If there was an award given for “least likely to do drugs” – I would probably win every time.

So it makes me laugh that I had to do a drug screening for my next job.

Apparently there are people out there, very much unlike me, that have legitimate concerns when it comes to the outcome of their drug tests.

But because my experience is vastly different and, well, I don’t do illegal drugs, I found today’s drug screening process to be kind of amusing and a little militant.

The lady brought me back to a little sink.

“Do you have a photo ID?”

Yep, no problem. Here you go.

“Please place your purse in the cabinet.  I will lock the cabinet so that your belongings will be secure.”

Really? Ok.  No problem.

“Please wash your hands with soap and water.”

Sterile, I gotcha.

“Please pee into this cup, providing enough up until here – ” she points to an imaginary line”- and then please do not flush the toilet when you are done.”

Ok, back that up.  My mom trained me aggressively TO flush ALWAYS.  Ugh, I hope this doesn’t get back to her.

I went into the bathroom and produced a sample.  The bathroom didn’t have a sink or trash can – another bothersome factoid for me.  That REALLY grossed me out. If there was any way to open that door with my feet, I would have done it.

I handed over the sample and gladly washed my hands very thoroughly.  She then sealed the sample, I initialed a sticker on the sample that meant I agreed that she sealed the sample.  And then I signed a document stating that she sealed the sample.  We called my mom to tell her that we sealed the sample.  The sample is sealed, ok?

And let’s never do that again.