children

100 joys (54-57)

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I’m such a joy-slacker.  I totally thought I’d have more time to document joys today, but instead took a 3 hour nap… Which, really, probably counts as a joy… I just don’t have a picture of it!

joy #54:

Big time joy today – it’s the first game we’ve gone to this season where the Hawks brought in a W!  We were both very happy with the final score of 4-1 over the Predators.  I would’ve been happier if there had been a really good fight on the ice.  You know, the kind where gloves come off and the players hold each other up while beating each other senseless (because if you go down, the refs can break it up).  Even if the ice girls (wannabe figure skaters who shovel excess ice shavings during breaks while wearing nearly nothing) decided to rumble, that would’ve counted.  Oh well.  There’s always next year!

Go Hawks!

joys #55 & 56:

Meghan and Mark.  Mark and Meghan.  They are both truly joys for us.  We both love hanging out with them and having “drinky-poos” (although, my “drinky-poos” have been non-existent for the past 6 months or so…).  They are a fabulous couple and are getting married in March 2011.  Frank and I are honored to be a part of their bridal party and we hope that the babies do not decide to make an appearance AT their wedding.  Some things (water breaking, woman in labor) are not really meant to be a part of a wedding album…

joy #57:

Yeah, so my hubz is one of my biggest joys most of the time – it sort of goes without saying.  He’s just awesome!  Today we did our K-fam tradition of having a nice dinner downtown and seeing a Hawks game (GO HAWKS!).  We went to Carnivale for dinner beforehand and really enjoyed ourselves.  We talked a lot about how the twins will be here in only three months… maybe less… I think it’s really sinking in!

100 joys (47-49)

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I only have time for a few quick joys before I get my booty to bed.  Someone (me) was a bit of a hot mess after over-doing it this weekend (um… girlfriend needs her naps and didn’t get ANY!):

joy #47:

The young lad on the right is my brother, Andy.  Andy, as I have mentioned previously, is awesome.  Because he is awesome, he could not settle for a roommate that did not live up to his awesomeness expectations.  It’s a good thing he found Ben (gentleman on the left) to share a bachelor pad with because Ben is also awesome.  Ben willingly attends various family-centric events, and even seems to enjoy himself.  And Ben reads my blog.  Which is more than he can say about Andy’s blog.  I guess when you live it once, you don’t need to re-read it.  Thanks for being awesome, Ben.

 

joy #48:

Our twins are now 24 weeks along!  They each gained about 4 oz last week and are now over a foot-long each.  (“$5… $5… $5 Foot Loooong!” ahem.  Thank you, Subway, for ruining “foot-long” for me…).  So yeah, 14 weeks to go.  Or, said another way, 3 months remaining.  Do you hear that, self?  You have 3 months to get your life together!  Let’s get on this.

 

joy #49:

Oh, Kardashian sisters – why are you so entertaining??  For some reason I get some weird joy out of watching them interact… perhaps because some of their antics remind me of my own sisters…

You know, without having to completely expose our lives on TV.  But, that’s not to say we wouldn’t consider a TV deal.  I’m just saying.

 

100 joys (37-46)

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I have lots of joys to share from this weekend, so without any further ado (and in no particular order):

joy #37:

Tea!  I went with my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law and niece to a wonderful tea at the Drake.  It was really a lot of fun!  I always enjoy going to tea there and it is such a treat.

joy #38:

Before anyone gets worried that I’m outside ice skating in my “condition”, I would like to first say, I am NOT ice-skating.  However, work hosted a free ice-skating event this weekend and it went great!  It was a lot of fun to see all the kids out ice-skating and throwing their bodies around the ice like weapons.  So many kids went down HARD on the ice, but after looking around with dazed looks on their faces, most of them got back up and kept skating.

joys #39-44:

Some of my favorite joys stopped by the ice-skating event to say hello. Since I don’t want to short-change anyone, I figured I’d make them all joys.  Here they are (in no particular order, lest I hear about it later):

Joy 39: Sarah – my baby sister – is always a little bundle of joy.  She’s the smallest of us kids, but she makes up for it in the amount of energy and noise she can generate.  She’s a doll!

Joy 40: My cousin Meghan is a genius.  No, seriously, she is.  Sometimes I think I can get a contact-smart off of her if I sit by her long enough.  She scored a perfect on her ACT in 2nd grade.  Ok, maybe it was 3rd grade.  Whatevs.  Meghan rocks and she flew in from DC to be here.  For Christmas.  It just worked out that she also came to the ice-skating event.

Joy 41: My amazing sister Caitlin.  She rocks.  She’s taller than me, which makes me happy.  She’s also the only one of my family members who will read this and think, “Really?  Why THIS picture of me??”  Hey, it’s my joys.  This picture is from our awesome vacation to Marco Island in 2009.  Happy times, indeed!  She came out to our ice-skating adventure as well because she’s fabulous.

