oh. my. goodness.
the one i really really wanted called. i’ve worked on this one for a long time, but was resigned that it wasn’t the one.
but now it’s back on the table.
and here is where we take a sudden right turn. or left. regardless… a change of course, possibly.
here. we. go.
again.
I pray that whatever happens, it is according to God’s will.
you seem absolutely fine.
absolutely fine.
absolutely.
And it’s funny, sometimes I think that I should be losing my mind more. But I’m not. There are so many things up in the air, but there are so few things I actually have control over. And that helps me because I can only do so much. When I was baptized, I choose the following verse from Matthew 6:
“31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
And now I realize that verse was a gift from God, completely, before I really understood that I needed it. He knew that this would be a struggle for me and I think of this verse often.
Ah. Almost there. But to what?
It’s been one of the worst weeks on record, I would say. I can’t even get into details, but it just got worse.
God is so faithful. Even before I knew how much I would appreciate this song, He gave it to me. It is called Sunday! and some of the lyrics are:
“Broken promises, weary hearts
But one promise remains
Crucified, He will come again
It’s Friday but Sunday is coming
Yeah, it’s Friday, but Sunday is coming”
we are in the midst of waiting on a number of things. life changing things. things that are largely out of our control. and if it was one area of our life in this position, that would be one thing. but it is across multiple areas and multiple levels. ah.
my mil is a lovely woman and she is a huge blessing to us. she reminded me of jeremiah 29:11 where God promises to prosper the people he exiled once they had finished their work. and that reminds me of a few things. sometimes that prosperity and hope is in the future for a people – a nation – not a person specifically. some people will work hard towards that future and never see it completed. but the thing is, there was work to be done – life to be lived – regardless of where God places us. so there is 70 years in exile, but whenever we seek God, no matter what, we will find Him. And that is cool. we may be far from where we want to be on earth, but not far from God.
Cool.
FK just found out today that he will be furloughed by his airline in September. This will be his second furlough in one year. Nice.
God is good. We were fortunate that he landed this latest job in the first place and know that God has this all worked out. While we are sad about this situation, we know we have to keep plugging forward.
God is good, all the time. Even when we don’t get what we think we want, He always has the best in mind for us. The thing is, sometimes that best requires years of struggle to get there.
I was thinking this afternoon/evening – what is the purpose of my blog? Why do I do it? Why do I try to make it about posting about the Bible and fail? Why do I try making it about posting about mundane life details and fail?
I realized, listening to the radio, that it has been a long time since I listened obsessively to a song. Music used to transport me to other times in my life or made what I was experiencing more full, more rich. And now, it’s a cute song with a funny lyric or a great sound, but nothing else. Sort of hollow. Even sitting here, typing, I’m not sure what to write because the words are pre-judged and wrecked before they even reach the screen. And I wonder why that is? Have I worked so hard to get the “stuff” done in life that I lost touch with the reflective, pensive side of life? Is it too hard to think of the things that have gone on?
It’s no secret that FK and I have had quite the year. Just a little over a year ago, my dad got very sick. And life was turned upside down. And FK lost his job. And started a new one halfway across the country. And now he might lose this job, too. None of this is of anyone’s doing. It’s all things that have happened to us. Maybe we could have reacted better, faster, quicker, blah. It’s all hindsight, anyway.
So here we are, stuck in this moment, this now. Every step we take feels thick with outcome. Will we have children? Will we move? Where will we work? What will we do? Who are we becoming?
And then I think back to stupid NPR. God sometimes talks to me through NPR (not kidding). I realized that I agreed with the statement that it’s not about living a successful life (generally measured by money and fame and glory) but rather a significant life. And what’s funny about the significance I mean to seek is that it is marked by the glory God is given as a result and not what is given to me. When you seek to have your life measured by those standards, it changes how you approach living.
I think a lot about how human I am. I make mistakes, I fall short of the glory. I fall short of others’ expectations, I fall short of standards. I make big mistakes, even if I meant not to. I make little mistakes, when I meant to do big greatness.
For the first time in a while, there is a song that I listen to daily. At first I thought it was so interesting that this song existed in the secular world because really – people who aren’t familiar with the Bible won’t really get the meaning of the words or the Biblical stories they are referring to. The song is Hallelujah by Kate Voegele. And funny enough, I just was reading Esther in the OT of the Bible and I thought it was interesting that it is a book that doesn’t mention faith much – but infers it throughout. I wonder if these themes are God saying to me how important it is to live in the world as a person of faith? And if so, it just reminds me of how important it is for me to do what God made me to do and how that is an important part of worshipping Him.
My dear friend VW told us that Christians would mark places where signficant things happened so that they would always remember what God had done in their lives. Maybe that’s the importance of having a blog: to mark these moments in my life. Hopefully by marking these moments, that gives God glory. And hopefully it’s these marked moments that will remind me of the richness of the blessings God has given me.
