beautiful things

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This morning at church they played a song by Gungor called “Beautiful Things”.  The lyrics were really simple, but really poignant:

All this pain / I wonder if I’ll even find my way / I wonder if my life could really change at all / All this earth / Could all that is lost ever be found / Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of us

Even though we are pregnant now, I still think a lot about our struggles with fertility. I think about how tested I felt and how alone, even in the midst of knowing quite a few people going through the same things.  I think about how often I wondered why we were going through this challenge.

A lot of the time, I think about how I could’ve done it better.

Maybe I could’ve been more positive and more optimistic.  Maybe I could’ve made it easier for the people around me by not talking about it or by talking about it more or by talking about it more positively.  Maybe I could’ve put on an attitude that was happier and more joyful, even when I was hurting.

And I kind of wonder what would’ve been accomplished.

It’s been occurring to me more and more the importance of reaching outward in difficult times and of being honest about where I am at, even if that location is not exactly lovely.  Glossing over feelings and putting up a front of being happy and in control is great if my goal is to make people feel like I have my crap together.  But it doesn’t do anything to draw people in, to connect with others or build community.  Of course, I believe there is a time and a place for being emotionally honest (ahem, losing it at work is not an option).

And then I think of Frank.

Frank loves to help people do projects around their homes.  He’s really good at helping, too.  He is much more coordinated than I am, so he is definitely more of an asset than a liability in pretty much any home improvement project.  He is smart, but he is not someone who thinks he has all the answers – which means he’s willing to problem solve and take direction.

Whenever he’s been asked to help with something and he’s not flying, he willingly and joyfully obliges.

And the thing about when he helps people is that it builds community.  He gets to know the other guys he’s working with and they usually feel like they are closer friends for having done the work.  I would argue that it is more effective for guys to build relationships working alongside each other than it is to go on a double date with their wives/girlfriends.

It’s just how guys are.

But imagine if no one asked him to help?  If everyone could just do it on their own?

I have a friend Rose, who you’ve read about here on my blog.  She and I have struggled with starting a family for some time.  She’s probably one of the sweetest girls I know.  And I doubt we’d be as good of friends as we are if we had not struggled through this fertility stuff together.  If she had said, “yeah, everything is WONDERFUL for me” and I’d lied and said the same thing, we’d probably never know each other as well as we do.

We share in the struggles together.  We cheer each other onward.  We rejoice and we grieve together.

I would also suggest that sometimes it’s the small things that bring us together.  Yes, the holidays are a great time for families to come together, but I also think that casual Tuesday night dinners and birthday dinners and celebrations of day-to-day things also brings us all closer.

So I don’t think I did the fertility stuff perfectly.  I didn’t keep myself together in a perfect little package of happiness.  But I don’t regret the struggle.

The song at church today reminded me that God uses all of this life we live to make beautiful things.  Out of the dust of our sadness and pain, God has grown friendships, strengthened our marriage and rooted us more deeply in our faith.  Our God is a faithful God, no matter the circumstance.

carbon monoxide poisoning

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One of my dearest friends, Vicky, has been working diligently with her husband to move past the fall out of his affair that he confessed to about 10 months ago.  Watching them work valiantly to save their marriage, often struggling, but still persisting, has been inspiring.  Knowing Vicky as well as I do, and hearing her struggles and how she has turned them over to God on a daily, hourly and sometimes minute-by-minute basis, has been a powerful reminder to me of how I should live my own life.

I’ve had other friends deal with affairs, addictions and financial trials throughout their marriages.  We’ve known a few couples that have split over pretty big stuff.

This Friday on a local Chicago radio show (WTMX’s Eric & Kathy), morning host Kathy announced that she and her husband were separating.  She said that they still loved each other and were still friends, but for the sake of their family they were going to go their separate ways.  She said that they realized that they were not in love with each other any more and that life had gotten in the way and when the dust settled, they were friends and roommates and nothing more.

This revelation was very unsettling to me because as often as people we’ve known have gotten divorced, most were not explosive endings.  Most of the divorces seem to be the result of marital carbon monoxide poisoning.

Marriages are slowly poisoned over time because we don’t tend to them – we don’t feed them, care for them and keep them going.  Most marriages die a slow, torturous death and the final cause of death can barely be determined because there were so many minor causes that it’s hard to find just one that killed it.

I have been fortunate in my marriage because Frank’s frequent absences make it hard for things to be dull.  In spite of fertility treatments, pregnancy, work, etc – we’ve done a pretty OK job of keeping the marriage alive – but it could be better.  With the exciting prospect of twins in just five months, I know we’re going to have to work even harder to keep things interesting between us.  We’re going to need to go on dates and ask eachother questions and find creative ways to keep the romance alive.

