sufficiency.

–noun
1. the state or fact of being sufficient; adequacy.
2. a sufficient number or amount; enough.
3. adequate provision or supply, esp. of wealth.

While I was driving to my in-laws yesterday, this phrase crossed my thoughts: God’s grace is sufficient. I’ve heard that a lot in Christian circles.

But so many times, Christians say things – true things, but lofty things – and others (like me) nod, but sometimes I don’t really get it.

So I looked it up. What does sufficiency really mean?

God’s grace is enough. God’s grace is an adequate provision. It is wealth.

If that is the case (and it is), then it is all that I need.

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so much to think about.

I went to church this morning with my dear friends Toni, Rose and Al.  I love worshipping with them!

The message hit home in sooo many ways. SO. Many. Ways.

I don’t even know what to say about it.  I will have to think and then write.

::sigh::

I love when God works on my heart.  It hurts, but it is so good.

2.2 miles of therapy

I think running is therapy for me.

It’s me, proving to myself, that I can run.  I can make it each quarter mile further.

Each step is me not caving.

Each step reminds me of the verses in the Bible that say to rejoice in suffering and trials.

Each step reminds me that because I took one step, the next time it will be easier and faster and lighter.

People have said that you run against no one but yourself.

And that’s true.

But you also run for no one but yourself and because God gave us the ability to choose to run.

I run for me and to be closer to God.  Even if I say nothing and He says nothing, it’s sort of like an aligning of me with His Spirit.

I run as fast as I can mentally and physically and emotionally.

Tonight I started crying while I was running, but I kept going.  I ran through the tears and found a good pace and felt better.

I was crying because the thought occurred to me that the saddest and hardest part of what we are going through is the thought that if we don’t have children, who will tell future generations how much Frank and I loved eachother?  Who will tell future generations the great things that God has done in our lives?

And you know, I don’t have anything else to say about that.  It’s just sad.  And yeah, maybe we will have kids.   And maybe we won’t.  I think I’m just sad.

The cool thing about running is that sometimes it gets really hard.  Sometimes I think, “I just can’t go on, I’ll never make the next mile.”  And then, I push and I make it.  That gives me a lot of hope.

So maybe right now it’s hard and I’m just sad, but I will persevere.  And God’s Word says that perseverance builds character and character gives us hope.

In sadness I can have hope.  And that is awesome.

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comparisons

The other day I was driving along, thinking about our fertility situation.  And I realized  that the hardest part of the journey has been the comparisons.

Medical Comparisons – I often find myself thinking of friends I’ve known going through  infertility.  We talk and we compare notes and often I will say, “Hmm, I am worse off because I didn’t get that positive result on that hormone test like Betsy, but I am better off because I ovulated unlike Suzi.”

***

Situational Comparisons –Sometimes Frank and I will say, “Why is it that we can’t get pregnant but XYZ high school student got pregnant thinking about sex??”

***

Comparisons as Comfort –I have experienced this, and I have seen it in action.  It happens a lot when people miscarry – well-meaning friends say, “Well, I know a couple who lost their 2 year old.  At least you didn’t lose a real baby.”  To someone who is pregnant, that child is a real baby and they are experiencing real grief.

Even still, I found myself thinking the other day, “Well, at least it’s not like I’ve gotten pregnant and lost the baby.  I should feel better that at least I just haven’t been able to get pregnant.”  It didn’t make me feel better, by the way.  It still hurts.

***

Comparisons as Advice -Or others will try to make us feel better and say, “Our friends Lynn and Gary were in the same exact situation, but then they adopted/stopped trying/did something else, and it worked! And now they have 5 kids!”

***

I find myself experiencing, thinking or witnessing a lot of these comparisons. I was trying to turn my own attitude around the other day by telling myself, “It’s not like losing a child or a baby.”  But it didn’t help because I still felt loss –  losing the hope for a child or a baby that month.

Everyone has their own problems and issues.  Sure, having babies is difficult for us.  But there are so many other ways in which God has blessed us.  Others might say, “at least you have jobs”  — and they are right.  There are so many positive things going for us.  I rejoice to God in those things and I give thanks to God for those things.

