Life

the stories our lives tell

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

Donald Miller spoke at church Sunday. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, since unlike most of the world and my husband, I had not read Blue Like Jazz.

The thing is, and perhaps I hadn’t admitted this to even myself, I hadn’t expected to hear from God on Sunday. From the loss we experienced this week, I was still feeling a little alone and a lot sad. I didn’t think that God would speak to me. That he could speak to me.

The first thing that Donald Miller said was that basically God has a general purpose for us – that we would know Him and share His love – and that God helps us figure out our giftings and talents, but that if we are choosing between a becoming a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher, that is pretty much our own decision.  It takes a lot of the “rightness” and “wrongness” out of the way that I sometimes look at those decisions. I am free to be me and to figure out who I am.  That was pretty cool (although, kind of a “duh” moment too).

Donald Miller spoke about stories and how our lives tell a story. That all stories are essentially about a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

He said that what we want tells our story.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Luke 12:34)

If we want material things, that is what our life story is about.  Some people choose to make their stories about pursuing the next best car, the next best fashion, etc.

His sermon made me take a step back from our loss this week and think about it in the context of a larger story. And it made me wonder about the story that Frank and I are telling: what is that bigger thing that we are constantly moving towards and wanting?

Where is our story going?

All along, one of the greatest things for Frank and I is that we’ve just wanted eachother. Time together. Every week is the saga of making, finding and fighting for time together. The greatest feeling for both of us is falling asleep together.  That is why, when Frank is gone, I just don’t sleep as well.  I have to talk myself into going to sleep.

For us, having children was not just the next logical step in our marriage, but over the progression of our fertility treatments and related successes and disappointments, we realized that having children was truly an extension of our love for eachother.

I remember when we were dating Frank texted me after an early morning flight and said, “looking at the sky, I realize that my love for you is even bigger than that.”

To be able to say that almost 8 years later that our love is bigger than it was when we first fell in love sounds almost ridiculous – how could that be? I can’t even believe that it is possible, and yet it is.

And it is the biggest desire of both of our hearts that this story that we started together would continue. That future generations would be blessed by this big love that we have for one another.

That is what helps us move forward.

There have been little signs and big signs in the past week that life goes on.  Just this weekend, the sun came out and the world warmed – spring is just around the corner.  I’m not totally convinced we won’t have one last blast of snow, but the worst of the winter is behind us.

It will get warm again.  The sun will shine.  Frank and I will go on long walks.  I am going to start running again.  (seriously – once I get the green light from the doc… more on this later)

The point is, even though it felt like life stopped for a while, it continued on for the rest of the world.  That’s what happens.

On the day I had my D&C, I woke up from a nap and made a few work related phone calls.  Nothing major.  The people I talked with had no idea what had just happened that day.  I took care of what I needed to and then I snuggled up against my husband.   It’s ok that those people don’t know what was going on with the girl on the other end of the phone, but as I was having the conversations, I thought, “how many times have I spoken with someone whose heart was breaking while we were speaking – and yet, I had no idea.”

And there is strange comfort in knowing that life continues on, even when my heart is broken.  Life continuing is God’s way of reminding me of a few things: first, that I will be ok and second, to be tender with all of His creation because I don’t know what kind of day or week or month someone else has had.

But most importantly: our story is not over yet.

small steps to feeling better…

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So, as you can tell from my previous post, the recovery from the D&C hasn’t been all sunshine and roses.  There are a few *minor* side affects that are still working their way out of my system.

But in an effort to return to normal, Frank and I took a few steps towards feeling more normal.

First, we left the house.  Not that I haven’t left the house, but I’ve really only left in order to go to work or the grocery store.  I haven’t gone out on social visits, really.  So, first step was to visit my parents and see my sister’s new townhouse.  It was really nice.  I think it helped that the sun was shining and it was over 40 degrees. (side note: there comes a time in every winter that I think, “it will NEVER again be above 40!” and then, miraculously, it is above 40 degrees).

Then we went to get my oil changed on my car.  I know I should be better about changing my oil. I know that.  But for some reason, I have a mental block when it comes to changing my oil.  So a few hundred miles over the limit and a few *ahem* weeks over the date limit, my oil is changed and dear George (the name for my car) is a happy camper.

After the Midas adventure, we went to check out cars.  Not because we are buying a car right now, but because I like to see new, shiny cars.  We sat in a few vehicles, looked at a few certified used ones on the lot and then did the next thing that came to mind: we took a nap!