I heard a pastor say once regarding scripture that presumed familiarity breeds unfamiliarity.  I think that sometimes I think I know everything there is to know about Frank, but we’ll be sitting at dinner or driving somewhere and he’ll tell me a story about his life or something he’s learned and it gives me new appreciation for him.

So here is my question to you: What do you do to keep things fresh in your marriage?

15 weeks

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Today we are 15 weeks pregnant!  Only 23 more weeks to go 🙂  Our doctor expects us to deliver by 38 weeks since we are having twins.

What’s new with the babies: According to weekly development charts, our babies are bout 4 inches long (head to rump) and they can sense light, even though their eyelids are currently fused shut.  I don’t feel them moving yet, but in the next few weeks, I might start feeling them moving around.

How I feel: Exhausted!  I was doing alright for a while, but I hit a wall.  Between working full time and occasionally having before work or after work meetings, I think it finally caught up with me.  I spent Saturday night trying to stay awake until FK came home.  Since I went to church Saturday night, we slept in this morning.  I could barely keep my eyes open Sunday afternoon, so we took a nap at 2:30 and FK woke me up at 5 p.m., worried that I wouldn’t be able to go to bed tonight.  I am still VERY tired, so I don’t think I’ll have any problems!

I am also starting to show a little bit and I’ll be sure to post pictures soon.  It’s not so much “wow, there’s a baby” as it is “hmm… have you put on some weight?” but I guess I have to start somewhere!

Other thoughts: Aside from the mono-like exhaustion over the weekend, Frank and I are getting more and more excited about the pregnancy!  I go in next week for a 16 week check up and I am looking forward to hearing their heartbeats.  Part of me is a little bit anxious to wait so long since our last appointment (about 4 weeks) and I will be relieved when we can get confirmation that everything is okay next week.

three things: about our house

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I haven’t done a “three things” post in a while.  Probably because I’ve been struggling through nagging fatigue and dealing with a few house issues…

Thing 1: The Garage

Over the course of the two years we’ve lived in our house, I’ve parked my car in the one-car garage for a total of about 1 month. Seriously.

Every time we clean out the garage and get it organized, a major purchase (ie a snowblower) throws everything out of whack.  Once the garage is out of commission, it suddenly becomes a holding space for any number of things.  Having a party? Toss the 13 pairs of shoes sitting next the front door into the garage!  Unexpected guests?  Throw Frank’s suitcase out there stat!

But today, I make a stand against abusing the garage.

We cleaned it out – sorted through boxes of collegiate memories and threw out an entire garbage can of randomness that we have, sadly, moved from an apartment in Illinois to an apartment in Wisconsin to a house in Wisconsin to a house in Illinois.

::Sob::

Oh the money we spent on moving garbage!!

But never again – we shall prevail.  Our garage will house a vehicle, or my name isn’t Emily…

 

Thing 2: The Basement.

We are working on cleaning out the basement next.  We started it a few weeks ago, but realized we were mostly moving things out to the garage for donation purposes.  Tomorrow, we are going to ferociously re-approach the basement.  So Help Me, we will not be defeated in this mighty endeavor!

 

Thing 3: Our Microwave.

You may recall that I previously mentioned that we have some weird electrical things going on in our house.  Of course, Frank thinks that I’m crazy, but I promise you, I might be crazy, but something weird is going on.  We replace lightbulbs in this house like it’s our job.  At one point, half of our appliances in our kitchen were not working.  One of those appliances, our dishwasher, stopped working due to an (dah dah dahhhhhh….) electrical fire!

The other appliance that isn’t working is our over-the-stove microwave.  It worked for about 2 weeks after we moved in.  It was a delight.

Then one day, it just stopped working.

My mom generously gave me an extra microwave that we stuck next to the fridge.

One day, in the midst of cleaning out the kitchen (yes, we’re on a roll with the cleaning), I expressed my dismay at having so much junk on top of the fridge.  We took the cereal boxes down and tried to find a home for them, but seeing as we don’t have a pantry, they had to sit on the counter.  Frank complained about how unsightly and inconvenient it was to have the cereal boxes on the counter and I said, “if the microwave worked, we wouldn’t have to have the extra microwave next to the fridge.”  Because Frank is brilliant, he decided to start storing the cereal boxes in the broken microwave.  Genius!

Thinking that no one else would notice, we went on with our lives.

We recently hosted an engagement party for our dear friends.  The party was a lovely success and until about midway through the party, I’d forgotten about the aforementioned cereal boxes.  In mid-conversation with my long-time friend Kate, she asked me, “Um, hey, Em, are those cereal boxes in your microwave?”

“Yup,” I replied.  I didn’t bat an eyelash and pretended that it was totally normal.

“Okay….” she said.

13 weeks

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Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.  I thought it might be fun to start documenting what’s going on each week.  I’ll try to use the same format each week.  I will also try to include pictures – I actually have a little bump going already!