Even though it is so tempting to compare myself and our situation to others, I have to fight it daily because there is no peace in the comparison.  How can there be?  I am not Suzi or Betsy or anyone else.  God has given Frank and I our path of life because He knows us more intimately and more profoundly than anyone else.  He knows how many hairs are on my head (and Frank’s too), He knows all the days of my life.  He knew what today would be like before I did.  In so many ways, He has graciously prepared this season of our life for us by putting people in our lives that have been down this road, have felt this heartache and have glorified God in the process.  What a kind and loving God He is!

Most of my closest friends “get” where I am at and are truly encouraging and comforting and amazing.  But on several occassions, I have had to bite my tongue and listen to people say things that they clearly haven’t thought through.  I find that I actually have a lot of compassion for those people .  It has to be hard to be in their shoes, looking at me and not knowing what to say.  I totally get that.  As someone who regularly sticks her foot in her mouth (and I have HUGE feet), I often say the wrong thing.  And going through this, I feel like I am more qualified to provide a few pieces of advice to anyone wondering what to say to someone like me.

Listen.  Really, really listen.  Grieve with your friend.  Ask questions.  The ability to not get pregnant is difficult and every month that we are not pregnant feels like a loss.  Only it’s not a visable hurt – it’s a quiet hurt.    Don’t cut your friend out of activities or events because children will be there.  Your friend(s) will politely decline if it’s too much for them or they have other plans.  At least give them the option.

And please, don’t tell them “at least you can adopt or foster.”  It’s such a personal decision and it is not a “fix” for not being able to have biological children.  Adoption is a fantastic route for starting or expanding a family, especially if you are at a place where your heart is open to it.  But you wouldn’t say to someone who lost their spouse, “Well, there are other fish in the sea.”

And hey, I totally know that 99.9% of people mean well.  If you see someone hurting, then you try to tell them things to help them feel better.   But sometimes part of healing is hurting.  And that is ok.

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updates for updates' sakes

Frank is going to be home again tonight – holy cow! I feel so fortunate that he has been home so much in the past week. Praise God!

I have a 2 mile run tonight – which right now feels like it’ll be a piece of cake (mmm… cake!) after doing almost 4 miles this weekend. As I notch up to further and further distances, I start really considering the 2 and 3 mile runs “easy” runs. And what a sense of accomplishment because I really struggled just to do the 2 mile runs initially.

I realize that these runs have been such a great metaphor for my life lately and what God has been teaching me. Little things – little steps – can be such major game changers. One two mile run is turning into several two mile runs, a few three mile runs and this week, a four mile run. And even though the first run was difficult and each increase in distance is a challenge, I see changes in my perspective and endurance already.

On the fertility front, I have had a burning in my abdomen that I initially attributed to some digestive issues, but now I am wondering if it is at all related to the trigger shot a week ago. It sort of went away for a little bit and came back last night and is now carrying on with a vengeance. We shall see what the Good Nurse L says.

thinkin' and runnin'

can sometimes be a bad, nay, dangerous for me. (See “Woops” post)

What I didn’t explain in that post back in 2007 was that I was thinking about a park I used to go to when I was little and next thing I knew – I was sailing through the air, quickly headed to the ground. Boom.

But have I learned my lesson about thinking and running? Nope. I do it with reckless abandon. Probably to the detriment of any running technique I might have.

So what was I thinking about today while I ran? Here’s how my run went:

Mile 1:
I don’t think I’m going to make it.
I am so tired.
It’s probably ridiculous that I am even trying to run since I am SO tired.
And it’s not like, normal tired.
It’s real tired.
Oh, a pear tree.
I wonder if fruit trees are hard wood or soft wood.
If they are hard wood, that would probably be good because they carry a lot of weight with the fruit.
But then again, soft wood would be a little more flexible and less brittle.
Bump.
Oh no, the hill.
(Not a real hill, just a very minor incline. I should be honest about it, I think.)
This is such a huge hill.
I might not make it up the hill.
Police officer in car.
I wonder if me running like this is a crime in progress.
Nope, he kept rolling by.
He? She? Hmm – definitely a he.
Oh my knee hurts. Well, this isn’t good.
I bet it’s my stride.
I bet my fatty thighs are causing my legs to be in an unnatural formation, thus putting undue stress on my knees.
Maybe I should get some shoe inserts.
Darn this hill.
Must. Focus.

and this goes on for 2 more miles.