Joys 42 & 43: Frank (the taller fella and my dear husband) and Andy (the smaller fella and my brother).  I picked this picture from our wedding because, well, I can.  So there.  Frank and Andy are really long lost brothers.  Both of them have had to deal with two older sisters growing up (although Andy had the added bonus of a younger sister, too).  Both of them are easy-going, smart, funny and charming gentlemen.  They both made the trip out to the ice-skating event and, as usual, made me smile.  Way to go, guys!

Joy 44: My cousin Dave.  Also a genius (like his previously-mentioned sister Meghan), Dave is studying to be a lawyer.  Dave made the trip out to see our fun winter festivities.  Dave is awesome.  Dave, thanks for being awesome.  Oh, and Dave?  We need to work on a few legal matters.  You give a hefty discount for family, right??

joy #45:


I’m not entirely sure what is going on in my uterus, but whatever it is, it sure involves a lot of kicking, punching and flopping – and I love it!  It’s great to feel the babies moving around.  I can actually see them moving, too.  This morning while I was still sleeping, Frank put his hand on my belly and Baby B was kicking him.  Such a sweet joy!

joy #46:

It’s official – we have fewer than 100 days until we meet our babies!  Tomorrow (12/20/10), the babies will be 24 weeks along and will be considered “viable” with a 90% survival rate (with medical intervention, of course).  Hurrah!  Way to go, babies!  Praise God!

the things I just don’t forget

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Since we are having twins, our doctor wanted us to do the birth classes at our hospital early.  So at just 22 weeks, we are in a four week birth class at our hospital.

Our hospital is a large, sprawling campus.  It is the hospital that I was born at, that my great-grandmother (and namesake) died at, where they took my dad when he had his stroke, where one of my close friend’s mom passed away and where we went for the D & C when we lost Lily earlier this year.  There are so many entrances to this hospital and they are constantly expanding the hospital and building new wings and towers.  It’s easy to go there and not enter in the same doors twice.

On our second night in class, Frank and I ventured around the south side of the campus to see the new maternity wing.  Our adventure took us past the blue awning of the “Day Surgery” center.  The same blue awning that I came out of after our D & C.  Frank and I both looked at this awning at the same time.  I could hear the air going out of both of our chests as we looked at that sad, sad spot.  It was like walking past a grave for us.

I don’t remember what we said to each other, but it was just a gentle acknowledgement of that door.  That time in our lives when our hearts were both simultaneously broken.

If Lily had been a healthy little baby, she would’ve been born in late September, likely.  We would be getting her ready for her first Christmas.  I’d be going back to work in January after my maternity leave.

But Lily was not a healthy little baby.  Frank and I have discussed this – not extensively – but in brief conversations about her since March.  Things just seemed to be going so slow with her.  The doctors were always pushing the due dates back – she always measured small.  In a family where we’ve always measured well past the bell curve, this seemed strange – foreign – to us. She was a fighter, though – and she tried really hard.  But in the end, she just couldn’t do it.  And that’s ok.  It’s hard for us to have to wait so long to meet her, but we have peace that she’s with God in heaven.

All we have from losing Lily are a few early ultrasound pictures and a doily they gave us after the D & C to help us remember her by.  I put all of these items in a folder and I put them in a filing cabinet in the basement.  I’ve looked at that doily and the pictures since then, but only quickly and only to put them in a new location.

But driving by the blue awning of the “Day Surgery” center was a fresh reminder for us of the sweet baby we lost.  And in some ways, of the struggles we went through over 18 months in order to get pregnant.

I don’t take anything about this miraculous twin pregnancy for granted.  Sometimes I feel like I’m in an out-of-body experience – I see myself looking at baby furniture or picking out a nursery theme – and I can’t believe that it’s me.  I can’t believe it because in the either-or experience – either I’m pregnant or I’m not, either the baby is healthy or it’s not, either I’m ovulating or I’m not – I’ve been on the “or not” side with great frequency.  I have not had the experience of easily getting and staying pregnant.  I have not had the sense that “of course I am pregnant, why wouldn’t I be?”  Instead, I feel very frequently how delicate life is.

I read a blog called Moosh in Indy. Casey, the blog author, struggled with infertility for FIVE years.  She battled serious depression and tried a lot of medical procedures to resolve her infertility.

And then one day… she was pregnant.  Of course, there was so much rejoicing and so much happiness, but as she writes so poignantly about infertility in this blog post – “I can never forget where I came from that got me to this point.”

I also cannot forget all of my friends who are still waiting, hoping and praying to start or expand their family.  The notion that because we are pregnant, we can then forget the heartache of losing Lily and struggling with infertility is entirely wrong.

Life is precious.