What’s new with the babies: The babies are 3 inches head to tush.  If we’re having a girl or girls, she already has 2 million eggs in her ovaries.  The babies now have finger prints.

How I feel: Great, but tired.  I still have some weird aversions to herbs and spicy foods, which is killing Frank.  I haven’t gained any weight, but I definitely have a bump starting.  It’s especially noticeable when I lie down.  Frank likes to talk to the babies, usually just saying, “Helllllloooo???”

Other thoughts: It’s still very surreal to me that I’m pregnant.  I go through waves of acceptance and disbelief.  Most of the time I am able to say, “OK, I am pregnant, this is really going to happen for us!”  But then there are times where it’s just more than my little brain can fathom.

Our experiences with fertility treatments has made me abundantly aware of the fact that life is fragile.  I know far too many women who have lost babies at various stages of their pregnancy, even well into the “safe” period.  I don’t take for granted the fact that we are 13 weeks along. I treasure that we have seen our babies on five separate occasions and they were always developmentally where they should be (or measuring big… which is another post for another day).  I love that Baby A was super active, propelling himself (or herself) across the sac, flipping over and sucking his thumb.  I love that Baby B was chill – stretching out, waving his arms over his head and relaxing.  I hope these sweet babies keep growing and thriving – we are looking forward to meeting them in person in less than 6 months!

Changes 2 & 3…

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Are also known affectionately as Baby A and Baby B!

Yes, that’s right, the K-Fam will be doubling in March with the introduction of twins to the mix!  We are obviously very excited and very nervous.  We are 12 weeks along today, which seems miraculous to both of us.

While we are elated at where we are at, we are also very mindful of the long, hard road we traveled.  I am acutely aware that while it seemed like an eternity (18 months+), it was a far shorter experience than what many people I know have endured.  Life is a fragile, delicate thing.  The creation and continuation of it is in the hands of a creator far greater than ourselves.  Why some people struggle and why others don’t, is something that I cannot begin to fathom or explain.

Why it was now, why it was us, why we’re having twins – I really don’t know.  I am glad, of course, but still aching for all of the couples that are longing to bring home their baby from the hospital.

Over the course of my twenties, I’ve heard nearly every miraculous pregnancy story and practically every tragic fertility experience.  I have had friends and families lose babies late in pregnancies and I’ve had friends and family that seem to have no problem getting and staying pregnant.

Fertility was a major struggle for us.  We’ve experienced other struggles in our 7 year marriage, but this was the biggest.  Infertility caused us to pause and wonder about the legacy that we are leaving behind – biologically and otherwise.  It made me think about the people that have come before us – the giants whose shoulders we stand on, as my father in law would say – and wonder at the future generations that might not ever exist to look back at us.

I think about that a lot because we truly live in a culture that is so self-focused.  I am intrigued by the generations before us who thought of us, knowing they would never meet us, but were so driven by the determination to make the world better for a future time that they would never experience.  I wanted to influence future generations – provide another building block to the foundation.

I struggled a lot with the ideas of God having a plan and “everything happening for a reason.”  In the midst of such heartache and sadness, it seemed unfathomable that such trite-sounding concepts could be true. I did not doubt God’s ability or greatness, but I wondered a lot at why this was such a hard road and why He seemed to be so silent so often.  And maybe I just have to be content with the idea that this is the road He gave us and this is the road we had to go down to become the people we are supposed to be.

I look at these two little miracles and am amazed that they even exist.  I am hopeful that this is just the beginning of a new great chapter in our lives.  A difficult chapter I am sure.  A chapter that does not involve a lot of sleep.  A chapter that does involve a lot of crying… from all of us…  Many people have reminded us that it will be hard, but many more have reminded us that it will also be worth it.

So yes, big changes in store for the K-Fam!

meet rosie, al and luis

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Rosie, Al & Luis: The Family-To-Be!

My dear friend Rosie is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.  She has been my companion on this unfortunate road of fertility treatments.  Her husband, Al, is one of the most dedicated husbands I’ve ever met – it is his delight to just be with his wife.  They are a couple that we simply marvel at and are encouraged by.

In their quest to become more than a family of two, they’ve suffered the loss of two babies, Katie and Daniel, in the second trimester of Rosie’s pregnancies. With other on-going fertility challenges, Rosie and Al had been considering fostering children. It has been their hearts desire to have a family and God answered their prayers!

Al’s older sister had abandoned two of her children with Al’s mother.  Struggling to find the energy to raise her grandchildren, Al’s mother asked Rosie and Al if they would be able to take the youngest, Luis.  Sweet Luis has not had an idyllic life: his mother tested positive for cocaine when Luis was born and he was even an innocent participant in a drug raid. Being shuffled between homes and parent-figures has taken a toll on the little guy.

