Twins

100 joys

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One of my favorite Bloggers, Slightly Cosmopolitan, started working on 100 Joys which she found out about from Sarah Markley’s blog.  My friend Allison also saw a similar idea and is inviting our small group to participate via email.  It’s such a wonderful idea, I thought I would participate both on my blog and via email.

So here we go…

Joy #1

This little gold ornament was hand-decorated by my sweet husband when he was a little boy.  This ornament has hung on countless trees in his parents’ home when he was growing up and now hangs on our Christmas tree.  It’s hard to read in the picture, but the ornament just says “Frank” in glitter. It makes me smile!

 

Joy #2

The newest ornament on our tree this year was a gift from a dear friend, Meg.  She found this ornament while shopping with her fiance and they couldn’t resist.  It is a happy reminder of things to come in 2011.

 

Joy #3

Following in the theme of ornaments, this one is from one of my dear friends Erin.  She gave this to me when we were in college and somehow, between moving home, getting married and moving 4 times, we’ve managed to hang on to this ornament.  It makes my heart happy because not only does it remind me of Erin, but it also reminds me of all of the wonderful friends that I have made throughout the years!

 

Joy #4

What may not be clear in the above picture is that I am showing off my elastic waistband.  Elastic is one of my smaller, but still important, joys of the season.  I simply do not know what I would do without elastic considering my expanding waistline.  I love you, elastic!

 

Joy #5

We love the Chicago Blackhawks.  Love them.  Frank has been going to see them since he was a young boy.  We’ve been seeing the Hawks together for 8 years.  We’ve seen good years, bad years and awesome years.  We are not just-on-the-band-wagon fans, but rather long-term, committed fans.  I love seeing the Hawks play – win or lose.  I especially like it when the gloves come off and there is a great fight… especially when both players are trying to hold each other up while punching each other (cuz if they go horizontal, the fight is over…).  Nice.

 

Joy #6

There was a fantastic speaker at church a few months ago who talked about peace not being the absence of conflict, but rather, wholeness with God. I loved this concept and this season of the year reminds me of this all the time.  We live in a fallen world where there will always be conflict of one variety or another.  But we can have peace.  That gives me great joy!

 

Joy #7

Fundraisers where the kiddos sell cookie dough.  Talk about saving some time!  If that isn’t joy, I don’t know what is!

 

… Too be continued…

the things I just don’t forget

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Since we are having twins, our doctor wanted us to do the birth classes at our hospital early.  So at just 22 weeks, we are in a four week birth class at our hospital.

Our hospital is a large, sprawling campus.  It is the hospital that I was born at, that my great-grandmother (and namesake) died at, where they took my dad when he had his stroke, where one of my close friend’s mom passed away and where we went for the D & C when we lost Lily earlier this year.  There are so many entrances to this hospital and they are constantly expanding the hospital and building new wings and towers.  It’s easy to go there and not enter in the same doors twice.

On our second night in class, Frank and I ventured around the south side of the campus to see the new maternity wing.  Our adventure took us past the blue awning of the “Day Surgery” center.  The same blue awning that I came out of after our D & C.  Frank and I both looked at this awning at the same time.  I could hear the air going out of both of our chests as we looked at that sad, sad spot.  It was like walking past a grave for us.

I don’t remember what we said to each other, but it was just a gentle acknowledgement of that door.  That time in our lives when our hearts were both simultaneously broken.

If Lily had been a healthy little baby, she would’ve been born in late September, likely.  We would be getting her ready for her first Christmas.  I’d be going back to work in January after my maternity leave.

But Lily was not a healthy little baby.  Frank and I have discussed this – not extensively – but in brief conversations about her since March.  Things just seemed to be going so slow with her.  The doctors were always pushing the due dates back – she always measured small.  In a family where we’ve always measured well past the bell curve, this seemed strange – foreign – to us. She was a fighter, though – and she tried really hard.  But in the end, she just couldn’t do it.  And that’s ok.  It’s hard for us to have to wait so long to meet her, but we have peace that she’s with God in heaven.