One of the more serious topics that I reflected on was the sermon from church this morning. David Nasser, an Iranian refuge who became a Christian at 18 yrs old and has been a Pastor for probably over a decade, came to Willow to teach.

I love when we have guests. Not because I don’t enjoy Bill Hybels – he’s great – but because they offer such interesting and unique perspectives.

Towards the end of his story about his life (which was amazing and moving – I almost cried multiple times), he touched on a few things I found particularly interesting and well-said.

You cannot be good enough.
This is so true! Grace is not about living your life “good enough” to earn salvation. Grace is a gift and is free and is immense. I cannot hear this message enough.

It is more difficult to reach people who are living a “good” life than people with obvious sin patterns.
I think this is sooo true. Here’s an illustration of the point. We all know we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. That is what our bodies require to be functioning at a good level. People who do not have access to water, have poor water supplies or who have just run a marathon KNOW that they NEED water. They are thirsty.

But so many of us are dehydrated throughout the day without knowing we are. My doctor asks me all the time how much water I get, and for a long time, I wasn’t drinking much water. I mean, I wasn’t thirsty. Why should I drink? I just had 3 diet cokes – doesn’t that count? (No, says my doctor – it doesn’t.)

And I think that’s how it is sometimes spiritually. People in impovrished nations full of strife and discontent and war, are often MORE receptive to hearing about God’s grace than comfortable people. People in the first group are accutely aware of their hurt and don’t have anything to fill it with.

But that second group…

I am a person in a priveleged country with a priveleged life and I OFTEN choose to replace God with cheap (sorry to say, Diet Coke-ish) alternatives. Becaues I use these cheap alternatives, I don’t even realize how thirsty I am.

And that is how the father of lies works. He replaces good, fresh, clean fruits with Ding Dongs, calls it delicious food – and I eat it all up.

Sure I am full, but it is short-lived and I am even hungrier than I was before. So yeah – this sermon is totally working on my heart (and apparently my stomach).

Good stuff, Mr. Nasser. Thanks for sharing!

The Habitual View of Passing Satellites

FK and I are working on our 5 yr plan.

It is pretty clear to us that prayer will have to be a habit.

Habits sound boring and mundane.

Sometimes habits sound like obligations – or things you don’t really consider when you do them because, well, habits are second nature.

The very reason we make things habitual is because we will do those things that are habits first.

If I am in the habit of emotionally eating crappy food, when things get emotional I will…

eat.

So when I am trying to become healthy, I try to make eating healthy a habit.

Then when things get emotional I will…

not eat crap. Maybe I will just not eat.

What if I train myself to run when I am stressed? I did that before.

The results were miraculous.

But it takes 3 weeks to form a habit.

And 3 days to break it.

Dirty.

So back to prayer. It needs to be habitual.

If I always pray even during the easy times,

then when the big stuff comes down –

I will pray.

There are bad habits and good habits. But most habits sound impersonal. If FK told me I was a habit, I would be offended. Just a little.

I don’t think that God will be offended if I am obediently seeking Him.

I think He will be delighted.

And I will make better choices because my will will be aligned with His will.

Frank and I talked last night about watching a satellite “set.”

When he flies at night, he sees shooting stars and satellites and the milky way so clearly.

One night, he was flying and he saw a really bright object close by – it was a satellite.

The satellite was so high up that it was still reflecting the light from the sun. The sun was setting and eventually the satellite faded out.

“Hmm, I wonder if you will ever see a satellite rise?” I asked.

“Nah,” Frank replied, “It’s like shooting stars, you never see the shooting star start… you just see where it goes.”

But what if we had our eye on the satellite the whole time? What if we knew where it was? Then we could see it rise.

And maybe that’s how it is with God – if I am trained to look at the sky, not only will I see His hand where I have been, but I will see His hand directing where I will go.

Then I will know where I should go – and I will see the evidence of Him in my life.

Sweetness.

Hope

Considering how I have felt in the past day, I feel that the below verses really are speaking to me. While I am not feeling particularly hopeful that the outcome of what we are going through will be what I want, I know in my heart that the outcome of what we are going through will be what God wants for us. Paul says,

3Not only so, but wec]”>[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ” Romans 5:3-5

The good news, at the end of all of this I will have more character and hope, right?? Kind of like an old house and everyone loves the charm of old houses. (Except if you have to live in them, they are kind of high maintenance – right Frank?)

“Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds — his name is the LORD— and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”- Psalm 68:4-5

man plans…

and God knows better.

Thus was the theme for the entire weekend. But what is amazing is how God held both of us in His hands and kept us safe and provided before we even knew we needed provision. Here is how the weekend went:

FRIDAY.
I took a Summer Day on Friday. First things first, I zipped off to the doctor to have my follicles studied. I love my ultra sound technician. She is Egyptian and has the sweetest demeanor – very calm and pleasant. Unfortunately my follicles were too small to get the HCG shot (the shot basically causes my ovaries to eject the eggs). I was SO crushed because I had this grand plan that it would all work out just fine… and then it didn’t. I called Frank to update him and almost started crying. But then I realized that it probably worked out for the best because my next follicle study will be on Tuesday and Frank will be off of work. That helped cheer me up.

And it turns out I was extremely blessed that it worked out this way. More on this later.

So I went to get my hair cut (most of my hair cuts seem to coincide with disappointing doctor appointments – must be God looking out for me – “Well, that sucks, but here – feel better!”). I liked the guy who cut my hair and I think it turned out just fine. Then I headed down to Nordstroms in Oakbrook with Toni & Dorothy. I had my favorite salad, which also helped pick up my mood – but the real kick in the pants was the Diet Coke. De-Lish. Mmmm. Oh, and the new shoes on sale helped too. The day was looking pretty rosy.

I hurried down to Midway to catch the early flight and pick up Frank’s car so that we wouldn’t have to pick it up when Frank was scheduled to arrive at 10:30 pm. I stopped by Target and purchased some Crystal Light packets, water and Weight Watcher’s brownies. Again, feeling pretty sunny about life in general while I was eating brownies in the parking lot, watching the thunderstorm.

Ah, yes, the thunderstorm. See, sometimes I forget to put my aviation hat on. I love thunderstorms. I especially love when I am not caught walking outside in them. So I was playing Brick Breaker on my phone (dirty slut game – gr! I am addicted), drinking Cherry Pomegranite Crystal Light (amazing!) and eating Weight Watchers Brownies, just waiting for Frank to park his plane in ATL.

So at 9:30 pm Frank called to let me know that they had a ground stop (an official “No Go” from ATL airport). They would be in an hour late. Because of the storm. Dirty. Suddenly I didn’t like the storm so much.

I mosied on over to the Barnes and Noble thinking I might be able to kill a few minutes before the store closed at 10pm. The rain was coming down in sheets and I decided to just watch customers run to their cars, trying to dodge buckets of rain and getting completely sopping wet in the process. Remember, I’m the girl that thinks Bret Michaels falling is hilarious. The people who realized that resistence was futile were the best. They sort of waddled slowly to their cars because their jeans were stiff from the water. Ha.

At 10 pm, Frank called to say that the ground stop had been extended and his flight might even be canceled. Joke was on me because I didn’t have a key to his crash pad and would have to find a hotel.

At 10:30 I realized that I was getting increasingly cranky because I had only had Crystal Light and Weight Watchers Brownies since my salad at lunch. I spied with my little eye – a Wendy’s! After some mental negotiating, I determined that I could have, nay, deserved, a Single, regular fries and a Shot-oh-Frosty (Jr. Frosty for those of you who are not familiar). Apparently the rain makes Atlantans hungry because the line was several deep when I got to the drive thru. No matter – I had nothing but time.

Once I secured my dinner, I went back to Barnes and Noble. At this point the storm was starting to let up, but the lightening was still spectacular.

Now, let’s just talk about my dinner. I forgot that Wendy’s puts mayo on their Singles and while I was willing to take some liberties with ordering a hamburger and fries, I felt that it was going too far to have mayo with it. Using a fry, I scraped some mayo off, but after eating 2/3rds of the burger, I decided the burger wasn’t good enough to warrant such diet deviations. I started in on the fries, but they were soggy and metallic-tasting. I wish I could say I had a few fries and gave up the fight – but sadly – I held out hope that the next fry would be better than the last. Halfway through the fries I realized the futility of this thought process and gave up on the fries too. Instead of being mired in profound disappointment with one of my favorite QSR chains, I put all of my hope in my shot-oh-frosty – and I was NOT disappointed. Bliss and joy in a small cup with a large spoon. Happiness.

