Sometimes things just suck.
In big, big ways.
My appointment with my OB triggered big anger in me tonight.
The appointment itself was fine, but the perceived injustice of this situation just exploded in my brain.
I swore and cried and yelled at God the whole way home.
Fortunately it’s not a long drive.
And it’s ok to be angry, and even to be angry at God. He’s a big boy, and He can take it.
But at the end of all of my anger and frustration and fury at our situation, God quietly and calmly reminded me that I am His child.
I’m a little less angry.
That’s not to say that I’m not going to have bouts of anger about the situation.
But God can handle this.
I don’t know what else there is to say about the BFN today. I was hoping that some elegant words would come to mind, but most of the words that have come to mind have been less than elegant.
Mostly the words are born out of frustration and anger. Oh, and a ton of sadness.
This month was more difficult than most. It marked a full year of trying. Yes, I totally understand that most people try for a year before they think something is wrong and get checked out. We were just fortunate (or unfortunate?) enough that it was evident that we had a problem on our hands four months in to trying.
For the past eight months I have been on and off of Clomid. I have been stuck and poked and prodded countless numbers of times. I am pretty sure I could give myself an ultrasound if the technician were to accidentally pass out.
This is not how I imagined how this process would go.
I know that I am blessed beyond comprehension in so many ways. I remind myself of that daily when I get sad or upset about this situation.
But this situation just sucks.