To all of my friends who are struggling with various forms of loss and infertility, my prayers are constantly with you.  I have not forgotten.

the bump (22 weeks)

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A unique thing happened to me today while sitting at the doctor’s office.  I felt Baby A moving, so I put my hand on my belly and then was surprised to see Baby A kick so hard that my hand moved!  Then later, at a meeting, one of my coworkers asked me “What is going on with your stomach today??” Wild and crazy kiddos!

the bump (19 weeks)

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OK, it’s taken me a while to post a belly picture, but more because I’ve been busy with other things (the usual culprits: work, the holidays, sleeping…).  This picture is already out of date, but I figured it would be good to give some context.  The below picture is from 19 weeks:

17 weeks

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What’s new with the babies: The babies are now about 5 inches long and their skeletal structures are hardening from a soft cartilage into bone.  I think that I’ve felt them both move, but I can’t be 100% sure.  The books and the websites all say that you should feel the babies move between 16 and 20 weeks, but I have to say that I’ve known quite a few moms that did not feel the babies move until they were past 20 weeks.

I had an appointment with my CNM last week Thursday.  They finished my NT scan blood work data (checking for trisomy 18, Downs Syndrome, etc) and checked for the heartbeats with a fetal doppler.  Baby A (I think it’s a girl) was moving so much that she had a hard time tracking “her” down, but we did find it.  Baby A’s heartrate came in at 162 bpm.  Baby B (perhaps a boy?) is much more chill and the CNM found “his” heartbeat right away (150 bpm).

How I feel: Still feeling tired, but it’s manageable.  We went out for dinner last Friday with friends and I had chorizo and experienced my first case of HORRIFIC heartburn.  Like, epically bad.  I will not relay to you the subsequent events of the evening – just know that it was not pretty.  I am definitely showing at this point, but maternity shirts are still (as expected) quite baggy on me.

Other thoughts: We are in the early stages of trying to figure out what to register for and what we are going to need.  I look at the list and research a few things, then put it away and watch TV.  So yeah, it’s going to take us a while to figure it all out…. But that’s ok, we still have 21 weeks to go!

15 weeks

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Today we are 15 weeks pregnant!  Only 23 more weeks to go 🙂  Our doctor expects us to deliver by 38 weeks since we are having twins.

What’s new with the babies: According to weekly development charts, our babies are bout 4 inches long (head to rump) and they can sense light, even though their eyelids are currently fused shut.  I don’t feel them moving yet, but in the next few weeks, I might start feeling them moving around.

How I feel: Exhausted!  I was doing alright for a while, but I hit a wall.  Between working full time and occasionally having before work or after work meetings, I think it finally caught up with me.  I spent Saturday night trying to stay awake until FK came home.  Since I went to church Saturday night, we slept in this morning.  I could barely keep my eyes open Sunday afternoon, so we took a nap at 2:30 and FK woke me up at 5 p.m., worried that I wouldn’t be able to go to bed tonight.  I am still VERY tired, so I don’t think I’ll have any problems!

I am also starting to show a little bit and I’ll be sure to post pictures soon.  It’s not so much “wow, there’s a baby” as it is “hmm… have you put on some weight?” but I guess I have to start somewhere!

Other thoughts: Aside from the mono-like exhaustion over the weekend, Frank and I are getting more and more excited about the pregnancy!  I go in next week for a 16 week check up and I am looking forward to hearing their heartbeats.  Part of me is a little bit anxious to wait so long since our last appointment (about 4 weeks) and I will be relieved when we can get confirmation that everything is okay next week.

when to say when

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Knowing when to say “when” is not my strong suit.  Ask my husband.

I am the queen of bad timing and timing misjudgments.

My timing issues tend to center around my inability to leave the office, but have also seeped into other areas, including when to leave a party, when to leave church, when to leave dinner, when to go to bed… etc, etc.

And when to let go in an argument.

I have to say I’m getting better at the last one.

Ask my younger sister Cait, she’ll tell you that I used to always try to get the last word in ALWAYS.  I’ve been like that since she’s known me.  Her first day home from the hospital as an infant and she was like, “darn, girlfriend, have a bottle and CHILL!”

When should I let go of the fertility biz?  When is enough truly enough?  How many shots, scans, opinions, tests and screenings can I handle?

This isn’t to say that I think we are at the end of our time in fertility treatment world.  I’m not ready to give up yet.  I know Frank isn’t ready to give up either.

But I know there is  a chance that a time might come where I might have to recognize that we fought the good fight and there is no more we can do or pray for, at least regarding having a biological child.

At the end of the day when I am beyond tired, that is usually when I decide to bake cookies, wrap Christmas gifts and wash the floor.  When I should rest, I find that I am too tired to sit still.

That is why I worry that God will give me all the cues that we cannot go any farther, and I will miss the cues because I am too tired to see them – too focused on searching for the solution, the next option and the next treatment to realize that the game is over and the crowd went home.

After reading a few blogs about women at varying stages of this process, with several of them undergoing treatment for three to five years, I just can’t even fathom what that is like to go through that emotional and physical marathon.

I am amazed by God’s tremendous grace and blessing.  God gave me a husband who is an expert at knowing when to say “when.”  Frank puts 100% into everything he does, but he knows when a situation is done.  He knows when the party is winding down, when the game is over and when it’s time to turn the lights out and go to bed.

So we’ll keep chugging along and I’m hopeful that if I miss God’s cues, Frank will see them.