It has become apparent to me today that Frank and I desperately need dance lessons.
This is not just for us – it’s for everyone who has to watch us dance.
And it’s not because of Frank. Standing at 6’9″, Mr. Frank can cut a rug seven ways until Sunday.
If you know me, and you know Frank, then you know that the source of our dance move mojo… issues… is me. And here is my amateur diagnosis of what goes wrong on the dance floor…
thing 1: rhythm
A major element of dancing is rhythm. You know, keeping a beat. It’s a fundamental element of dance. As in, required. Oddly enough, my inability to keep a beat (and carry a tune and sing & clap simultaneously) was a leading factor in my decision to end my orchestral career after 8 long years of torturing a variety of dedicated musical professionals. Tonight, for example, there was a song playing and everyone was clapping along with it. Some people were even stomping and clapping. Me? I was clapping. Was I clapping at the same time as everyone else? No. And I certainly wasn’t stomping at the same time as everyone else. As a matter of fact, I probably wasn’t even dancing to the same song as everyone else on the dance floor. It probably looked like I was having a stroke.
thing 2: mah moves
I think that dance class would be beneficial in helping me develop more than four moves. “What are your moves, exactly?” you might ask. Well, generally my “moves” involve looking at the people dancing near me and trying to do what they are doing. If I can’t do what they are doing, I do some sort of variation on aggressively stepping to the left and right, twitching, anxious hair adjustments and grinding on my husband’s leg. The last dance move has been banned in some of the more conservative states in the Union, but my lawyer is appealing on grounds that I can’t help myself.
thing 3: leadership skillz
If you thought that my lack of rhythm or any dance skillz at all would’ve stopped me from trying to lead on the dance floor, then you’d be wrong. I have serious control issues that manifest themselves in trying to take over during slow songs. Frank, being the alpha male-type that he is, often fights me for control. Lucky for him, I also don’t have a good sense of balance, so usually he can regain the lead while I am trying not to fall on top of the cute 80 year old couple doing the foxtrot next to us. Our struggle for the lead has resulted in a lot of clenched smiles as we hiss at each other “one-TWO-three-FOUR” and “NO! ONE-two-THREE-FOUR!!!”
So… any suggestions on where to take dance lessons? We still have three more weddings this year (although one is tomorrow, so we are probably too late on that one).