Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

On January 22nd, 2010, Frank and I were blessed more abundantly than we could even fathom.  For the first time, we had a BFP: big freaking positive.

We couldn’t believe it.  We were in between fertility treatments.  This pregnancy was truly unexpected.

We had three ultrasounds, two that showed the perfect heartbeat of a sweet baby that we lovingly referred to as “Bean.”

Last night, after hours of unexplained cramping, an ultrasound technician was unable to locate the heartbeat of our sweet baby.

We are both crushed.

And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know you are near

As I sat in the ER with my dear friend Meghan, I kept wondering:  “Is this really happening?”

Frank was in Atlanta and caught the first flight he could catch home, arriving in the ER at 12:30 a.m.

We held eachother for a long time.

And I wondered where God was.

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

And even though Jesus couldn’t physically come sit with us, He was there.  He was there in the form of friends who dropped everything to sit with me for 5 1/2 hours in the Emergency Room.  A sweet friend who sat with me during the ultrasound.  He graciously helped Frank make it home last night, on the last flight out.

During church earlier yesterday morning, the worship team played the song whose lyrics are interspersed in this post.  It was a song that carried me during our fertility struggles.  And God lodged that song in my head and my heart yesterday, a lyrical security blanket that I fell asleep singing and woke up singing and can’t get out of my head.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

Of course I wonder why this happens.  But this morning, while I was curled around Frank, wondering why 16 year olds who have no idea what they are doing have perfectly healthy babies, it occurred to me that this was all the life that this sweet baby was supposed to have.  God knew the number of days for this sweet baby before I even knew that I was carrying her (I’ve just always thought this baby was a girl).  This sweet baby only had a few weeks to live and I see it as a heartbreaking honor to have been able to be her Mom, even for just a short 9 1/2 weeks.  Of all the people who could have been chosen to give her a home and a soft place to live on this Earth, God chose Frank and me.

I took excellent care of us during these past 9 1/2 weeks.  I took all my vitamins and medication.  I didn’t drink my favorite beverage (Diet Coke) because I didn’t want the caffeine to negatively impact her. I gave this baby the best life I could possibly give her.

She wasn’t meant to be born.  I know that in my head, but my heart is still trying to make sense of it.  Something was probably wrong with her that would have made surviving outside of the uterus impossible.  But while she was here on this Earth, she was loved.  We talked to her, we dreamed of her, and we loved her, sight unseen.  She had a whole family that loved her and cared for her, even though they had never seen her.

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

I don’t know why these things happen.

But maybe it doesn’t matter why.

These things just do happen.

Frank and I were meant to be her parents, even though it was just for a short time.  And even though this breaks our hearts more than anything ever has, we know that she is with our Savior in Heaven and that we can one day hope to meet her face-to-face.

16 thoughts on “loss

  1. the beauty and bravery you exhibit just by posting this amazing writing is beyond words. you are such an amazing, courageous, beautiful, and strong woman. you and frank are chosen and special children of our Father. i am honored to have you in my life.
    i love you more than words can say. i am weeping and mourning and praying with you both. i wish so badly i could take your pain away. but i KNOW and i TRUST that God is with you and He has an amazing plan for you both. i know the pain can be blinding at times. but trust me, God is here and does have a plan. i am walking this with you in any way i can.
    i love you both so much.

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    • FlyingHigh – it does seem that even though we’ve only met via blogs, we’ve been through a lot together in the past year. Thanks for always being there.

  3. Emily, I’m so sorry for you and Frank.

    My heart sank to my stomach reading that. I don’t know what to say because there is really nothing “right” to say.

    Just know a stranger out there in blogland is praying for you, and keep your faith in the lord.

    • Thanks so much RunBlondie – I really appreciate the prayers. They mean a lot to me – I think that’s what’s keeping us afloat right now.

  4. Em and Frank,

    Jill and I are so sorry for your loss. Please let us know what we can do to help. I hope you know we would do anything in our power to help in any way we can….we love you both dearly!

    Your words are an inspiration and they are helping us deal with a quandary….why such beautiful people struggle to have children when others so casually approach the process and take things for granted.

    I know, in my mind (as you do), that things happen for a reason. I know, in my heart, that good things will happen for you and Frank regarding having and raising children. Good things happen to good people and God has a plan for you good people!

    So confident am I in that vision that I can tell you that I am already looking forward to meeting your children in the future.

    I look forward to the joy I will surely experience as I get to know your children and realize how wonderful they are as little humans….as I realize with you every day, my beautiful niece.

    All my love……John

    • Thanks so much Uncle John! We so appreciate the prayers and the encouragement. We love you and your family so much.

  5. I have no words as I shed tears for you and Frank. Please know that you “all” are in out thoughts, prayers and hearts. We love you.
    Janyne and Gary

    • Hey Auntie Nee Nee – thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They truly mean more than anything to us right now. Love you both lots.

  6. Oh, dear friends. I have so much empathy for you and the questions on your hearts and minds. All life is precious but sometimes those lives are short. She was very real to you and will forever impact your emotions and your faith. While she only lived a few weeks in utero, she may have accomplished more than some souls do in a life time. She was your glimmer of hope from God to keep your faith. To have loved and lost is truly a blessing even though the loss hurts in a ways many cannot fathom.

    Your courage continues to inspire me. Be strong, but let heart mourn.

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  9. Thank you for loving this child. Cheryl and I have two others I cannot wait to meat in Heaven. The trauma and loss is very hard. PTL for the twins.

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