My dear friend Allison brought over some delicious baked mostaccoli – YUM!  We also stopped by Frank’s friend Jeff’s house for a Loser Party.  Yes, that’s right, a Loser Party.  Everyone who came received a “loser” ribbon and a take home gift of Easy Mac and canned Spaghettio type food.  Yum.

Such a typical Saturday, yet I felt the best that I’ve felt in a week.  And that is awesome.  Praise God for great Saturdays!

when passing gas isn't funny

/ emmykay / 2 Comments

Well, on a lighter note, one of the side effects of this whole debacle is that I have some of the most painful gas I’ve ever had.  I am writing about it on my blog because Frank is at his limit of hearing about it.  And really, this isn’t even about passing gas, it’s about a huge amount of gas trapped in my body.  I look more pregnant right now than I did when I was pregnant.

And naturally, I kind of wonder – since it is all air, is it possible that even though I feel so bloated, I might have lost a few pounds??

….

No.  Zero.

Oh well, there goes that idea.

In other news, it is a sunny, brilliant day outside.  And it’s a Saturday.  And Frank is home.  So, “Yay!” for that!

life goes on

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

We’re going through one of those situations where life just stops for a while.

We were bumping along, a sunny, beautiful day (metaphorically of course- c’mon, it’s still bloody winter in IL), and then something horribly unexpected diverted us from our normal trajectory.

And unfortunately all that comes to mind are cliched sayings.

I wish something profound or amazing came to mind.

But now: just cliches.

This too shall pass.

Everything happens for a reason.

And maybe these cliches come to mind because they are true, or because they are comforting, or because they are both.

I was talking to my dad this morning and he was explaining to me a little bit about how he is grieving.  He said, “Emily, you remember that scene in Back to the Future* where the family members start to disappear from the picture because things weren’t changed in the past?”  “Yeah?” “That’s what it felt like to find out that you lost this baby.  Like someone who was supposed to be in our family suddenly was not. They were just erased from the picture.”

One week ago, our sweet baby stopped growing, but I had no idea.  I was still dreaming of what she would look like and what a hot summer pregnancy would be like and what it would be like to be in the delivery room with Frank holding our baby for the first time.

And now, just one week later, that whole reality has been altered.  In September none of that will happen.

It was all just so quickly erased and replaced with a new reality.

And we will be ok.  Slowly but surely, everything is coming back into focus and we are realizing that for this baby, this was the plan all along.

But man, I wish I had something profound to say about it.

*My dad raised us on sci-fi and time travel.  The first chapter book he read to me was The Time Machine by HG Wells.  It’s not surprising at all that Back to the Future came up as part of his analogy. 🙂

abundance.

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

Frank and I have been amazed by the response from our family, friends, coworkers and even total strangers to our loss.  In a time where we are experiencing such a loss and great sadness, our cup still runs over.

We’ve had countless people tell us they are praying for us.  People have opened up and shared their own experiences so that we would know that we are not alone and that we would be comforted.  Family and friends have offered to bring over dinner and just come and sit with us.

While we haven’t been able to take everyone up on all of their kind offers, mostly because sitting together and just watching bad TV (turns out FK may secretly like the show Greek, but you didn’t hear that here…) seems to be the most comforting thing we can do.  We have found that leaning on each other is just about the best thing that we can do right now.  But I am sure that we will come out of our little cocoon sooner or later.  I mean, we will eventually run out of milk…

So – thanks to everyone who has called, emailed and texted.  It means so much to us right now – more than you may ever know.

loss

/ emmykay / 16 Comments

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear

On January 22nd, 2010, Frank and I were blessed more abundantly than we could even fathom.  For the first time, we had a BFP: big freaking positive.

We couldn’t believe it.  We were in between fertility treatments.  This pregnancy was truly unexpected.

We had three ultrasounds, two that showed the perfect heartbeat of a sweet baby that we lovingly referred to as “Bean.”

Last night, after hours of unexplained cramping, an ultrasound technician was unable to locate the heartbeat of our sweet baby.

We are both crushed.

And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know you are near

As I sat in the ER with my dear friend Meghan, I kept wondering:  “Is this really happening?”

Frank was in Atlanta and caught the first flight he could catch home, arriving in the ER at 12:30 a.m.

We held eachother for a long time.

And I wondered where God was.

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

And even though Jesus couldn’t physically come sit with us, He was there.  He was there in the form of friends who dropped everything to sit with me for 5 1/2 hours in the Emergency Room.  A sweet friend who sat with me during the ultrasound.  He graciously helped Frank make it home last night, on the last flight out.

