So, for posterity’s sake, and so our children know how crazy their parents are, I am posting a copy of the baby sitting notes we left for my awesome brother Andy and his fantastic girlfriend Lauren.  This was from a few months ago.

I don’t believe any further introduction is warranted.  The note reads as follows:

Andy, Lauren – Your mission, which you’ve already chosen to accept, is to KEEP THESE BABIES ALIVE FOR 8 HOURS! Also, they will try to kill you as well. Try to avoid that. Make no mistake, these are pretty indestructible little monsters, but they’ll try their best to test their indestructability.

• 5:00-6:00 Play with them in their play–pen. They like to be tickled, play peek-a-boo, be bounced on a knee, and continue their nun-chuck training.
• 6:00 They’ll start getting pissy around this time. This means they’re hungry. First, change their diapers. Diaper training 101:

1. Remove outer garments.
2. Slide clean diaper under soiled diaper
3. Check for hidden explosives
4. Remove soiled diaper. Place out of reach of little monster.
5. Secure diaper at belly–button
6. Replace outer garments.

• It’s now time to feed the little “angels”. Their food is in the fridge. Bibs are on the chairs. It doesn’t matter who gets what, just so that it’s even. Throw it in the microwave for about 20 seconds so that it’s warm. When they’re done eating, give them a bottle. The bottles are put together and in the corner of the kitchen counter. Put 3 ounces of formula in each bottle. Then add 3 ounces of HOT water to the bottle. If they still seem hungry, give them some puffs that are on the counter (NOT the bourbon sitting next to the puffs – the bourbon is for you). These also placate them while you’re warming up the food.
• 6:30-6:50 These gremlins LOVE to barf. It’s how they mark their territory. They need to stay in their seats for 20 – 30 minutes after dinner to let things settle. There are two suction cup toys that you can stick on their trays.
• 7:00-7:45 Continue playing in the pen.
• 7:45 Change diapers (see above) and put on pjs and sleep sacks. Sit on the floor and read a few stories out of the kiddie bible we set out.
• 8:00 Lights out. Their vision is based on movement in both bright light and darkness, but they can’t see in dim light. Dim the lights to just above dark. Ocean sounds also seem to distract them and disrupt their plotting. Press the second from bottom button on the back of the sheep with the beret (I can’t believe I just wrote that) for wave sounds. They may cry for a bit. Let them cry. The taste of tears is a natural sedative for them. If still crying after 5 minutes, give them a binky. DO NOT PICK THEM UP. It’s probably just a ruse. We’ll be back around 12 – 12:30. Call if you need anything. God be with you.

Now, I would’ve just scanned in a copy of the actual note and/or saved the original in the twins’ baby boxes.

Unfortunately, I can’t do that.

Why?

Because the next day, the twins ate the note.

No really.  They. ate. the. note.

Have you ever had to tell your childcare provider to check the diapers for a quarter sheet of 60# bright white copy paper?

We have.

It rocks.