abundance.

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

Frank and I have been amazed by the response from our family, friends, coworkers and even total strangers to our loss.  In a time where we are experiencing such a loss and great sadness, our cup still runs over.

We’ve had countless people tell us they are praying for us.  People have opened up and shared their own experiences so that we would know that we are not alone and that we would be comforted.  Family and friends have offered to bring over dinner and just come and sit with us.

While we haven’t been able to take everyone up on all of their kind offers, mostly because sitting together and just watching bad TV (turns out FK may secretly like the show Greek, but you didn’t hear that here…) seems to be the most comforting thing we can do.  We have found that leaning on each other is just about the best thing that we can do right now.  But I am sure that we will come out of our little cocoon sooner or later.  I mean, we will eventually run out of milk…

So – thanks to everyone who has called, emailed and texted.  It means so much to us right now – more than you may ever know.

loss

/ emmykay / 16 Comments

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

On January 22nd, 2010, Frank and I were blessed more abundantly than we could even fathom.  For the first time, we had a BFP: big freaking positive.

We couldn’t believe it.  We were in between fertility treatments.  This pregnancy was truly unexpected.

We had three ultrasounds, two that showed the perfect heartbeat of a sweet baby that we lovingly referred to as “Bean.”

Last night, after hours of unexplained cramping, an ultrasound technician was unable to locate the heartbeat of our sweet baby.

We are both crushed.

And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know you are near

As I sat in the ER with my dear friend Meghan, I kept wondering:  “Is this really happening?”

Frank was in Atlanta and caught the first flight he could catch home, arriving in the ER at 12:30 a.m.

We held eachother for a long time.

And I wondered where God was.

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

And even though Jesus couldn’t physically come sit with us, He was there.  He was there in the form of friends who dropped everything to sit with me for 5 1/2 hours in the Emergency Room.  A sweet friend who sat with me during the ultrasound.  He graciously helped Frank make it home last night, on the last flight out.

During church earlier yesterday morning, the worship team played the song whose lyrics are interspersed in this post.  It was a song that carried me during our fertility struggles.  And God lodged that song in my head and my heart yesterday, a lyrical security blanket that I fell asleep singing and woke up singing and can’t get out of my head.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

Of course I wonder why this happens.  But this morning, while I was curled around Frank, wondering why 16 year olds who have no idea what they are doing have perfectly healthy babies, it occurred to me that this was all the life that this sweet baby was supposed to have.  God knew the number of days for this sweet baby before I even knew that I was carrying her (I’ve just always thought this baby was a girl).  This sweet baby only had a few weeks to live and I see it as a heartbreaking honor to have been able to be her Mom, even for just a short 9 1/2 weeks.  Of all the people who could have been chosen to give her a home and a soft place to live on this Earth, God chose Frank and me.

I took excellent care of us during these past 9 1/2 weeks.  I took all my vitamins and medication.  I didn’t drink my favorite beverage (Diet Coke) because I didn’t want the caffeine to negatively impact her. I gave this baby the best life I could possibly give her.

She wasn’t meant to be born.  I know that in my head, but my heart is still trying to make sense of it.  Something was probably wrong with her that would have made surviving outside of the uterus impossible.  But while she was here on this Earth, she was loved.  We talked to her, we dreamed of her, and we loved her, sight unseen.  She had a whole family that loved her and cared for her, even though they had never seen her.

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

I don’t know why these things happen.

But maybe it doesn’t matter why.

These things just do happen.

Frank and I were meant to be her parents, even though it was just for a short time.  And even though this breaks our hearts more than anything ever has, we know that she is with our Savior in Heaven and that we can one day hope to meet her face-to-face.

not much to say

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

Well, I haven’t updated much.  I suppose there are many reasons.

In no particular order:

1. My computer battery is on life support.  I am afraid to move the computer from it’s current location.

2. The computer’s current location is in the basement.

3. I am a little lazy about going downstairs.

4.  Well, it’s just so out of the way, you know?

5. I’m all cozy upstairs, snuggling in a blanket and the computer is downstairs. And not just downstairs.  I have to walk through the game room and the laundry room and past the shelves full of all the stuff I need to go through (argh – guilt!) in order to get to the office.

6.  Once in the office, I often realize that the fountain needs water.  And then I get distracted by all of my Mary Kay product… such pretty colors! and smells!

7. With all the snow, I’ve been busy watching FK use the snow blower.

8.  I’m lazy and there’s nothing to report on so many fronts.  I worry that my blog will become a chronicle of me getting up, going to work and coming home and watching Ugly Betty.

9. And then I remember that Ugly Betty is on the verge of being canceled.

10.  Oh, and I”m very distracted by John Mayer’s terrible Playboy interview.  What was that all about?

Valentine’s Day is on Sunday.  I think that Valentine’s Day is as much about love as it is about true love.

I am fortunate enough to have found my soulmate at a young age.  And I’m even more fortunate that he still laughs at my lame jokes and weird facial expressions and noises.

I am also so blessed to have amazing family and friends that I love very much.

We are drowning in an abundance of love.