During church earlier yesterday morning, the worship team played the song whose lyrics are interspersed in this post.  It was a song that carried me during our fertility struggles.  And God lodged that song in my head and my heart yesterday, a lyrical security blanket that I fell asleep singing and woke up singing and can’t get out of my head.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare

Of course I wonder why this happens.  But this morning, while I was curled around Frank, wondering why 16 year olds who have no idea what they are doing have perfectly healthy babies, it occurred to me that this was all the life that this sweet baby was supposed to have.  God knew the number of days for this sweet baby before I even knew that I was carrying her (I’ve just always thought this baby was a girl).  This sweet baby only had a few weeks to live and I see it as a heartbreaking honor to have been able to be her Mom, even for just a short 9 1/2 weeks.  Of all the people who could have been chosen to give her a home and a soft place to live on this Earth, God chose Frank and me.

I took excellent care of us during these past 9 1/2 weeks.  I took all my vitamins and medication.  I didn’t drink my favorite beverage (Diet Coke) because I didn’t want the caffeine to negatively impact her. I gave this baby the best life I could possibly give her.

She wasn’t meant to be born.  I know that in my head, but my heart is still trying to make sense of it.  Something was probably wrong with her that would have made surviving outside of the uterus impossible.  But while she was here on this Earth, she was loved.  We talked to her, we dreamed of her, and we loved her, sight unseen.  She had a whole family that loved her and cared for her, even though they had never seen her.

And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

I don’t know why these things happen.

But maybe it doesn’t matter why.

These things just do happen.

Frank and I were meant to be her parents, even though it was just for a short time.  And even though this breaks our hearts more than anything ever has, we know that she is with our Savior in Heaven and that we can one day hope to meet her face-to-face.

not much to say

/ emmykay / 1 Comment

Well, I haven’t updated much.  I suppose there are many reasons.

In no particular order:

1. My computer battery is on life support.  I am afraid to move the computer from it’s current location.

2. The computer’s current location is in the basement.

3. I am a little lazy about going downstairs.

4.  Well, it’s just so out of the way, you know?

5. I’m all cozy upstairs, snuggling in a blanket and the computer is downstairs. And not just downstairs.  I have to walk through the game room and the laundry room and past the shelves full of all the stuff I need to go through (argh – guilt!) in order to get to the office.

6.  Once in the office, I often realize that the fountain needs water.  And then I get distracted by all of my Mary Kay product… such pretty colors! and smells!

7. With all the snow, I’ve been busy watching FK use the snow blower.

8.  I’m lazy and there’s nothing to report on so many fronts.  I worry that my blog will become a chronicle of me getting up, going to work and coming home and watching Ugly Betty.

9. And then I remember that Ugly Betty is on the verge of being canceled.

10.  Oh, and I”m very distracted by John Mayer’s terrible Playboy interview.  What was that all about?

Valentine’s Day is on Sunday.  I think that Valentine’s Day is as much about love as it is about true love.

I am fortunate enough to have found my soulmate at a young age.  And I’m even more fortunate that he still laughs at my lame jokes and weird facial expressions and noises.

I am also so blessed to have amazing family and friends that I love very much.

We are drowning in an abundance of love.

That’s pretty cool.

Did I mention that our basement might be haunted?

Yes, I think it is.  It is haunted by mountains of clothes to fold and paperwork to sort.  I guess that is reason 11 why I don’t like to come down to my computer and update my blog.

So yeah.  Happy Valentine’s Day!  I hope you get to spend the day with amazing, wonderful people that you love deeply.

Life is so sweet.

is nothing sacred?

/ emmykay / 4 Comments

I don’t have a dog.

I used to have a dog growing up, though.  Her name was Missy and she was a Keeshound (medium sized fluff ball with a curled up tail).  When I was younger I would take dear Missy for walks.

It was just me and her.  Walking along.  She really liked it.

Girl dogs do enjoy sniffing things, but they don’t have to sniff EVERYTHING.  That’s what’s great about walking a girl dog.

Those days of walking Missy were before the dawn of pocket-sized cell phones and PDAs with Tetris. (oh, Tetris, how I love you!)

In this golden age of face-to-face communication, we would just walk along in blissful silence unless we happened upon other people walking and enjoying the sunshine.  Missy was happy, I was happy.

I spent the time thinking about things, of course.  I’m not sure what my 13 year old brain was concerned with – perhaps I thought a lot about my next great pair of stirrup pants.  (thanks Mom!)  But the point is: I spent time with the dog, focused on doggie-type things and not rushing off to the next great thing.