As a lot of you might know, my dad had a stroke last night. This stroke was completely unexpected and shocking, and as you can imagine, my family is wrestling with this situation (myself included).
My dad is only 52, he doesn’t smoke, he drinks once in a while (no more than a glass of wine, etc), he eats well and he exercises 3x / week. His regular physician was shocked that this happened to him because he was the picture of a middle aged man in good health. On a personal note, the regular physician was quite scared for himself as he is the same age as my dad.
Unfortunately, the stroke was quite serious and has left him paralyzed on the left side of his body. He did start to regain some broader movement this afternoon (moving his left leg, wiggling his toes slightly, lifting his shoulder), which is a huge blessing. This road to recovery is looking to be long, but I know my dad is a trooper and will approach it with the same ferverency that he approaches everything else.
For me, this whole situation has really hit quite close to home. My dad is my hero. Throughout the countless hours in the waiting room and sitting next to his bed in ICU, I have been thinking about all of my happy dad memories. A lot of those memories involve activities I did with my dad, and it makes me sad to think he might not be able to do those same things with our kids one day. You never think your parents will get old – especially when they are not old – and then one day, bam. Seeing him sitting in the hospital bed, in extreme pain and unable to move half of his body was shocking, to say the least. My dad is an excellent father, a fabulous husband and a good friend to anyone who knows him. He is tenacious and persistent, but always in a thoughtful, considerate way. I know this stroke will not keep him down, but to see him hurting, that is what really kills me. I have confidence in his ability to beat this the same way he does everything: he starts small with some kindling and small sticks, he gets a little fire going and feeds it and before you know it, he has a huge bonfire going.
You can’t help but look at this situation and think, “this is so unfair!” There are so many people that abuse their bodies and hurt other people. The question of why something like this would happen is not far from our minds. How could God let something like this happen to such a good person?
This afternoon I took a nap and a shower (both were much needed) and thought about this and prayed about this. I found myself angry at God for letting this happen to my dad. My prayers were angry, “God, You HAVE to fix this. You can’t let this happen. This can’t happen to MY dad.” And I found myself wondering why He would do this. And then, while I was 30% praying and 70% having a temper tantrum, it occurred to me that God is so much bigger than this. Who am I to demand from the creator of the universe an explanation? Who do I think I am that I think I have this all figured out -that I can figure out God? What an incredible amount of pride and ego I must have. One of my friends just wrote about putting God in her box and expecting God to live up to her expectations. Here I was, doing the exact same thing.
The fact of the matter is, bad things happen to good people all the time. The question is not WHY does this happen, but rather, what do I need to learn from this and how can I help? Why does anything happen? I’m not sure, but that isn’t my job. I will drive myself crazy wondering why my dad is suffering like this and nothing will improve, nothing will get better.
So anyway, that’s what I’m going through – that’s what my whole family is going through. I just want to thank everyone for all of their prayers during this time. When someone tells me that they are praying for my dad, my heart just rejoices because in my mind, I see all of these sparkling prayers flying up to heaven and it’s beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
As we say in my family: Tiwinot, mecca sicca, cacapoopoo.
The new Youth Pastor candidate is in town this weekend. He’s a native Chicagoan with a thick Chicago accent to back it up (woot woot!). He spoke last night at Church and he will be doing a question and answer session this afternoon, have dinner with our student leadership team and hang with our small groups tonight. I’m worn out thinking about his schedule!
Please be praying that God will show us and him if he is the right fit for the church or not. And if he is the right fit – I hope he starts ASAP!!! 🙂 Frank and I are both ready to be regular leaders, hanging with the kids.
Ok, now I have to run to church to run the adult leaders meeting (poor Frank got called in to work yesterday).
Rock and Roll. I feel a little better today, just in case anyone was wondering.
So what is God’s design for my life? This is the big question lately. More on this later.
This weekend shouldn’t be as action-packed as previous weekends. We’re going to a movie night at Dave & Andrea G’s house on Friday. I’m making my famous (infamous??) baked brie. Frank should be very happy–both of us could eat half a brie wheel each. Ugh. Bad for the waistline.
Saturday I have ground school. I am a terrible future pilot, I have to admit–I hope I pass!!! After that, we are driving to lovely Champaign-Urbana to see Entertainment Night at Frank’s old college church. This year I don’t think Frank has plans to perform (thank goodness), so it should be a laid-back night full of laughs. 🙂
I’m not sure what we’re doing Sunday, but church is definitely included.
Mmmm…
That’s it, I think.
Things at work are better, I’ve calmed down a lot, which is good. I wouldn’t have made it through that time without God and Frank (I know some of you get confused–they are not one in the same 😉 ) and my family and friends. So yeah. As I find more quotes that I want to post, I’ll throw them up on this board.
~Em
emmy kay and co. 