After thinking and praying about this, Rosie and Al consulted a lawyer and determined that they would raise Luis and adopt him!  Luis is a vibrant, sweet little 3 year old guy and I truly believe that his life will be infinitely better because of Rosie and Al’s love.  It will be quite a beautiful family!

So here is my shameless plug: in order to get legal guardianship of Luis, they have to run ads in the newspapers and pay for a lawyer.  The cost is $1,500 and they are very humbly asking for assitance in achieving this goal so that they can provide Luis with a permanent, loving home.  If you are interested in helping out, please visit their blog. At the very least, they would greatly appreciate your prayers and thoughts.  THANK YOU!

with a cherry on top!

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Awww!  Ms. Runblondie at Meet me at the Corner of Peachtree & Peachtree recently gave me the Cherry on Top award!  Ms. Runblondie is one of my favorite blogs to read and I check in often to see where she’s running, how her delightful family is doing and see some of her interesting recipes/meal ideas.  Since she’s also married to a pilot, it’s nice to have someone who understands what it’s like to have a husband who is in and out of town frequently and works in a crazy industry.  Thanks for the award, Runblondie!

And on to the important business of answering a few important questions:

#1 Answer this question: If you could go back and change one thing in your life, would you, and what would it be?

Gosh, I feel like it’s pulling on a thread and then unraveling the whole sweater.  If I changed something, I would likely be a different person now – and I’m pretty okay with the person I am… so… I guess I choose to not change anything 🙂

#2 Pick 6 other people to pass this award to, and then let them know that they’re winners.

  1. Vicky @ this that and then some
  2. Heidi @ slightly cosmopolitan
  3. High Flyer @ Marriage with Altitude
  4. Leah @ Life According to Leah
  5. Jackie @ The Mighty Pillow
  6. Dusty @ The Randomness of Dusty Takle

#3 Thank the person that gave you the award. (see above…)

lazy blogger

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I’ve been a lazy blogger lately.

I really want to write about lots of interesting things – I really do.  I even think about things to blog about – as I’m falling asleep.

But then I fall asleep.

It’s what I do.

Especially since the weather has cooled off and it’s perfect sleep-with-the-windows-open weather.

Note to self: make sure to prop all of the doors open so that they don’t slam shut in the middle of the night, causing me to completely hyperventilate and Frank to wonder if the neighbors are shooting each other up.

Oh, and have I mentioned my love affair with the mini blizzard?

Love it.

I’m done now.

on being pete campbell

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For those of you who are not Mad Men fanatics, this will take a bit of ‘splainin’.  Pete Campbell is an Account Executive/Partner at Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Price – a fictional 1960’s ad agency.  If you’ve watched all of the seasons of Mad Men, Pete’s slimy ways have probably made you feel uncomfortable or dirty at least once – possibly twice – an episode for the past four seasons.

Here’s the thing about Pete: Pete knows what he wants and he goes after it.  He doesn’t always take a path that you or I would prefer – he sometimes turns to manipulation or blackmail – but everything he does is because he wants to be The Ad Man.  The other thing to know about Pete is that he is an account executive (basically a client schmoozer) who fancies himself as a creative.  He is NOT a creative.

That all being said, here are my thoughts on Pete:

On Trying Too Hard: Pete wants to be an Ad Man. Desperately.  He “acquires” all of the things that he thinks he needs to portray the image (wife, apartment downtown, etc), he reads all of the “right” books, he does all of the networking.  But at the end of the day, he often just comes across as trying too hard.  It’s awkward to watch and difficult to like.  It conjures up at least a half dozen memories of stupid things I’ve done or witnessed other people doing.  I think about my first presentations when I worked in advertising or remember terrible sales pitches someone delivered to me.  I shudder at the memories. And I watch Pete and think, “Am I trying too hard? Am I making myself into a person I wish I could be or am I becoming a person that I am meant to be?”

On Taking Shortcuts: Pete regularly tries to find shortcuts, but his shortcuts always come at a much-too-high cost.  Sometimes it’s his own integrity that takes a hit, and sometimes he even jeopardizes family relationships for the sake of authenticating his place in the ad world.  I’m all for taking risks, but the things he’s willing to risk sometimes seem too great considering what he is hoping to accomplish.  How often do I sacrifice a long-term item for a short-term goal?  What are my trade-offs?

On Being Authentic: Pete says a lot of crap to get what he wants and hides a lot of things he does.  There are a lot of things Pete sweeps under the rug, including affairs and a baby with another woman.  Watching his character operate, the amount of baggage he’s carrying around is almost palpable.  It’s like he’s teetering, on the verge of falling over under the baggage’s oppressive weight.  And yet, if you asked him, he’d probably ask, “Baggage?  What baggage?”