That’s pretty cool.

Did I mention that our basement might be haunted?

Yes, I think it is.  It is haunted by mountains of clothes to fold and paperwork to sort.  I guess that is reason 11 why I don’t like to come down to my computer and update my blog.

So yeah.  Happy Valentine’s Day!  I hope you get to spend the day with amazing, wonderful people that you love deeply.

Life is so sweet.

is nothing sacred?

/ emmykay / 4 Comments

I don’t have a dog.

I used to have a dog growing up, though.  Her name was Missy and she was a Keeshound (medium sized fluff ball with a curled up tail).  When I was younger I would take dear Missy for walks.

It was just me and her.  Walking along.  She really liked it.

Girl dogs do enjoy sniffing things, but they don’t have to sniff EVERYTHING.  That’s what’s great about walking a girl dog.

Those days of walking Missy were before the dawn of pocket-sized cell phones and PDAs with Tetris. (oh, Tetris, how I love you!)

In this golden age of face-to-face communication, we would just walk along in blissful silence unless we happened upon other people walking and enjoying the sunshine.  Missy was happy, I was happy.

I spent the time thinking about things, of course.  I’m not sure what my 13 year old brain was concerned with – perhaps I thought a lot about my next great pair of stirrup pants.  (thanks Mom!)  But the point is: I spent time with the dog, focused on doggie-type things and not rushing off to the next great thing.

Yesterday driving into work, there was a man who was barely walking his dog.  He was moving very slowly while his dog walked circles around him.  The guy was very focused on a cell phone conversation that he absolutely had to have RIGHT there.  And I thought, “For Pete’s sake – is nothing sacred any more?  Not even walking your dog?”

What’s more, yesterday was a windy, cold blustery day.  There have been times where I’ve called my husband while walking from the office to the car and he’s always said, “Where in the world are you? I can barely hear you – it’s like a wind tunnel!”  So this gentleman walking his dog, who couldn’t wait 15 minutes to have a phone conversation, probably wasn’t having a very intelligible phone conversation anyway.  What’s the point?

I see the cell phone taking precedence over lots of things, not just dog walking.  So many simple joys, like taking children to the park, are dominated by a need to talk to someone else, somewhere else, via cell phone.  Several times, during time spent with groups of friends or in meetings at work, people have spent a good 20 minutes making a phone call to talk to someone else.  You can’t send a clearer message to the person who took the time to be with you face-to-face than taking another call.  And I get the occasional important phone call.  And I get answering a call to tell the person that you are busy and if it’s not an emergency, telling them that you’ll call them back later.

I must confess, I do check my BlackBerry for messages.  I mostly do this when my husband is out of town and I am just checking to see if he sent me details about a trip or if he landed somewhere safely.  I know I need to put the Crackberry down, though.  I’m working on it.

I guess a goal that I have for myself this year (aside from working out more, eating less, blah blah blah) is to be more present where I am:  to take in the details of the world around me and to listen better to the people I am with and be more engaged in conversations in person.

And hey, if you want, I’ll walk your dog and pay attention to it.  I might even dig up an old pair of stirrup pants for the occasion…

Amazing Pot Pie Recipe

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I can’t take credit for this invention – it is totally thanks to my old boss.  It’s the easiest recipe and so delicious and PERFECT for the winter. 

What you need:

  • 1 Rotisserie Chicken
  • 2 pie crusts
  • 1 can of 98% fat free condensed cream of chicken soup
  • 1 bag of frozen mixed veggies (I like the corn, carrots, asparagus mix – the ones with peas get to pea-y tasting)
  • Seasonings that you like (pepper, salt, garlic powder, etc)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Shred the chicken into a bowl (I throw away the skin and bones).  Mix in veggies, entire can of soup and seasonings.  Set aside.

Spray a pie tin/glass baking dish with Pam, unroll pie crust and pat firmly into the pan.  Pour the chicken mixture into the pie crust.  Unroll second pie crust  on top of the creation and pinch the edges.  Puncture the top for venting (read: cut cute designs into the top of your dinner – it’s always good to play with your food) and put in the oven for 30-40 minutes until pie crust is done.

This is one of Frank’s favorite things I make for him.  It’s super easy, and aside from the pie crust (yum) it’s not too bad for you.  And it’s DELICIOUS as leftovers.  Yum-my.

I would have taken a picture, but we were too hungry to wait 🙂

soundtracks

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I married a music-phile.

Ask Frank about nearly any song from most genres (he’s a little shaky on the country music scene…) and he can likely give you the name of the album and the year it was released and when it hit its peak.

It’s pretty much amazing.

He plays a game at bars with friends where they all put a dollar in the center of the table and when the next song plays, the first person to correctly name the artist and song, slaps their hands on the pile of singles and wins it.

I would never play this game with him because I know better.

When Frank is home, music is playing in all of the rooms of the house.

He loves Dispatch and OAR and U2 and Smashing Pumpkins and Owl City.

He loves music that he can listen to sitting on a patio at a bar or restaurant, leaning back in his chair and enjoying a beer.