All we have from losing Lily are a few early ultrasound pictures and a doily they gave us after the D & C to help us remember her by.  I put all of these items in a folder and I put them in a filing cabinet in the basement.  I’ve looked at that doily and the pictures since then, but only quickly and only to put them in a new location.

But driving by the blue awning of the “Day Surgery” center was a fresh reminder for us of the sweet baby we lost.  And in some ways, of the struggles we went through over 18 months in order to get pregnant.

I don’t take anything about this miraculous twin pregnancy for granted.  Sometimes I feel like I’m in an out-of-body experience – I see myself looking at baby furniture or picking out a nursery theme – and I can’t believe that it’s me.  I can’t believe it because in the either-or experience – either I’m pregnant or I’m not, either the baby is healthy or it’s not, either I’m ovulating or I’m not – I’ve been on the “or not” side with great frequency.  I have not had the experience of easily getting and staying pregnant.  I have not had the sense that “of course I am pregnant, why wouldn’t I be?”  Instead, I feel very frequently how delicate life is.

I read a blog called Moosh in Indy. Casey, the blog author, struggled with infertility for FIVE years.  She battled serious depression and tried a lot of medical procedures to resolve her infertility.

And then one day… she was pregnant.  Of course, there was so much rejoicing and so much happiness, but as she writes so poignantly about infertility in this blog post – “I can never forget where I came from that got me to this point.”

I also cannot forget all of my friends who are still waiting, hoping and praying to start or expand their family.  The notion that because we are pregnant, we can then forget the heartache of losing Lily and struggling with infertility is entirely wrong.

Life is precious.

To all of my friends who are struggling with various forms of loss and infertility, my prayers are constantly with you.  I have not forgotten.

the bump (22 weeks)

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A unique thing happened to me today while sitting at the doctor’s office.  I felt Baby A moving, so I put my hand on my belly and then was surprised to see Baby A kick so hard that my hand moved!  Then later, at a meeting, one of my coworkers asked me “What is going on with your stomach today??” Wild and crazy kiddos!

22 weeks

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I was a little preoccupied with the holidays and work, and just realized that I hadn’t done a babies update in almost three weeks.  Woops!

What’s new with the babies: We had our anatomy ultrasound last week on Tuesday.  Just before the ultrasound, I almost decided to find out what we were having – but then Frank told me how excited he was about being surprised and how much he was looking forward to introducing the babies to me, and my heart just melted.  How could I say no to such a heartfelt request to keep it a surprise for both of us??  The babies looked great on the ultrasound.  Baby A is head-down, weighs in at 1 lb and had a healthy heart rate of about 149.  Baby B is breach and was VERY active that day.  Since Baby B is breach, his feet are next to Baby A’s  head.  During the ultrasound of Baby A’s head, we kept seeing Baby B’s feet jabbing into the picture.  Poor Baby A!  Good thing there is a nice membrane separating the two of them.  Baby B measured at 1 lb 1 oz and with a heart rate of 152.  All of the checks they do for the screening looked great, too!

The babies are getting more and more active.  I feel them moving around pretty regularly.  Times of day haven’t been super consistent for movement, but there are definitely times that the two of them go to town!

How I feel: I feel great!  I am tired, but managing to keep my napping to a minimum.  It is hard to work full-time and not come home at night and go to sleep at 7:30 p.m.  Fortunately, even though I am tired, I am also stubborn and determined to stay awake!  I am definitely showing (a  22 week picture will be posted tomorrow) now.  I also think the babies have shifted and moved further north, giving me a touch of indigestion.  I am sure that will only get more interesting as the pregnancy continues.

