Oh. My. Goodness.

There is nothing that is more horrific to me than dealing with AT&T online.

Let me explain.

I get my online bill in my email inbox. I click “Pay bill now.”

I go to the URL and I enter my email address and password. The very same one I used to login to the email account in order to pay my bill, actually. The. Very. Same. One.

Now, sometimes it works. For months, even years, I can pay my bill without incident.

But the second I delete my cookies or internet files, the whole lame thing falls apart.

What happens when it DOESN’T work (which it hasn’t worked since we moved back to Illinois – oh yes, this kind of joy even happened in Wisconsin), is a thing called the Death Loop.

I click. I go to their website. I enter my password. I am directed to a page that MISLEADINGLY looks like a hub page. I click “manage accounts.” Nothing. Click it again. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I try going back – and still find myself back at this nothing hub page.

I try a different route through “My Yahoo AT&T.”

Nothing.

I do this for about 90 seconds. Trying, trying to find my way out of this labyrinth.

NO FREAKING LUCK.

Hello, Death Loop.

And then, today, I called AT&T. And I have to tell you that I dislike calling them almost as much as I dislike their website.

I call and get their voice activated prompts. YES. Love this.

“Please enter or say your phone number,” the too-polite voice says.

Because I know TALKING is futile, I enter my phone number into the keypad.

“Ok, thank you. I will look that up for you. Alright, please say why you are calling today. If you are calling to Pay a Bill, say ‘Pay a Bill'”

“Pay a bill.”

“Did you say ‘Kill my dog*?’ Please say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, please say why you are calling today.”

“Pay A Bill.”

“You said, ‘Pay a bill.’ Is this correct?”

“Yes.”

Silence.

“YES, DARN IT, YES!”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, please say why you are calling.”

“I WANT TO PAY MY BILL!”

At this point, I am sooooo frustrated, I hit zero 30 times in a row. I found that this is an effective method for bypassing the smarmy computer troll.

“I’m sorry, our office hours are 7 am to 6 pm. Please call back during normal office hours.”

WHAT!?!

Disbelief. Shock. Anger. Sadness.

And I look down. It’s 6:02 pm. SIX OH TWO!!!!

Can someone please give me a puppy to kick???***

Ok, and I know. I know. There are sooo many bigger issues in life to deal with. So many people who would love this to be their most angering issue in the day. I get that. But really, AT&T? Really? I just want to give you our money. Please, let me give you our freaking money.

*Slight exaggeration on my part.
**Note: bill payment issues aside, I generally like AT&T. They just make it so hard to love them. So. Stinkin. Hard.
***Totally just kidding about the puppy. I don’t kick puppies and I don’t condone others kicking puppies. If you actually kick puppies on purpose, I probably don’t like you. And neither does your mom. Sorry, but that’s life. Puppy kickers don’t get Christmas presents from their moms. Or Santa.