I have had this blog for over 3 years – it is little more than a conglomoration of events, snippets of feelings and a few opinions. It’s not much of a diary and it’s really not a very good journal. I look back on my earlier posts like they were written by someone else and I think they are kind of funny – but sad, too, because I wish I had retained a little bit more of that person before.
At my current job, I feel like I am standing on a beach as the tide is coming in. As I am standing here, grains of sand are sliding out from under my feet and I am getting dragged further and further out to sea. I want to laugh it off, I want to pretend like it’s not big deal, yet at the same time, I notice subtle changes. I notice that I fear being wrong, that before I think something through, I panic. My new mantra has been “work the problem,” because I found that I have been sucked into “panic first, figure out who made the mistake, panic some more, figure out what the problem is.” I realize that I admire my dad more and more the longer I work. I know everyone loves their parents, and I have to say, I know my parents are human, but my dad is a compassionate bulldog: he figures out what’s wrong, works through it and follows up on it later. I wish I could be more like him.
I noticed that lately I have been driving ahead of the headlights. I have been anticipating problems way too far down the road and trying to resolve those along with the problems directly in front of me. I realized that I never end the day with a good stopping point – just another commitment that I am usually already late for.
I also noticed that I do not make my marriage the priority it ought to be. This is heartbreaking to me because there is no one on this planet I love more than Frank. He is, hands down, the most amazing man I know. He is patient and direct. He makes me a priority. And he loves me unconditionally. It doesn’t get much better than that.
So yeah, I have some things to work out. I wonder how much more I’m going to allow myself to be shaped by my job. I wonder how much more I will give up, how much of me can be checked at the door. I work with some great people, I don’t want to shortchange that at all. It’s complicated.
And yet, it’s not so complicated. It’s just a little 3 word question: Who am I?
And I am pretty sure that who I am is many things, but it can be best summed up by the order of my priorities – which should be 1) God, 2) Husband, 3) Family 4) work. It’s just that sometimes pesky number 4 gets ahead of the list. So easy to explain in theory, so hard to practice in life.