reflections

why I can't know God

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based only on my feelings about Him.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that they know God without reading the Bible. And you know, I am sure that there are people that really do walk with God without the benefit/availability of His Word. I do not dispute that.

But I do think that there is some major error in only knowing God through your own eyes and experiences.

Because this is the biggest thing I am going through right now, I want to put it in the context of fertility.

I want to be pregnant and I am not and it is not an easy road. The journey to pregnancy may be over after this month, or it may continue on. But as a human, I know that 1) I wanted to be pregnant months (well, actually, years) ago and 2) I am not, at the moment pregnant nor a mom. Yet, all around me there are women getting pregnant with multiple babies without any difficulty. If I were to describe God based on this experience, I would only think of Him as being unfair with a wicked sense of humor.

But because I have the benefit of His word and my brothers & sisters in Christ, they help give me a more complete picture of who God is. I know of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible who God promised would begin a great lineage of nations, with descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. And at first, it did not work out according to THEIR plan, but ultimately, it did work out according to GOD’S plan. When it worked out according to God’s plan, God blessed them AND He was glorified in it.

The blessing of God’s word also describes a just AND merciful God who knew that there was nothing I could do to be worthy of His love, but loved me all the same and sent His son to die for m. I think often of what a tremendous tragedy it would be if Jesus just died and was never risen. I think of how sad and full of despair the disciples must have been that Friday – wondering why God would do this to them and take away their leader.

But they only knew sadness and despair on Friday because their knowledge was limited (Paul says, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”) and they didn’t know entirely what God had planned (even though Jesus was giving them all of the information they needed in His teachings). And how much greater was God’s plan that what they ever could have imagined?

In my limited knowledge of God, based on my limited experience and understanding of Him, I could very quickly determine that God was not a God for me because He allowed others to have children, but not me (on my timing). By doing that, I would also quickly forget the abundance of blessings and grace that He poured out over my life so far (a wonderful family, a fantastic husband, a rewarding/challenging career, lovely friends, the gift of being born in a country where I can be free to speak and pray) and in my selfish short-sidedness, I would try to reduce God to an impotent, uncaring, unloving, cruel God.

But when I spend time learning about God in the Bible and in community with other believers, I am reminded of the enduring character of God’s love. I am reminded of all the prayers that He answered that I simply turned around on and said, “I deserved that anyway.” I am reminded that His vision and plan is much larger and still more intricate than anything I could ever wrap my brain around.

Because I know how my brain works, I know that I couldn’t know God without knowing the stories of the Bible. I know I too quickly forget the good times when faced with the bad. I know I too quickly feel entitled to receive the blessings that He’s given me. I too quickly fall deep into myself.

i should…

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talk about the fact that this clomid biz is totally messing with me. I should tell you (whomever *you* may be) that I cannot wait to take my last clomid tomorrow and be DONE. I am really hoping this is my last (and only) round.

But instead, I’d like to vent on a totally different, unrelated topic.

In the secular world, relativism abounds. Truly intelligent, open-minded people (in the secular world) embrace this relativism and are praised for their open-mindedness and tolerance. But when these people say open-minded and tolerant the definition they use generally requires one to be accepting of all things and dismissive of none. Or, even more specifically, if you are in disagreement with your friend, for example, you are not open-minded OR tolerant – and are therefore narrowminded and irrational.

I prefer to think of open-mindedness to mean that I am able and willing to hear all sides of an argument or a story and then draw from these arguments and stories a reasonable and rational conclusion. I think of tolerance as not condoning all behaviors, but rather loving people regardless of their behaviors.

***

I also have a difficult time with happiness in this world. I realize that’s why the question of happiness vs. joy was so much on my heart for so long.

I asked a lot of people to explain the difference between happiness and joy. It wasn’t the definition that differentiated groups of people – it was their relationship with happiness and joy that made each group so vastly different.

One group pursued the ideal of happiness with reckless abandon. Whatever it takes for you to be personally happy, that is what you should pursue. At all costs. If you lose your marriage – screw it – you’re happy, right? If you lose your health to drinking, drugs, or smoking – who cares – you’ll die happy, right? For this group of people, it didn’t matter who or what they stepped over – large or small – as long as the endgame of happiness was attained. Happiness for this group was a consumable. We have happiness tanks, they reasoned, when they are low, figure out what will fill it back up. And maybe this group doesn’t recklessly pursue happiness exactly how I outlined it above, but when faced with a decision where one side benefits themselves and the other benefits someone else, they will usually choose themselves. Even in subtle decisions about movies, dinner, drinks, etc. Watch your friends and tell me this isn’t true.

And then there was this other group. Men and women alike. And if you were to look at this group, you would see a marked difference in their faces and countenances compared to the first group. This second group replied that joy was something that you have in all situations – good, bad, indifferent. They find joy within themselves. Do they sometimes make bad decisions? Are they sometimes unhappy? Sure. And I wonder – where does this group’s joy come from? What about group one makes them pursue happiness at all costs while the second group lives joyfully?

Halfway

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Well, it’s June. We are now halfway through the year.