Other thoughts: I am super prone to stretch marks.  Like, epically prone to them.  I have them everywhere, just from growing quickly and being heavier when I was younger.  With that in mind, I embarked on a daily routine of using Vitamin E oil and the Mary Kay Toning Lotion during this pregnancy.  The Vitamin E is great at repairing injuries (ie. healing scars, etc) and is a major component of a lot of the Mary Kay products that I use.  The second item I use, the MK lotion, has Vitamin E, but is also meant to increase skin elasticity and reduce cellulite.  The result?  I am 22 weeks and measuring at about 27-28 weeks (thanks to the twins), and I haven’t had a single new stretch mark so far!  I’ve actually even seen an improvement in the ones that I already had!  This is HUGE for me considering how prone I am to the ugly red stretch marks!!

the bump (19 weeks)

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OK, it’s taken me a while to post a belly picture, but more because I’ve been busy with other things (the usual culprits: work, the holidays, sleeping…).  This picture is already out of date, but I figured it would be good to give some context.  The below picture is from 19 weeks:

three things: thanksgiving

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Frank and I are so blessed and this Thanksgiving I wanted to spend some time reflecting on three big blessings

Thing 1: Family

My family – immediate and extended – is such a huge blessing.  My family is a collection of vibrant, fun, interesting people with very distinct personalities.  This means that life is always interesting!  Even between Frank and I, we are both very different people, but we really enjoy each other greatly.  We are both so excited to add two new little personalities to our family!  I can’t wait to see the little people they are and how they fit into our already personality-filled family 🙂

 

Thing 2: Friends

Frank and I have been so fortunate to have wonderful friends.  We have friends that are close by in geographic proximity and we have friends all around the country, but thanks to technology, we never seem to be far apart.

 

Thing 3: The Tough Stuff

For the past few years, I’ve realized how grateful I am for the difficult times.  Even though it’s rough, I’ve noticed that my faith is strengthened, my marriage grows and my friends become closer as we go through challenges.  I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes about how I’m feeling, so having this blog as an outlet as well as close friends to talk to about the things we’ve experienced has made it all the easier.  But without the difficult times, I wouldn’t appreciate the good times as much, either.

19 weeks – halfway there!

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Since twins are not generally allowed to go past 38 weeks, the 19 week point is technically halfway to our due date (March 28th, 2011)!  This is both very exciting and very surreal.  It feels like time has flown since we found out that we were pregnant until now, and with the holidays coming up, I know time will continue to fly by and the twins will be here before we know it.  This means that we have to really consider all the details about the babies’ room, what we need, etc.  And there are so many options!  It’s overwhelming!

What’s new with the babies: According to our friends at Babycenter.com, our babies are quickly developing their senses and may even be able to hear our voices!  The development calendars indicate that we should be feeling the babies move around now, which we have felt them move a few times, but nothing consistently.  The babies are each the size of a large heirloom tomato.

How I feel: I am still feeling pretty good.  I am starting to show (will post a belly picture later) and have gained a little bit of weight.  I am still tired a lot, taking naps when I can.  I manage to make it through the week without napping at work, but the weekends are ALL about sleep.  The tiredness makes Fridays the hardest day of the week for me – I really want to do something fun, BUT I am SO tired, I’d really rather eat some soup and go to bed.  I am enjoying as much sleep as possible now because I hear from other parents that there is not much sleep to be had later on.

Other thoughts: Sometimes it is very hard for me to emotionally and mentally grasp that I am pregnant, much less with twins.  There is a part of me that is still wondering, “is this really happening??”   I think I have normal fears that most expectant moms have, but sometimes I know that I am “spiraling” into a bad round of thoughts and probably need to take a nap.

Also, I found out that there was a set of twins born weighing a combined 27 lbs.  Yes, that’s right – a 14 lb and 13 lb baby.  So, it appears we have a new goal to pursue here.  I think that if we can hit the 20 lb mark, that will probably still be pretty news-worthy around here.  What do you all think??

17 weeks

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What’s new with the babies: The babies are now about 5 inches long and their skeletal structures are hardening from a soft cartilage into bone.  I think that I’ve felt them both move, but I can’t be 100% sure.  The books and the websites all say that you should feel the babies move between 16 and 20 weeks, but I have to say that I’ve known quite a few moms that did not feel the babies move until they were past 20 weeks.

