt or foster.” It’s such a personal decision and it is not a “fix” for not being able to have biological children. Adoption is a fantastic route for starting or expanding a family, especially if you are at a place where your heart is open to it. But you wouldn’t say to someone who lost their spouse, “Well, there are other fish in the sea.”

And hey, I totally know that 99.9% of people mean well. If you see someone hurting, then you try to tell them things to help them feel better. But sometimes part of healing is hurting. And that is ok.

yummy recipes

August 2, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

I love making desserts. I’ve found a few dessert recipes over the past few years worth sharing.

Flourless Chocolate Cake

From the chefs at Everyday Food, this is truly a simple, no fuss recipe. It pretty much features 4 basic ingredients: chocolate chips, eggs, butter and sugar. You can check out the recipe here .

But you can’t have Flourless Chocolate Cake without homemade Bailey’s whipped cream. To make this, you need three key ingrediants: 8-12oz carton of heavy whipping cream, powdered sugar and Bailey’s. Mix up the heavy whipping cream until it’s fairly stiff – almost a butter. Add in a tablespoon or so of powdered sugar. Mix in about 1/4 cup of Baileys. Eat. Yum!

Strawberry Shortcake Cake

One of my favorite foodie blogs is The Pioneer Woman, without a doubt! She has so many pictures and descriptions for her recipes. It’s basically food porn.

I just made her Strawberry Shortcake Cake. Just a few thoughts on what I could do better – I did NOT use enough strawberries. Definitely need to use more. I also did not level the cake batter in the pan before baking it. I bet that would have been helpful… That said – you definitely need to try making this cake! SOOO delish and it got rave reviews.

now that's an ugly run!

August 2, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

I ran my 4 mile run today (4.3 to be precise!) and man, was that run ug-ly! First, I should clarify for my dear friend Erin that when I say “run” I mean a slow jog just a touch faster than a brisk walk.

Second, I originally mapped out a run that was EXACTLY 4.0 miles. I ran 4.3 because I made a wrong turn and got a wee bit lost. No worries, I course corrected and was fine.

Third, I was sooo hot from the run that I was still sweating AFTER the shower. I tried (in vain) to blow-dry my hair. The extra heat only made me sweat more and was counter productive. ::sigh:: So I wound up going to tea with a wet head. The British are quite disappointed, I’m sure.

So ugly, but so good! I definitely had a natural runner’s high afterwords. But as the old adage goes – what goes up must come down. Nap time!

the dynamic duo

August 1, 2009September 11, 2010 / emmykay / Leave a comment

Two of my dearest friends, Dorothy and Tammy, are turning 29 next week. One year from 30. (I’m good with math) This means that I am right behind them. Dirty.

Our twenties were … busy. Graduating from college. Boyfriends, relationships, marriages. Moving (me, mostly). Jobs and job changes (planned and otherwise). New friends.

And in the midst of that, lots of figuring out who we were after college. Out of the confines of the educational system, who were our friends? What were we going to do with our lives?

Oh, and I guess it didn’t help that Frank and I left the state for four years.

But here we are, almost 16 years after I met Tammy and 10 years after meeting Dorothy, and we are all still close friends.

Tammy is one of the cutest girls you’ll meet. A sweet demeanor, I’ve only heard her yell once (well, maybe twice). And everyone stopped and looked – shocked that she raised her voice. And she gives great shoulder rubs! Tammy loves to dance and sing – and you can catch her doing both while eating something delicious (when something is yummy, Tammy lets you know!). Tammy takes her time with things, thinks before she speaks and is often a little late for… everything. But! I learned a trick last weekend – if you call her last minute for something, she totally shows up on time. Ah ha! Peace and harmony is important to her.

Dorothy is passionate. She loves everyone she meets (and knows someone EVERYWHERE – trust me – true story) and everyone loves her. She is a fantastic teacher, a natural leader and a sensitive soul. Another vocalist (I know so many just to make up for my ineptitude in that arena), she rocks the mic at karaoke and at many wedding ceremonies. Dor shows up on time and prepared for just about everything. Justice and mercy are important to her.

I love both of these ladies and I cannot wait to see out this decade of our lives together. Our twenties have been exciting. I hope our thirties are just as sweet.

emmy kay and co.

love > everything else