I felt MUCH better after I finished the shot-oh-frosty. Mmm.

Frank called and suggested I go to the cell phone lot at ATL and wait there. Tired of my current parking lot vista, I decided to take his suggestion.

Along my drive on Camp Creek Parkway (always a pleasure, especially in percipitous weather conditions), I realized that I had consumed about 40 oz of Crystal Light deliciousness and I needed to go. In sort of an epically bad way. The kind of bad where I actually wondered if there could be a positive outcome if my bladder actually ruptured. Every bump and stop was horrifically bad.

And that is why I was NOT happy when I got to the hourly parking lot (the cell phone lot was just a myth) and found that the folks at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport had decided to run a psychological experiment on Atlanta drivers. The lot was under construction and the traffic pattern had been radically modified, requiring drivers to cut across the exit path to continue to more parking and I found myself in a death loop traffic pattern: no freaking way out! I circled and circled and circled and finally drove around a gate and continued on to more parking.

Grabbing my book and some jeans (I was still in my traveling dress from that morning), I walked quickly into the airport (it was still wet and I was wearing my squishy flip flops that are not ideal for wet conditions. I figured if I fell, I’d probably pee myself and that was just something I didn’t feel like experiencing just then). I found a delightful restroom where I relieved my poor bladder and changed. Then I joined the rest of the tired, soaked Atlantans in the waiting area to read a book.

Frank’s plan FINALLY landed at 1 am. He texted me and told me he needed to find a gate. I told him to double park and let the passengers find their own way home. Good thing he’s the pilot and I’m not because he decided to wait for the gate.

At 1:15 am he told me he needed to check with operations to make sure he wasn’t needed. I waited at the top of the exit escalator, excited to finally see him after such a long wait. At 1:30 he texted and said he had bad news – they needed him to fly to Philadelphia. WTF!!!!!

Oh and did I mention that Delta was making announcements that said, “All of our affiliated hotels are out of rooms for the night.” Awesome. Did I mention that I didn’t have a key for his crashpad? Ok, good.

I texted him and asked him to bring me his keys for the crashpad. At 1:45ish, he came up the escalator, key in hand. I gave him a big hug and walked him partway back to security. Then I watched him walk the rest of the way down the long, white corridor to security. His long legs quickly put space between us and he was gone. I think the whole thing lasted about 90 seconds and I was alone in the airport again, holding the silver key to the crashpad. But I did not cry.

I went to the crashpad and parked the car. I lugged my bags to the do
or and met A, a flight attendant who lives at the house. I went upstairs and started to take off my shoes and get settled when Ashley knocked and let me know that I couldn’t park where I parked. Crap. So I went down and moved the car.

And then I realized that I left my phone on the seat of the car. So I went back out to the car and set off the car alarm. CRAP! But I did not cry.

I crawled into bed, slightly defeated, but very grateful that we were not missing the ovulation window. That would have put me over the edge.

At 4:15 am, Frank texted to say that he made it to Philadelphia and he would take the first flight he could take home. Ok. Good.

SATURDAY.
At 10 am, I called Frank to find out which flight he was going to be on. He let me know that crew scheduling required him to have more rest before he could get on a flight home since he would technically be on “duty.” AWESOME.

Next flight he could take home would get him in at… wait for it… 8:30pm.

I cried.

But I was determined that my trip would not be in vain. Now it was me versus Atlanta and even though I was down 1-0, I whipped out my annoying perseverance and decided that I was going to give Atlanta the a**-whooping that it needed.

I calmed down (this weekend was an exercise in self-discipline) and went for a long walk through the neighborhood near the crashpad. I felt better. I took a shower, made some lunch, watched some TV and read a book. My reserves were refilling. I talked to God for a while and thought about life and decided to leave the crashpad to get some gas. Filled up the tank, talked to my friend Erin and got impossibly lost (but not impossible for the GPS! you like that Atlanta? Even though your streets are curvey and nonsensical, you could not get that past me!) and then got found. I went to Barnes and Noble for a few hours and had a warm chocolate chip cookie (screw you, diet) and some Crystal Light (mmm). I wrote in my journal and started reading a book. Time flew by and I found that I appreciated the quiet time.

