moments in the k house

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So we’re sitting here, Frank on the comfy chair and me on the couch.  We were watching Saturday Night Live and at the end of the show, Frank and I had two entirely different experiences:

Frank

Boy, it would be so awesome to go to the wrap party for Saturday Night Live.  I hear they are epic!  SNL starts at 10:30 central, so 11:30 east coast.  Runs about 90 minutes, so done at 1 a.m.  Probably takes 30 minutes to finish up and get to a wrap party.  Hmmm.  Yeah, the party probably goes until 4 a.m., so then they’re driving home at like 5 a.m., watching the sun rise.  Wow, and the day before, when they got up, they probably thought, “This is going to be a long day.” And after the wrap party, they probably think, “Wow, I just finished taping SNL.” What a crazy life. How cool would that be?

but then Frank looks over and sees his dear wife.

Emily

Ugh.  I hate when the weather gets cold.  My skin gets so dry and flakey.  Ew.  Oh, what is that on my shirt?  What is that?  (lifting up part of my shirt) Hmmm.  Is that some of my flakey skin?  That is just gross.

I look up to see Frank staring at me.

“What?” I ask.

Frank, still staring at me, smiles.  “Nothing.”

So much for the glamorous life, huh?

stories

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Frank and I had lunch with two friends who have made some difficult choices in their lives.  The choices were, generally speaking, between doing the right thing and the easy thing.  For the past year or so, doing the right thing has gotten increasingly more difficult for them and the outcome seemed to disappear around a bend in the road.

Recently, they rounded the bend and the outcome is clearer.  They were weary travelers, uncertain of how long to the goal of this particular race, but as they look ahead and see the finish line, it is evident by the looks on their faces that they are energized.

They also commented that they knew that getting to their goal line was going to be a “buzzer shot.”

Good stories are about choices.  Great stories are about choices at the buzzer.

Listening to them talk, it really made me think long about the story that God is telling through my life.  What kind of choices am I making?  What are my “buzzer shots” – the decisions made quickly, when everything is on the line?  And do I even recognize it when I’m making “buzzer shots”?

What is helpful to me is rereading this blog and seeing the story of our life unfold.  The change from my early blogs (which seemed to center more around shopping and social events) to now is evidence of the path that Frank and I have been down.  One day, I hope to print out my blog, bind it and give it to our children so they can see what I was like and the work that God continues to do in me.

I love reading other peoples’ blogs.  I love reading their unfolding stories.  I love hearing about the work that God is doing in their lives and the twists, turns and “buzzer shot” moments.

Hearing peoples’ stories is encouraging, educating and edifying (yeah, score, three “e” words!).  Thanks to all of my “in real life” friends who share their stories with me on a regular basis.  And thanks to all of the many bloggers I read for so candidly sharing their stories!

that's what she said…

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I was reading the blog of one of my dearest friends, Vicky, and I realized that what she said was right on.  Basically, she didn’t believe that God would give her a safe pregnancy or that she would have a friend that she could be pregnant with.  She didn’t believe that something that GOOD could happen to her.

I know that God gives me good things all the time.  Heck, the things from God are usually GREAT!  This job that I have now, I firmly believe came from God.  My husband – totally a gift from God (but don’t let that go to your head Frank! 😉 ).  Family and friends that I love – awesome.  Lots of good, amazing things.

But in this one area, after years of watching my friends having children, I’ve started to think that God just wouldn’t let me have that.  This thought isn’t based in experiences I’ve had in other areas of my life – my life is abundant with God’s blessings, even in the disappointments I’ve had.  And maybe because I’ve wanted children for so long and had to wait, and then when we started trying, it has been a trail of problems, I’ve started to think that God can’t touch this area of our lives.  I’ve started to think that while God can do great things, He just can’t do them in this area.

And that’s just not true.  He can do something about this.

peace

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Peace is such a tricky topic because it can mean so many things to so many people.

Globally, most of the world is in search of peace while small groups keep us on our toes.  And it makes me wonder what peace really is, anyway.  Some of our longest periods of peace have also been times where groups of people were just quietly oppressed.  Civil rights didn’t really get going until people got vocal, disrupting the “peace and quiet” of the 1950’s.  Women’s lib didn’t make strides until women got loud about it.  Africa didn’t get the attention it needed until in the past twenty years, people made noise about the extreme poverty.  Everyone was quite “peaceful” about taking in the excess of the 1990s in the US while mass genocide was occurring in Rwanda.

What I guess I am saying is that maybe it’s not peace that’s the problem, but rather what we think peace is and  how we pursue it.

