Hello from a fancy hospital bed that goes up and down and has wheels!

In the land of lost dignity (bed pan much?) and swallowed pride (sure, I don’t mind if four people watch this cervical exam), I’ve been enjoying the view of the world from between my two elevated feet.  Since it appears that I will be here at the hospital for at most another 12 days, this might not be my only “three things: hospital bed rest” editions.  Bearing that in mind, I thought I’d share three highlights from my stay in the south tower.

thing one: the food

If you know me at all in real life, you had to see this coming.  Initially, I didn’t have an appetite.  Shocking, I know, but that just tells you how intense the mag drip was.  An Emily without an appetite is really not an Emily that anyone wants to know.  Since I didn’t have an appetite when they handed me the menu, I was really impressed with the seemingly extensive food offerings available and looking forward to the day when I would be hungry enough to order them.  Of course, my appetite has returned with a vengeance and now the menu looks all sad and boring.  Really, I can work through a lot of things, but bad food might cause me to go back into active labor!

Fortunately, just as the reality of my menu/food situation was settling in, a nutritionist stopped by to talk to me about my eating and to encourage me to… wait for it.. EAT MORE!  She told me to order snacks and even gave me access to the general population cafeteria which has things like PRIME RIB and COCONUT SHRIMP and SPLIT PEA SOUP!!  And, the extended menu changes daily!!

I’ll check back in on this issue in the future, I am sure.  But so far, the food has been OK.

thing two: the outfits

Let me tell you, I’ve started several amazing fashion trends while here in the hospital.  From support hose to gowns that open in the back, fashionistas in Milan have nothing on this girl.

Let’s talk gowns first.  Loose, flowing gowns are all the rage.  Everyone who is anyone is wearing one.  Especially when they are a pale mint green with pastel purple and blue hash marks.   You’ve heard of gowns that accentuate your cleavage?  Well, these gowns reveal your entire rear end – far more risqué than just a bosom-bearing frock.  Have a heart condition?  No worries! There is a handy pocket in the front with a secret hole that will allow your doctors to monitor your heart while you are working the party circuit.  Who says being health-conscious means ignoring your cardiac issues?  And if you’re not a cardiac patient on the run, it’s a great place to store your cell phone.

Because no mint green bootilicous fashion statement would be complete without the perfect footwear, my friends at the hospital have hooked this girl up with some rockin’ kicks.  Wearing plain gray socks would not only be boring, but possibly very dangerous due to the chance of slippage.  These fashion-forward, highly functional socks feature TREAD!  And because it’s hard sometimes to remember to put the tread on the bottom of the socks, these socks have tread on both the top and the bottom.  Sweet!

For those of you who like shapely legs, might I suggest a pair of compression stockings?  You might work up a sweat getting these socks over your big toe, but once on, the socks do an excellent job of relocating any cellulite from your calves to your knees.  And everyone knows that if your knees look really big, your feet will look small and dainty.  Who doesn’t love small and dainty feet?

thing three: free cable!

While I am totally aware that I am still paying for cable at my house that I am not watching, there is something about watching free cable in a hospital room that makes it seem all the more delicious.  Maybe it’s because when I watch TV at home, I am acutely aware of the fact that by watching extensive amounts of TV, I am NOT doing something I think I SHOULD be doing.  Like… pretty much anything else.  But as a patient in the hospital who is not even allowed to leave the room without being put in a wheelchair, I have no other options most of the time that I am sitting here. It’s like watching cable is part of what it is going to take to keep these babies healthy and happy.  And what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t consume as much TV as possible in order help my children?

That being said, for those of you who may be sleeping at around  3 a.m., you should just know that Food Network switches over to paid programming.  Just in case you were wondering.

That is all.