I headed back to the airport and called Frank. He let me know that again, his flight was delayed. I laughed out loud. You have to be freaking kidding me! So I went to McDonalds and had a snack wrap (grilled – healthy) and a light lemonade (love me some flavored water!). Frank let me know that there was no clear reason for this delay, but it was looking like 10:30pm. I told him to list me on the last flight out to Midway just in case and I’d call an audible from the airport.

Frank texted me to let me know that they were pushing from the gate and he was on his way – but they were 30 in line to take off.

I headed over to the airport and had to decide between daily and hourly parking. I optimistically chose hourly (and because I knew how to beat the traffic pattern in the parking lot, I did not let Atlanta win on that account) and dragged all of my stuff to the ticket counter.

The 11:25pm flight was booked to 137 of 137 available positions, but 10 people had not checked in and I was the only crazy person on standby. Great.

Frank texted me to let me know that they were turning back to the gate. Apparently someone was having some medical issues and they needed to let the passenger off of the plane. Seriously – are you kidding me??

He texted me and said that he was reviewing the events of the past 30 hours and was struggling not to laugh maniacally out loud.

ETA for arriving in ATL: 11:30pm.

I sat at the gate for the plane to Chicago and read my book (I finished two books on my trip – yay!). I debated and prayed about whether or not I should get on the flight. I told God, “If you don’t want me to go, then don’t have a seat for me on the plane.” I was trying to get God to make the decision for me, but I think in the end, either route was fine with God and He made me make the decision on my own. I was standing at the jetway, ticket in hand (there was a seat), but I was filled with dread. The idea that I would be taking off at the same time that Frank would be landing just broke my heart. I couldn’t do it.

I turned around and walked off the jetway and went back to the gate agent. I handed her my ticket and told her I changed my mind. She looked at me like I lost my mind and I don’t think she would ever understand.

My heart was light and I felt great walking away from the gate. Frank landed and I met him in the terminal. I was so happy to see him, but I could see the weariness on his face. We hugged and walked quickly towards ops. He still needed to check in and make sure that he wasn’t flying anywhere else. I prayed as I waited for him to come back up from ops.

Well, I had pulled the goalie, so to speak, and my last ditch effort worked! Frank was done for the night and I got a last minute goal in at the buzzer. TAKE THAT ATLANTA!

Hrmph.

Of course, as we headed into dreaded overtime with our battle against Atlanta, I was quickly sobered by the realization that I would have to catch the 8:25 am (EDT) flight out to Midway (since the 9:25am flight was oversold). That meant I had to be up at 6:15 am. By the time we returned to the crashpad, it was 12:30am. This did not give me a lot of time to sleep. But when I consider all of the times I went with less sleep for things that are a lower priority, just a few hours with Frank was well worth it.

SUNDAY.

I’m not going to lie: 6:15am HURT. I was in a fog. A giddy fog, but a fog nonetheless.

Frank dropped me off at the airport and I joined other foggy, tired passengers in line for security. Participating in the mandatory strip search extravaganza, I managed to not break an ankle juggling my bags and putting my shoes back on. The ride on the tram to the D concourse was uneventful. The flight was wide open and I had a row to myself.

Now, I will say this, the guy in front of me was either hung over or a girly man with major anxiety about flying. He was fidgeting a lot and his girlfriend was trying to soothe him. When I sit normally in my seat, my knees are EXACTLY to the seat in front of me. No room to move. (you can imagine how bad it is for Frank then) This gentleman didn’t push the seat back before take off, but he was pushing so hard on it, he was bumping my knees. I was annoyed. As soon as we acheived 10,000 feet, this guy put his seat back HARD into my knees. It actually hurt. I yelped and moved my knees and his caring girlfriend looked back and said, “Sorry.” And then she reclined her seat. Hrmph.

Because I had the row to myself, I was able to reposition myself so that I could stretch my legs out, but I was more annoyed in principle. I mean, c’mon, who just lays back in the seat so hard and so fast that I can’t even move out of the way? I wanted to brawl. And I would have brawled except for a few key factors: 1) I was non-revving and it would put Frank’s travel priveleges (and probably his job) in jeopardy and I figured that was a pretty uncool thing to do, 2) airlines and the FAA generally do not appreciate onboard brawls and 3) I’m not as scrappy of a fighter as I appear. I’m really more of a lover than a fighter.