Because of Frank, music has become the soundtrack of our lives.

When we started dating in 2002, John Mayer songs bring me back to that post-college summer that we enjoyed together.

It was the summer that Frank worked 12-14 hour days and sent me sweet texts between shifts flying traffic observation.

It was the summer that we went for walks, saw Mike & Joe at several venues, and I burned a few dinners trying to impress him.

And there are songs that bring me back to the summer of our engagement in 2003 – a summer that alternately went by so quickly and so slowly.  If you look back at the summer of 2003, most of my posts were just marking time until our wedding.  I couldn’t wait to be married to Frank!   I think of OAR’s “Crazy Game of Poker” and Zwan’s “Honestly” when I think of that summer.

This past summer was a challenge for us, but was so sweet at the same time.

Frank was flying, I was at a job by the end of the summer that I loved, and we were both working on our running.  We would sit in the screened-in porch, eating dinner and watching the sun set over the field behind our house.  It was so blissful for us.

Frank introduced me to a song over the summer that makes me think of peaceful summer nights and God’s abundant grace.  I’ve been thinking about this song a lot lately – partly because I miss the summer and mostly because I have been reminded so much of all of the ways that God has blessed us – both big and small.

The song is by Dispatch and it’s called “The General.”

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost, and
legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time

on the battlefield, he gained
respectful fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on

but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
And wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent

all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with the courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home

[CHORUS:]
He said:
I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting
I have seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I’m going

So,take a shower, shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living

Take a shower, shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven

things i think about

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for real.

1) I plan things in my head all the time.  I’ve been thinking about how to arrange our living room for a long time now.  I’m thinking a sectional sofa is in our future to maximize the space.  I’ve also been working on my kitchen in my head too.

2) What did Jesus REALLY look like.  Like, was he short?  Tall?  Did he have acne as a teenager?

3) How in the world did people know to put eggs in with flour and sugar to make cake??  Like, was someone standing around with an egg and a bag of flour and they thought, “Well, I like eggs and I like flour… I wonder if they like eachother??”  And how about cheese? Who said, “No, no, let that pail of milk stand for a while until it becomes thick and delicious – then we can put it in a can and spray it on crackers and call it Cheez Whiz.”  Amazing.

4) What would cars look like if we didn’t have the horse and buggy first?  I mean, is it that intuitive to put the engine in the front?  Would it be better to put the engine in the back?

5) What is the origin of kissing?  What made us humans think “You know, I saw Frank eat all of that food and he seemed to be pretty happy about putting that in his mouth – I think I’d like to kiss him to see what that’s all about.”  I’m not saying that I don’t LOVE smooching (cuz I LOVE smooching), I’m just saying, why didn’t humans say, “Hey, why not fist bump?”

6) When the fuel light comes on in my car, how far can I really go?  I’ve gone about 20 miles before after getting the light, but I’m never sure if the fuel light really means it.  When I accelerate, sometimes the light goes off.  Is that my cars way of saying, “Peddle to the metal, Em!  Let’s go!”

7) When I’m driving on the highway, I mentally zoom out so that I can “see” my car cruising down the road from the air.  Then I zoom out more, and I can see my car tracing the curve of the Earth.  It makes me feel small.

That’s all for now.  I know, I ended with 7.  Who does a top 7 list? I do.

 I wonder why…

update much?

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So, Emily, how is this “Bold Blogging”going?

It’s not going?

You haven’t blogged in days and days and days?

Wow.

That’s the fastest New Year’s resolution you’ve ever dropped – including New Year’s diets and vows to make Frank more home-cooked meals.

~Real conversation with myself.

Ok, so a lot has been going on.

First of all, the new season of Greek starts on the 26th and the folks at Hulu.com are currently airing all three seasons for FREE – until the 26th.  As someone who is fully addicted to this show, I’ve GOT to get to the end of the freebies STAT.  This is big.

Second of all, Frank was home a ton and so I dedicated my time to snuggling and hanging out with him.  I gotta take the Frank time when I can get it!

Third, well, things got a big crazy this past week.  Just with real life.  I am looking forward to Sunday so that I can watch a movie and hang out.  That’ll be nice.

***

I spent a lot of time in the past few weeks trying to put my thoughts together on one particular topic: Intolerant tolerant people.  There are several people who claim intellectual tolerance but take the attack on Christians frequently.  Makes me wonder about how tolerant they really are.

But of course, I cannot think of people who are intolerant tolerant people without noting that there are Christians who do not love others the way that God called us to love others.

So the thing remains: how often do I reflect on myself?  How often do I recognize my own unloving behavior?

More on this to come.

long time between posts

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I know that I’ve had a long time between posts recently.

Part of it is because I’ve been busy.

But most of it has been because I’ve had a lot on my mind.

And not just about ice cream, although I think about it often.

So I promise a big update (as in lengthy – not as in important) coming soon.

It will be chocked full of pictures.  Amazing moments (ahem – I’ll snap a few of FK making me dinner…mm!).

But until then, please pray for my friends Aaron & J.  J is very sick and could use all the prayers in the world.