I was talking to my friend Ginger*, my on-again-off-again Weight Watchers (WW) buddy.  I have noticed a pattern emerging from our many trists with the evil dub-dub.

1. Grief. Right before you log on to WW.com to sign up AGAIN, I think “Did I have my last hot dog FOREVER? How about one more large cheesy beef with extra cheese, hold the veggies of any kind except for french fries (which is totally a vegetable) with extra cheese – make that orange cheese?” It is anguish and sadness that comes and goes when you least expect it.

2. Anger. Ginger is currently dealing with anger.

“Wait, how many points do you get?” she asked me on the phone tonight. “THAT IS TWELVE MORE THAN I GET!”

I could hear the rage pouring through the phone.

“Well, yay for me, Ginge, I’m fatter than you.  Woot!” I tell her enthusiastically, hoping to distract her.

“And I have to budget for JACK DANIELS!” she wails. “Do you know I ate a Smart Ones Cheeseburger snack burger FOR DINNER tonight?? It was four points.”

“Wait, four points?” I ask, concerned. “I counted it as five points today when I had it for a snack.”

I hear rustling in the background. “Wait. You’re right. Five. Hold on – that was your SNACK? I don’t even get a snack!” she continues hysterically. Then I hear gulping. I assume it is the aforementioned Jack Daniels.

3. Delusion. About partway into day three, I start telling myself that I really am not THAT bad off. Who cares if I have to use a rubberband to close my pants and I’m not even pregnant?? Whatevs. I can live like this.

4. Horror. This usually immediately follows delusion when I see a picture of myself now or step on the scale. Horror also has a lovely subcategory of shame-spiraling: I will never leave the house again! WHAAA!!!

5. Acceptance. This usually happens on a day when I’ve been distracted by reality TV long enough to forget to eat an entire chocolate cake.  And I think, “Wow, how do I have so many points left for dinner?  This is amazing and WW is an awesome program!”

The important thing when it comes to successfully participating in WW is to try to live in stage #5, until you can get your dear friend Ginger on the phone so together you can experience #1-4.

Otherwise, I usually just eat a chocolate cake and pour dark hershey’s syrup directly into my mouth.

And yet, I’m not really sure why my pants stopped fitting. Curious.

*name has been changed to protect the somewhat innocent…

… Also, Ginger would like you all to know she’s moved on to Vodka…