I had an appointment with my CNM last week Thursday.  They finished my NT scan blood work data (checking for trisomy 18, Downs Syndrome, etc) and checked for the heartbeats with a fetal doppler.  Baby A (I think it’s a girl) was moving so much that she had a hard time tracking “her” down, but we did find it.  Baby A’s heartrate came in at 162 bpm.  Baby B (perhaps a boy?) is much more chill and the CNM found “his” heartbeat right away (150 bpm).

How I feel: Still feeling tired, but it’s manageable.  We went out for dinner last Friday with friends and I had chorizo and experienced my first case of HORRIFIC heartburn.  Like, epically bad.  I will not relay to you the subsequent events of the evening – just know that it was not pretty.  I am definitely showing at this point, but maternity shirts are still (as expected) quite baggy on me.

Other thoughts: We are in the early stages of trying to figure out what to register for and what we are going to need.  I look at the list and research a few things, then put it away and watch TV.  So yeah, it’s going to take us a while to figure it all out…. But that’s ok, we still have 21 weeks to go!

beautiful things

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This morning at church they played a song by Gungor called “Beautiful Things”.  The lyrics were really simple, but really poignant:

All this pain / I wonder if I’ll even find my way / I wonder if my life could really change at all / All this earth / Could all that is lost ever be found / Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things / You make beautiful things out of us

Even though we are pregnant now, I still think a lot about our struggles with fertility. I think about how tested I felt and how alone, even in the midst of knowing quite a few people going through the same things.  I think about how often I wondered why we were going through this challenge.

A lot of the time, I think about how I could’ve done it better.

Maybe I could’ve been more positive and more optimistic.  Maybe I could’ve made it easier for the people around me by not talking about it or by talking about it more or by talking about it more positively.  Maybe I could’ve put on an attitude that was happier and more joyful, even when I was hurting.

And I kind of wonder what would’ve been accomplished.

It’s been occurring to me more and more the importance of reaching outward in difficult times and of being honest about where I am at, even if that location is not exactly lovely.  Glossing over feelings and putting up a front of being happy and in control is great if my goal is to make people feel like I have my crap together.  But it doesn’t do anything to draw people in, to connect with others or build community.  Of course, I believe there is a time and a place for being emotionally honest (ahem, losing it at work is not an option).

And then I think of Frank.

Frank loves to help people do projects around their homes.  He’s really good at helping, too.  He is much more coordinated than I am, so he is definitely more of an asset than a liability in pretty much any home improvement project.  He is smart, but he is not someone who thinks he has all the answers – which means he’s willing to problem solve and take direction.

Whenever he’s been asked to help with something and he’s not flying, he willingly and joyfully obliges.

And the thing about when he helps people is that it builds community.  He gets to know the other guys he’s working with and they usually feel like they are closer friends for having done the work.  I would argue that it is more effective for guys to build relationships working alongside each other than it is to go on a double date with their wives/girlfriends.

It’s just how guys are.

But imagine if no one asked him to help?  If everyone could just do it on their own?

I have a friend Rose, who you’ve read about here on my blog.  She and I have struggled with starting a family for some time.  She’s probably one of the sweetest girls I know.  And I doubt we’d be as good of friends as we are if we had not struggled through this fertility stuff together.  If she had said, “yeah, everything is WONDERFUL for me” and I’d lied and said the same thing, we’d probably never know each other as well as we do.

We share in the struggles together.  We cheer each other onward.  We rejoice and we grieve together.

I would also suggest that sometimes it’s the small things that bring us together.  Yes, the holidays are a great time for families to come together, but I also think that casual Tuesday night dinners and birthday dinners and celebrations of day-to-day things also brings us all closer.

So I don’t think I did the fertility stuff perfectly.  I didn’t keep myself together in a perfect little package of happiness.  But I don’t regret the struggle.

The song at church today reminded me that God uses all of this life we live to make beautiful things.  Out of the dust of our sadness and pain, God has grown friendships, strengthened our marriage and rooted us more deeply in our faith.  Our God is a faithful God, no matter the circumstance.