i should…

talk about the fact that this clomid biz is totally messing with me. I should tell you (whomever *you* may be) that I cannot wait to take my last clomid tomorrow and be DONE. I am really hoping this is my last (and only) round.

But instead, I’d like to vent on a totally different, unrelated topic.

In the secular world, relativism abounds. Truly intelligent, open-minded people (in the secular world) embrace this relativism and are praised for their open-mindedness and tolerance. But when these people say open-minded and tolerant the definition they use generally requires one to be accepting of all things and dismissive of none. Or, even more specifically, if you are in disagreement with your friend, for example, you are not open-minded OR tolerant – and are therefore narrowminded and irrational.

I prefer to think of open-mindedness to mean that I am able and willing to hear all sides of an argument or a story and then draw from these arguments and stories a reasonable and rational conclusion. I think of tolerance as not condoning all behaviors, but rather loving people regardless of their behaviors.


I also have a difficult time with happiness in this world. I realize that’s why the question of happiness vs. joy was so much on my heart for so long.

I asked a lot of people to explain the difference between happiness and joy. It wasn’t the definition that differentiated groups of people – it was their relationship with happiness and joy that made each group so vastly different.

One group pursued the ideal of happiness with reckless abandon. Whatever it takes for you to be personally happy, that is what you should pursue. At all costs. If you lose your marriage – screw it – you’re happy, right? If you lose your health to drinking, drugs, or smoking – who cares – you’ll die happy, right? For this group of people, it didn’t matter who or what they stepped over – large or small – as long as the endgame of happiness was attained. Happiness for this group was a consumable. We have happiness tanks, they reasoned, when they are low, figure out what will fill it back up. And maybe this group doesn’t recklessly pursue happiness exactly how I outlined it above, but when faced with a decision where one side benefits themselves and the other benefits someone else, they will usually choose themselves. Even in subtle decisions about movies, dinner, drinks, etc. Watch your friends and tell me this isn’t true.

And then there was this other group. Men and women alike. And if you were to look at this group, you would see a marked difference in their faces and countenances compared to the first group. This second group replied that joy was something that you have in all situations – good, bad, indifferent. They find joy within themselves. Do they sometimes make bad decisions? Are they sometimes unhappy? Sure. And I wonder – where does this group’s joy come from? What about group one makes them pursue happiness at all costs while the second group lives joyfully?

2 thoughts on “i should…

  1. Clomid makes me c.r.a.z.y. I took it 5-6 times – I wasn't crazy every time, but the last time was the worst. The crazy seems to ramp up again mid-cycle and then during pms. Don't be surprised if it does, and do something nice and pampering. It helps. Hope it works!

  2. Thanks, Heidi! It got better with time. The last two days weren't too, too bad. Congrats on your successful procedure, by the way!

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