Yesterday driving into work, there was a man who was barely walking his dog.  He was moving very slowly while his dog walked circles around him.  The guy was very focused on a cell phone conversation that he absolutely had to have RIGHT there.  And I thought, “For Pete’s sake – is nothing sacred any more?  Not even walking your dog?”

What’s more, yesterday was a windy, cold blustery day.  There have been times where I’ve called my husband while walking from the office to the car and he’s always said, “Where in the world are you? I can barely hear you – it’s like a wind tunnel!”  So this gentleman walking his dog, who couldn’t wait 15 minutes to have a phone conversation, probably wasn’t having a very intelligible phone conversation anyway.  What’s the point?

I see the cell phone taking precedence over lots of things, not just dog walking.  So many simple joys, like taking children to the park, are dominated by a need to talk to someone else, somewhere else, via cell phone.  Several times, during time spent with groups of friends or in meetings at work, people have spent a good 20 minutes making a phone call to talk to someone else.  You can’t send a clearer message to the person who took the time to be with you face-to-face than taking another call.  And I get the occasional important phone call.  And I get answering a call to tell the person that you are busy and if it’s not an emergency, telling them that you’ll call them back later.

I must confess, I do check my BlackBerry for messages.  I mostly do this when my husband is out of town and I am just checking to see if he sent me details about a trip or if he landed somewhere safely.  I know I need to put the Crackberry down, though.  I’m working on it.

I guess a goal that I have for myself this year (aside from working out more, eating less, blah blah blah) is to be more present where I am:  to take in the details of the world around me and to listen better to the people I am with and be more engaged in conversations in person.

And hey, if you want, I’ll walk your dog and pay attention to it.  I might even dig up an old pair of stirrup pants for the occasion…

soundtracks

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I married a music-phile.

Ask Frank about nearly any song from most genres (he’s a little shaky on the country music scene…) and he can likely give you the name of the album and the year it was released and when it hit its peak.

It’s pretty much amazing.

He plays a game at bars with friends where they all put a dollar in the center of the table and when the next song plays, the first person to correctly name the artist and song, slaps their hands on the pile of singles and wins it.

I would never play this game with him because I know better.

When Frank is home, music is playing in all of the rooms of the house.

He loves Dispatch and OAR and U2 and Smashing Pumpkins and Owl City.

He loves music that he can listen to sitting on a patio at a bar or restaurant, leaning back in his chair and enjoying a beer.

Because of Frank, music has become the soundtrack of our lives.

When we started dating in 2002, John Mayer songs bring me back to that post-college summer that we enjoyed together.

It was the summer that Frank worked 12-14 hour days and sent me sweet texts between shifts flying traffic observation.

It was the summer that we went for walks, saw Mike & Joe at several venues, and I burned a few dinners trying to impress him.

And there are songs that bring me back to the summer of our engagement in 2003 – a summer that alternately went by so quickly and so slowly.  If you look back at the summer of 2003, most of my posts were just marking time until our wedding.  I couldn’t wait to be married to Frank!   I think of OAR’s “Crazy Game of Poker” and Zwan’s “Honestly” when I think of that summer.

This past summer was a challenge for us, but was so sweet at the same time.

Frank was flying, I was at a job by the end of the summer that I loved, and we were both working on our running.  We would sit in the screened-in porch, eating dinner and watching the sun set over the field behind our house.  It was so blissful for us.

Frank introduced me to a song over the summer that makes me think of peaceful summer nights and God’s abundant grace.  I’ve been thinking about this song a lot lately – partly because I miss the summer and mostly because I have been reminded so much of all of the ways that God has blessed us – both big and small.

The song is by Dispatch and it’s called “The General.”

there was a decorated general with
a heart of gold, that likened him to
all the stories he told
of past battles, won and lost, and
legends of old a seasoned veteran in
his own time

on the battlefield, he gained
respectful fame with many medals
of bravery and stripes to his name
he grew a beard as soon as he could
to cover the scars on his face
and always urged his men on

but on the eve of a great battle
with the infantry in dream
the old general tossed in his sleep
And wrestled with its meaning
he awoke from the night
to tell what he had seen
and walked slowly out of his tent

all the men held tall with their
chests in the air, with the courage in
their blood and a fire in their stare
it was a gray morning and they all
wondered how they would fare
till the old general told them to go home

[CHORUS:]
He said:
I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting
I have seen their mothers
and I will no other
to follow me where I’m going

So,take a shower, shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living

Take a shower, shine your shoes
you got no time to lose
you are young men you must be living
go now you are forgiven