Deciding against a bar-roomesque brawl, I opted for a snooze.

The thing about snoozing on planes is that you tend to wake with your mouth open and your ears popping. Today was no exception. Groggy, I deboarded the plane at Midway without incident. (Mr. Girly Man, I’ve got my eyes on you!) and hurried to catch the shuttle to the economy parking lot (ugh).

Home by 10ish, I checked my email, ate
some real breakfast and snoozed for an hour before I got ready for tea with the girls.

Our small group plus some additional girls went to tea in Long Grove at Seasons of Long Grove. It was delicious! I had the Mango Ceylon tea (what in the world is ceylon??) and some finger foods that were REALLY good. mmm. Then we toured Long Grove, stopping at the pre-requisite Long Grove Confectionary and the Apple House for some additional goodies. It was such a nice time! It was a nice time-out from my on-going battle with Atlanta.

While I was at tea, Frank texted and said he was called up for a trip to Houston. (Atlanta’s really playing a good offense, I have to admit) I hoped against all hope that it was an early trip to Houston, but alas, that would not align with how our weekend went. He was the last flight out of Houston back to Atlanta. That flight lands at 10:30. If anything happens, including (but not limited to) the skies opening up over Atlanta again, he will not make the 11:25 flight home. Regardless, he won’t technically be home until Monday.

I guess Atlanta wins in overtime on a technicality. Considering that Atlanta won in April, too (every flight on AirTran was booked from my desired departure date of Sunday through Tuesday because of weather related cancellations that corresponded with heavy spring break traffic), I am down in the series 2-0.

So, Atlanta, best of 7?

why I can't know God

based only on my feelings about Him.

I’ve heard a lot of people say that they know God without reading the Bible. And you know, I am sure that there are people that really do walk with God without the benefit/availability of His Word. I do not dispute that.

But I do think that there is some major error in only knowing God through your own eyes and experiences.

Because this is the biggest thing I am going through right now, I want to put it in the context of fertility.

I want to be pregnant and I am not and it is not an easy road. The journey to pregnancy may be over after this month, or it may continue on. But as a human, I know that 1) I wanted to be pregnant months (well, actually, years) ago and 2) I am not, at the moment pregnant nor a mom. Yet, all around me there are women getting pregnant with multiple babies without any difficulty. If I were to describe God based on this experience, I would only think of Him as being unfair with a wicked sense of humor.

But because I have the benefit of His word and my brothers & sisters in Christ, they help give me a more complete picture of who God is. I know of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible who God promised would begin a great lineage of nations, with descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. And at first, it did not work out according to THEIR plan, but ultimately, it did work out according to GOD’S plan. When it worked out according to God’s plan, God blessed them AND He was glorified in it.

The blessing of God’s word also describes a just AND merciful God who knew that there was nothing I could do to be worthy of His love, but loved me all the same and sent His son to die for m. I think often of what a tremendous tragedy it would be if Jesus just died and was never risen. I think of how sad and full of despair the disciples must have been that Friday – wondering why God would do this to them and take away their leader.

But they only knew sadness and despair on Friday because their knowledge was limited (Paul says, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”) and they didn’t know entirely what God had planned (even though Jesus was giving them all of the information they needed in His teachings). And how much greater was God’s plan that what they ever could have imagined?

In my limited knowledge of God, based on my limited experience and understanding of Him, I could very quickly determine that God was not a God for me because He allowed others to have children, but not me (on my timing). By doing that, I would also quickly forget the abundance of blessings and grace that He poured out over my life so far (a wonderful family, a fantastic husband, a rewarding/challenging career, lovely friends, the gift of being born in a country where I can be free to speak and pray) and in my selfish short-sidedness, I would try to reduce God to an impotent, uncaring, unloving, cruel God.

But when I spend time learning about God in the Bible and in community with other believers, I am reminded of the enduring character of God’s love. I am reminded of all the prayers that He answered that I simply turned around on and said, “I deserved that anyway.” I am reminded that His vision and plan is much larger and still more intricate than anything I could ever wrap my brain around.

Because I know how my brain works, I know that I couldn’t know God without knowing the stories of the Bible. I know I too quickly forget the good times when faced with the bad. I know I too quickly feel entitled to receive the blessings that He’s given me. I too quickly fall deep into myself.