I was thinking about how a year ago, I was gearing up for major changes and I wasn’t sure how God was going to see us through it all – but He did.

So here we are again, facing a lot of obstacles and waiting for God to bring us through this as well.

God has seen us through so much. He has provided for us when we didn’t know what was next, He graciously taught us when it seemed like we were never going to learn and He kept us close when it seemed like He was so far. I know all of that because I lived it, yet, when faced with new challenges, I wonder “Is God going to see us through this? How will He do it?”

Of course He will see us through this and does it matter HOW He does it?

FK

Frank is coming home tomorrow. That makes me happy. 🙂

[not] doing great

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I have had a rough week. I think I am hanging on to too much and have been on the verge of tears every day. I have so over-loaded myself that I haven’t been very positive. And now along with being sad, I am also angry.

FK talked to me a lot about being more positive. Starting with small, good things that are going on. But I feel so hopeless that I am having a hard time pulling myself out of it. And I feel like a failure that I am not more positive. I feel the weight of Frank’s disappointment in me for not being more positive. And my family’s disappointment. And then I spiral. I lump all of this disappointment in me for my lack of positivity in the face of a lot of crap, right on top of all of my other failures (too emotional, too insensitive, not available, not nice, too nice, too serious, not an attentive wife/friend/sister).

I want to go to God with this – all of the things on my heart and mind, but as I told my dear friend Dorothy, I am scared that God’s response is “You need to do this, too.” I don’t want to DO anything else. I don’t want another thing about myself to fix. I am so tired! And I have a horrible feeling that I will look back on this time of my life and think, “Well, that was nothing! That was easy!”

And I guess the other part of it is that I have recently been challenged in how I think of God. I don’t think I ever really thought of God being a benevolent father-type who set up a trust fund and doesn’t want me to ever have to lift a finger. I have had to re-examine what it means to believe that God is sovereign and Lord of my life. I have had to re-examine what it means to fear the Lord. To respectfully fear the Lord – not to be afraid. So I don’t even know how to take this to Him. Before, I had a kinder (easier) -incorrect – vision of God. Maybe it was wrong – I’m not sure yet. But Frank was telling me on the phone that I needed to discipline myself and work on changing my attitude. He is right. He is totally right. But it just felt like another thing to put on my to-do list. The list that never seems to end.

Regardless of how I think about God, I know that I have to lay all of these concerns down at His feet.

I can’t change a lot of things right now without losing things that are important. I can’t distance myself from my family because I know that there is work to be done there – that my family is a mission field in a lot of ways still. I have to fight the good fight and have the difficult conversations – this is part of discipline. If I walk away, I will be giving up ground. Important ground.

My job is my mission field right now, too. Even though it is difficult, what needs to change is not my job at the moment, but my attitude about it. And my approach to it.

This fertility issue. I need to change my perspective about it. I need to find peace in this waiting time. I need to enjoy my husband when he is around and enjoy my time alone when he is gone.

I need to address that I am angry on the inside. Angry can sometimes be good when it motivates people to do the right thing. And angry can sometimes be bad when it bends and breaks you. This time, I think it is bad. I think that this is because my soul is mis-aligned. Normal, Christian souls are probably supposed to walk vertical and upright ::pointing to fake x-ray of a soul’s spine::, so all souls point to the glory of God. But because I’ve been carrying around the weight of all of these other things – my soul is bent, sort of like an “S” and is pointing in all sorts of directions.

I am sure that this re-alignment can be accomplished by spending more time reading the Bible and being with God. It’s so simple, but it is so difficult! And it requires discipline. It is my only option.

Thank you, God, for being so gracious and kind as to see me through these times. Thank you, Father, for my husband, my family and my friends – all of whome are so precious to me. Thank you, Lord, for providing for me before I even know what I need. Thank you, dear Friend, for holding me even when I am throwing a temper tantrum.

1Peter: 3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.6In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

Q1 Review + April

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We are now in the fifth month of the year and I thought that there was appropriate distance between us and the first three months of the year.

So what happened in January, February and March?

Snow. That was pretty annoying. I did not enjoy shoveling, and fortunately Frank was so kind as to shovel most of the time.

We also received confirmation that Frank was invited to go back to AirTran with the rest of the 200 pilots who had a long, unpaid vacation starting in September of last year. To say that Frank was giddy about going back would be an understatement! He couldn’t get started studying and retraining fast enough.

We had just started trying to get pregnant and I was noticing some significant physiological changes, but not sure what to do about them.

My company laid off four of the thirteen people working at our office. That was a sad day at work – and not just for the people leaving. We were said to see our coworkers go, and then overwhelmed at the thought of what we were going to have to accomplish without them. It hasn’t necessarily gotten better, either.

Frank’s mom and Julia had their birthdays in January. Frank and I both got wicked colds right after that, but I had to work through it because we were in the midst of major budget revisions at work. Mr. Obama was sworn into office and has been trying desperately to change things in the country – but I am realizing that I don’t think that what he’s doing is going to work and the long-term implications might be scarier than our short term cash issues as a country. How much more money can we possibly owe to China??

