Anyone who tells you they aren’t keeping track of who is winning in this game of parenting is a liar.
I’m keeping track. And based on the results of this Christmas season, I don’t think I’m playing for the winning team.
The game? Parenting. The goal? To raise your children. The obstacle? They will try to raise you. Every time a parent is able to maintain peace and present a unified front, parents get a point. Every time a child successfully demolishes that facade? Point to the child.
For Christmas, we are scoring a few key areas:
- The Christmas Card Picture (2 possible points for execution and final product)
- The Christmas Outing (3 possible points for execution, most remaining Christmas Spirit and photographic evidence)
- Christmas Presents (2 possible points for sustained delight and photographic evidence)
- Official Christmas Festivities (1 point for attending church, 1 point for ensemble’s attire, 2 points for general outcome, 3 points for photographic evidence)
Total Possible Points: 15
Winner must win by at least two points.
Let the scoring commence.
The Christmas Card Picture: Twins 2 points
It took three separate photo shoots on three separate days, relocated furniture, bribes and a counseling session for mom and dad, but we finally captured this shot:
The thing is, I would’ve split the points evenly since we did get a cute shot, but the reason the girls look so angelic is because they are looking at us saying, “Mom, we live in a world that has sanity, and that sanity has to be destroyed by babies with attitude. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Dad? We have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for your sanity, and you curse your interrupted sleep. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know. That the toilet, while alluring to us in so many ways, probably distracted us from coloring on your walls. And our existence, while occasionally cute and snuggly to you, ends sanity. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want to be insane, you need to be insane. We use words like poopoos, uh oh, binkies. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent dismantling your sanity. You use them as a punchline. We have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to parents who cuddle and snuggle under the blankie of the very crazy joy that we provide, and then question the manner in which we provide it. We would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, we suggest you pick up a binkie, and stand a post. Either way, we don’t give a hoot what Christmas pictures you think you are entitled to.” Not kidding. Even with angelic faces, the soundtrack playing behind their innocent eyes was definitely Col. Jessup.
The Christmas Outing: Twins 2 Points, Parents 1 Point
First of all, kudos to Frank because he scored us our one point. Frank went into the Christmas outing with an expectation of insanity. His expectations were met and therefore, his Christmas Outing experience did not damage his overall sense of Christmas Joy. The remaining points were awarded to the twins.
Between packed aisles, mobs of people at 9 a.m. and the veritable cornucopia of crap that comes with twin toddlers (diaper bags, coats, hats, binkies, bottles, snacks, etc, etc, etc), maneuvering through the store formerly called Marshall Fields was a hot, sweaty challenge. Santa was on floor five. Walnut Room, floor seven. Christmas Tree viewing? Floor eight. Elevators were cramped with 10 people and a double tandem stroller. We eventually ditched the stroller and introduced the twins to the escalators, which they enjoyed.
The folks at the store formerly called Marshall Fields packed us all into a table with about four inches between us and our neighboring table. Which is fine if it’s not a brunch buffet and everyone doesn’t need to get up to get their brunch. But guess what?? It’s a BUFFET! Squee!
All in all, my siblings and my dad helped maintain the general Christmas spirit and even the twins were happy to scarf down “cake” (muffins… which, really, let’s be honest? Breakfast cake.)
Unfortunately, what you are about to see is the best picture from the three that we took. And therefore, proof that the twins did win two points, fair and square:
Christmas Presents: Parents 1 point, Twins 1 point
The proof is in the video. I’m gonna go ahead and give myself credit for the amazing kitchen set that I put together.
But then, the nod goes to the twin to the all-out hysteria when Ms. Ellie did not get 100% dominance over the shopping cart they received as a gift from Aunt Cathy. That hysteria can be glimpsed at the end of this video. I stopped filming when it went to crazy-town levels.
Christmas Festivities: Parents 3 points, Twins 4 points
First, we got a “gimme” point because we did go to church. And it was relatively uneventful and we even went to Chipotle for a traditional Christmas burrito bol. I think Jesus would’ve approved.
I also gave us a “gimme” point because we were all dressed for Christmas Day. We were even dressed in somewhat coordinating outfits. Point.
I’m also going to say that we split the difference on the general Christmas experience. While the girls certainly gave us a run for our money, we retaliated with an appearance by the big guy in a red suit.
You can even see that Ellie’s cousin Josh is a little horrified as well. Score!
Final score? Twins 10, Parents 5.