Jesus didn’t come this world to say, “Shut up and be peaceful.”  He pursued social justice and was quite disruptive to the prevailing cultural system.  He is called the Prince of Peace, yet in His wake, so many were persecuted because they follow Him.  That persecution continues, even to this day.

Jesus is a big thinker and a visionary.  He is a long-term thinker.

I, compared to Jesus, am a short term thinker.  Long term for me means 10 years.  Long term for Jesus means thousands of years.  I focus on what my next immediate step is.  Jesus focuses on the end game for the world.

So it’s no wonder that I am confused when I hear Jesus referenced both as the Prince of Peace and someone who states that families will be divided.  How can that be? – unless I don’t know what true peace is.

Is peace just shutting up while others get hurt silently?  Is peace denying my feelings so that someone else can not be bothered?  I think that I confuse the idea of peace with the idea of comfort.  If I am not comfortable, then I am not peaceful.

Maybe peace is the pursuit of justice in a manner that is, in itself, just.

I have a dear friend that I was speaking with at length this week. She expressed dissatisfaction with several areas of her life, but after talking about this dissatisfaction – we both came to the conclusion that she was bored.

Think of how many Americans, even now, have everything they should want – a home, a healthy family, a job – and yet, they are not happy.

My life has always been a continuous adventure.  Everything has been perpetually moving forward – college, marriage,  career.  I often wonder, especially in the busiest times, what it is like to have no cares in the world.

But if I were designed to be carefree – wouldn’t I just be carefree?  My friends who reach plateaus – times where they are standing still – often express dissatisfaction. They do not have peace.  So instead, they fill their time with stuff to do.

I know because I do it too.

So what is peace, then?  Boring? I think maybe peace is becoming the person who God made me to be and pursuing the world that God wanted us to have.  When I am working, I have peace.  When I am with my husband, I have peace.  When I am with family and friends, I have peace.

Sometimes, though, it’s not comfortable. Sometimes I am stretched by the conversations and situations that I am put in.

This world we live in feeds us lies about what our lives should be.  This world we live in tells us that peace comes easy.  I don’t think that’s true.

Peace takes courage and strength to do the right thing, not the easy thing.  Peace requires love.  And not hold-eachothers-hands-and-sing-love, but real, gritty love that makes tough decisions.  Self-sacrificing love. Love that wants the best, not the safest.

I know a lot of people who ARE peaceful.  They are calm and rational in the face of major problems.  They do not shut down, hoping that issues will pass.  These peaceful people face the issues and make tough decisions.

I’ve been more anxious lately.  Anxiety is often paralyzing, making it difficult to forward.  Which is why I have been thinking a lot about peace.  But not the kind of peace that causes me to knit sweaters and go to bed at 8 pm.  I’m thinking more about the kind of peace that leads to real changes in not just my life, but in the world.

What can I be pursuing that will help me become the person I am meant to be?  What can I be doing to bring real, lasting peace to the world?

My dear friend Toni asked me about Africa – “What do you think about going on a mission trip to Africa?”  An innocent, but direct, question.  The kind of question that makes me uncomfortable and itchy.  It’s the kind of idea that requires prayerful consideration because it’s the kind of idea that could bring peace.

So maybe Africa or some kind of foreign mission.  Maybe. Probably.

To be continued…

congratulations!

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One of the bloggers who regularly comments here, Flying High, just announced that she and her dear husband are pregnant!  Congratulations to Flying High and her Pilot Husband!

Also, one of my real life friends, Dorothy, also announced that she is expecting!  She has always called me Auntie Em (appropriate, no?) but now I really will be!  Congratulations!

braless bandits

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My dear friend Nicole came down from the Good Land this weekend.

And Frank was nervous.

See, when Nicole and I are together, interesting things happen.

Two years ago, she and I attended a women’s retreat with our friend Amy.  The combination of the three of us was Out of Control.

The end result was that we left love notes on doors of even the sweetest, most unsuspecting retreat goers along with pairs of balloon-made boobies.  We even left a pair on the door of the speaker, who came downstairs to breakfast and applauded our realism with the boobies, as the pair we left her were uneven… and orange.

Word quickly spread among our husbands and my own husband felt a mixture of complex emotions that came out in a long, weary sigh.

“Really, Emily?  Really?  You go on this retreat to get closer to God and the end result is that you, Nicole and Amy formed an unholy trinity called the braless bandits? YOU LEFT BOOBIES ON THE SPEAKER’S DOOR???”

Hey.  You do whatcha gotta do.

So, needless to say, Frank knows that when Nicole and I have nothing but time on our hands, there can be no good done.

