Dad has said some doozies since he’s been in the hospital that have kept us laughing. Just to share a few…
Dad: See that bottle over there?
Emily: Yes Dad?
Dad: I have to pee into that. If I don’t, they are going to catheterize me.
Frank: We don’t want that!
Dad: No, we don’t. And they want to give me a tylenol suppository, can you believe that? This is like a bad prison movie!
later, after Frank and I came back from getting breakfast…
Dad (opening one eye): While you were gone…. they catheterized me!!!
Dad (in the middle of physical therapy, talking to Uncle Steve): I can stand better than you can golf!
The hospital where he was at played a lullaby throughout all of the rooms, each time a baby was born. During a 15 minute telephone conversation, the song played 5 times.
Dad: Holy crap, they’re spraying babies out into the parking lot! Oh no, there is one on my bed and he’s smoking a cigar. He looks like Papa!
Dad: Caitlin, can you please move me back to the other room?
Caitlin: Dad, the other room is in ICU. I can’t take you back there.
Dad: I’d do it for you.
Caitlin: I’m sorry, but I can’t move you.
Dad: Paunchy, my pillow, would do it for me if he could. But he can’t.
Paunchy the Pillow: I’d do it for you Rick.
Paunchy the Pillow: Oh no, I just had a stroke!
Dad: Paunchy just had a stroke in his right feather.
Mom: Rick, how are you doing this morning?
Dad: I still have a headache.
Mom: Ok, can you do me a favor? Can you hit the call button and have the nurses give you a vicodin?
Dad: My head still hurts.
Mom: I know, Rick. Please, hit the call button and have the nurses give you some vicodin. I will call you back in 30 minutes.
30 minutes later, Mom calls back, but the room is busy. She calls the nurses’ station.
Mom: Hi, my husband’s phone is busy. Can you check to see that it isn’t off the hook?
Nurse: One moment. (brief pause) Ok, it looks like he requested all incoming calls to be blocked. He told the operator that you requested it.
Mom: Oh, for Pete’s sake, I told him to hit the call button!
Later, once Mom got a hold of Dad.
Mom: Richard, I asked you to call the nurses, why did you have your calls blocked?
Dad (Irritated): You told me TWICE to block the calls.
Mom: I told you TWICE to hit the call button!!
Mom: Did you get the vicodin?
Mom: Ok. Good.
Dad: Where is Mom?
Emily: She’s showering. She’ll be on her way.
Dad: It’s always something with her.
Dad (Pointing his index finger that has a pulse monitor on it): ET phone home.
Dad (Anytime someone came into his room): Rick. June. 52. (The nurses always asked him his name, the month and his age)
Dad: I told them I wanted to do my rehab outpatient.
Emily: You did what??
Dad: I need to get out of here. I told them I could do my therapy outpatient. She fed me some crap about this being the gold standard in hospital care. She’s a (expletive, expletive).