In April we drove Frank down to Atlanta. I was stranded down there as a result of some flight cancellations. Frank passed all of his tests and was home more in April than I expected, which was wonderful.

So here we are in May. I think things are improving for the K’s. Yes, we have this fertility thing to take care of, but at least we have a plan. If only my body would cooperate 🙂

Q1 Grade: B+ (yes, held on to our jobs and are employed, but health needs improvement)
April Grade: A- (FK’s job rocks and we are working on our health)

Why?

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So, today Frank and I discovered, through the magic of facebook, that one of his friends from church is separated from his wife and dating a former coworker. This guy has a few small children. The separation from his wife doesn’t seem to match up with the timing of some photos of this guy and new girl (read: the pictures are dated prior to the married couples’ separation). Of course, FK and I don’t know all the details. I don’t know why the wife filed for divorce or what the circumstances are surrounding their separation. Who knows? Maybe the wife had an affair first and left the guy for someone else.

But really, I just wonder why. Why do people choose to call it quits after several years of marriage and a few kids? Why does it get so hard? What is the point of no return? Was it a series of small things building up to the divorce? Because I met the guy and his (ex)wife at our church several times. They were a smiling, beautiful couple. The guy was on the verge of a temporary lay-off and he spoke confidently about getting through it. It all seemed ok on the surface, even though they were facing some tough financial times.

It makes me wonder why so that maybe I can look at my marriage and pinpoint these issues. If I see where someone else made a bad left turn, perhaps, I’ll turn right there instead. But then there is the truly scary question: what if it didn’t matter where the left or right turn was? What if the other person just decides the trip isn’t worth it and bugs out? What if an unforeseen series of events, out of my control, causes FK to choose to stop loving me? What if people can get themselves into a marriage on a series of poor decisions and then one day decide that the whole marriage from the get-go was doomed – and then walk away. “I was too young,” “We didn’t know what we were doing,” “I didn’t know myself then,” etc.

And that really makes me ask the question: what is love anyway? Sure, it is a choice. Is it a choice out of responsibility because of previous decisions? Is it a choice based on the future? Is it a choice based on now?

We make decisions in life based on the limited amount of information we have. We are limited in this information because of our own perspectives, curiousities, fears, hopes and dreams. Sure, hindesite is 20/20. There are things I would do differently about my wedding five years after the fact, but I am really blessed that the groom is not on that short list. I choose to love FK based on what I know about him, what I hope about him, what I believe about him and instinct. He makes it easy to love him, most of the time.

FK and I have truly been through a lot in the past two years. The past year in particular has been quite trying on both of us. And I don’t doubt our marriage. But sometimes, when I hear of these divorces, I wonder – why?

plastic jesus

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I remember when they put the plastic Jesus in the church down the street from our house. They had to open the roof of the sanctuary in order to get Him in and for years after, you could see the lighter cedar shingles contrasting against the dark gray cedar shingles, indicating where the surgery had been done.

I remember thinking, “A plastic Jesus?” For me, at that time, Jesus was marble. The blue veins of the stone coursed through his pale, white, immovable body. He was mounted on the wall over the alter, much the same as I would later see deer mounted in homes in Wisconsin. A prize. (And I would say that Wisconsiners would likely view their deer with the same amount of reverence – which party is wrong depends on whether or not you are from Wisconsin.) The Jesus I knew was frozen in a horrific pose, stretched out on a cross, perpetually dying.

Plastic bounces. It falls on ceramic tile floors and then it bounces. And it’s not really plastic in the sense of a coke bottle plastic. It’s Acrylic. But even so, the idea of a plastic Jesus seems to lack the humanity of a marble Jesus. When I finally saw the famed Plastic Jesus, He reached down to me from the ceiling in the center of the sanctuary where He was suspended, blessing me or clasping me, and looking through me with His plastic eyes.

I remember thinking that it was about the plastic Jesus versus the marble Jesus back then. And now, I believe, it’s not about plastic versus marble at all. Because Jesus was flesh and He was hope and He was real. He was not carved out of the vision of man, but out of God’s light and word. And since the time when Jesus walked this earth in flesh, I spent my time recreating Him out of natural and synthetic materials. I left him on the cross, continually crucified and hung him over my head, always reaching, but never touching.

And sometimes still, He is on that cross or suspended by invisible rope from a cathedral ceiling. Sometimes He is in a church down the street and not where I am. But He is not a trophy for this world to be stuffed and mounted on a wall. He didn’t leave his body behind because I was not meant to worship a corpse, I was meant to worship a real, living, eternal God. Even when I pretend that He is elsewhere, He is still here.

quick step

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For all the things in my life that I am slow at – getting out of the car, for one – there are many other ways in which I devour life.

I eat quickly. I drink and taste, but I do not savor. I would be a terrible chef or sommelier. I must confess that I am a scanner – I read books quickly because I am looking only for the important information. I love to check things off, move on to the next thing, check check check check CHECK. What is the heck is that?? Why am I like that?

This thought occurred to me several times tonight in a short period of time. And I think that God gave me Frank as a husband because he is so good at just enjoying where he is. He is a savorer. And that is a blessing.