things dad says

Dad has said some doozies since he’s been in the hospital that have kept us laughing. Just to share a few…

Dad: See that bottle over there?
Emily: Yes Dad?
Dad: I have to pee into that. If I don’t, they are going to catheterize me.
Frank: We don’t want that!
Dad: No, we don’t. And they want to give me a tylenol suppository, can you believe that? This is like a bad prison movie!

later, after Frank and I came back from getting breakfast…

Dad (opening one eye): While you were gone…. they catheterized me!!!

Dad (in the middle of physical therapy, talking to Uncle Steve): I can stand better than you can golf!

The hospital where he was at played a lullaby throughout all of the rooms, each time a baby was born. During a 15 minute telephone conversation, the song played 5 times.
Dad: Holy crap, they’re spraying babies out into the parking lot! Oh no, there is one on my bed and he’s smoking a cigar. He looks like Papa!

Dad: Caitlin, can you please move me back to the other room?
Caitlin: Dad, the other room is in ICU. I can’t take you back there.
Dad: I’d do it for you.
Caitlin: I’m sorry, but I can’t move you.
Dad: Paunchy, my pillow, would do it for me if he could. But he can’t.
Paunchy the Pillow: I’d do it for you Rick.
Dad: See.
Paunchy the Pillow: Oh no, I just had a stroke!
Dad: Paunchy just had a stroke in his right feather.

Mom: Rick, how are you doing this morning?
Dad: I still have a headache.
Mom: Ok, can you do me a favor? Can you hit the call button and have the nurses give you a vicodin?
Dad: My head still hurts.
Mom: I know, Rick. Please, hit the call button and have the nurses give you some vicodin. I will call you back in 30 minutes.
30 minutes later, Mom calls back, but the room is busy. She calls the nurses’ station.
Mom: Hi, my husband’s phone is busy. Can you check to see that it isn’t off the hook?
Nurse: One moment. (brief pause) Ok, it looks like he requested all incoming calls to be blocked. He told the operator that you requested it.
Mom: Oh, for Pete’s sake, I told him to hit the call button!
Later, once Mom got a hold of Dad.
Mom: Richard, I asked you to call the nurses, why did you have your calls blocked?
Dad (Irritated): You told me TWICE to block the calls.
Mom: I told you TWICE to hit the call button!!
Dad: Oh.
Mom: Did you get the vicodin?
Dad: Yeah.
Mom: Ok. Good.

Dad: Where is Mom?
Emily: She’s showering. She’ll be on her way.
Dad: It’s always something with her.

Dad (Pointing his index finger that has a pulse monitor on it): ET phone home.

Dad (Anytime someone came into his room): Rick. June. 52. (The nurses always asked him his name, the month and his age)

Dad: I told them I wanted to do my rehab outpatient.
Emily: You did what??
Dad: I need to get out of here. I told them I could do my therapy outpatient. She fed me some crap about this being the gold standard in hospital care. She’s a (expletive, expletive).
Emily: Oh.

2 thoughts on “things dad says

  1. your dad is so funny!! i’m SO glad to see he still has his sense of humor! we’re still praying for all you guys! hope you all are hanging in there. i can’t wait to have some girl time with you!! miss ya! 🙂

  2. i love your recaps of conversations… you’re dad is funny. i miss you and love you lots. i hope your dad’s recovery continues to improve.

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