On Friday morning, I called my brother and asked him if he would pick up Nicole at the train later that night at 5:30 p.m.  Because Andy is the BEST, he agreed (aww, 120 pts, bradah!).  Later in the day, Nicole’s plans changed and I no longer needed Andy to pick her up.

But I didn’t exactly tell him that.

Later that night when I was on my way to get Nicole, I called my brother.

“Hey Em, what’s up?”

“Nothing, just going to get Nicole from the train station.”

Silence and then “Oh [expletive]!!!”

I nearly died.  Andy had forgotten and thought that I called him because he forgot to get her.  I couldn’t stop laughing!

So naturally, when Nicole saw Andy, she said, “Hey, Andy!  Thanks for the ride!”

That poor guy.

What all did Nicole and I do, besides totally terrorizing my brother??

You’ll have to buy my tell all book.  (actually, we were really well behaved this weekend and just had a nice time hanging out… maybe we’re just getting old?)

sharing!

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Borrowed from one of my favorite blogs to follow along with – Slightly Cosmo.  She’s following someone else who is following someone else!

Outside my window… it’s cold and dark.

I am thinking… about going to bed.  It’s late and it was a long and lovely day.

I am thankful for… God’s grace.  It is abundant, even in the scarcest of times.

From the kitchen…a chicken taco from Taco Bell. MmmmmMmm!

I am wearing…jeans, a teeshirt and a sweater.  And big earrings.  It makes me feel good.

I am creating… a new beginning.  More on that soon.

I am going… to sleep.  Seriously.

I am reading… a book about organics.  But I guess first I need to open it.  DIRTY!

I am hoping… that God will bless us with children.  How He does it, well, that’s the interesting part!

I am hearing…the sound of Oprah.  Help!

Around the house…is my dear friend Nicole!  She is in town from The Good Land – YAY!!

One of my favorite things… sleeping.  Why am I still online??

A few plans for the rest of the week… church, billing, driving, FRANK! FRANK!

the race

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“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” ~Hebrews 12:1

Since this weekend, I’ve really been struggling with my emotions.  Wrestling with them.

I’ve fallen into the horrible trap of wondering why, why, WHY this is the path that God is taking us down.  I’ve been angry, sad and frustrated.  I’m even guilty of comparing myself to others. And to what end?  I’m not any better for it.

This is a difficult time for both of us, but we still have hope.

My husband is probably the most wonderful man I know.  It’s not easy for him to be emotional, but he is really stretching himself emotionally and sitting with me and talking to me (and not telling me how to fix it, which is sort of a guy thing to do).  Marriages fail all the time under the weight of infertility.  But instead of Frank getting angry with me for being sad, he is learning to be very patient.  He encourages me to pray and approach God.

When I think about how difficult this is, it’s hard for me to not remember all of the huge blessings God has given us.  We both have jobs, we are both relatively healthy, we have a home that we enjoy, we have family and friends close by – we have SO much.

We have a different race to run than other couples.  Harder, easier – it doesn’t matter.  It’s our race, specifically designed for us.  I can choose to run it with happily, which only makes the race more joyful and worth watching – or I can choose to run it with great sadness, which might be easier in the short term, but is no way to go through life.

So I’m going to make the conscious decision to choose to be happy, to embrace joy and to seek God.  And sometimes I might stumble and I might fall, but I will get up and keep going.

highs & lows – week ending 10/11/09

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Yeah, that’s right – I’m starting my weeks on Mondays.  It’s the broadcast week.  You know, TV producers start their weeks on Mondays.  You didn’t know that?  No one knows that?  And furthermore, no one cares?

You’re pwobably wight.

Moving on:

Highs:

1. Time with Frank.  We’ve just been having really great time together.  Love him 🙂

2.  Lori & Chris’s wedding.  They look so lovely and so happy.  ::happy sigh::

3. Breakfast with Kate, Jamie, Craig & Brendan.  It was early, but it was worth it!  You all are fabulous!

4. Work.  I’m just really  happy with my job.  Always something interesting.  Always something to learn.

5. Cleaned out the garage, got rid of the possum couch (thanks KV!) and FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE WE MOVED HERE: my car is in the garage.  I practically squealed with joy.  And I actually squealed with joy when I remembered that I didn’t have to go outside to a cold car this morning!

Lows:

1. Fertility crapola.  Bah!

2. Anxiety issues stemming from the consumption of Diet Coke.  Guess I just have to kick the habit now and forever.  Dirty!

3. Cold weather.  I’m just not mentally ready for it.  Bah!

What are your  highs and lows?  You can play along with my dear friend Slightly Cosmo by going to her blog.  Thanks, Heidi!