it is monday night

July 28, 2014July 29, 2014 / emmykay / 1 Comment

It is Monday night. The street lights flickered on a few hours ago, lighting the way home for a few weary travelers.

It is Monday night and the children are asleep… finally. The twins made their last several trips down the stairs to report that they needed water or a song or a snuggle.

The baby, in her easy sweetness, fell asleep with a smile that lingered there even after her heavy lids closed reluctantly.

It is Monday night and the house is humming along with the dishwasher. The lights are dimmed, the counters cleared and the TV silent.

I feel content.

This is a rare feeling for me. I usually have a million things I’m thinking about and working on and wondering on.

But right now, in this moment, I am content.

I’ve felt this contented feeling before and squandered it with worry. This contentment resembles the achy happy tired feeling after a worthwhile day of work in the yard and a much-deserved shower. It feels fresh and exhausted.

Right about now – just as I am about to let out the long sigh of relief and happiness – is exactly when I want to start thinking about the next thing. But I won’t.

Maybe I am getting wiser with age. Maybe I finally learned to live in the moment.

Maybe.

But it doesn’t matter right now – just being here, in this space and in this gentle peace, is enough.

refocused

January 4, 2011 / emmykay / Leave a comment

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” ~Micah 6:8

I was having a rough day emotionally. Really, a rough week. I’ve been over-tired and that makes the days long. Being tired distorts the lens through which I look at life. Little things seem big and big things seem gigantic.

Tonight I was letting myself just get worked up. I can’t even say what I was worked up about because it’s sooo inconsequential to anything. And I decided to go on BibleGateway.net to see what the verse of the day was and it was the verse I posted above.

It was like drinking cool water on a hot summer day.

Sometimes I over-think things (this is not shocking news to people who know me) and I find myself worrying about things that I should not worry about. Telling me “don’t worry” is seldom effective in turning my attention from my generally inane worries.

Saying “don’t worry” makes me try to find ways to justify my concerns.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, put the verse from Micah in front of me tonight just when I needed it. The verse does not say, “The Lord requires you to be awesome all the time, to never make mistakes, and to win popularity contests.” What the verse does say provides a lot of freedom. God has shown me what is good:

Act Justly.

Love Mercy.

To Walk Humbly with our God.

In the simplicity of the words, there is so much beauty. God does not explicitly list of rules and regulations, but He gives us wisdom. Am I seeking justice? Am I being merciful? Is (whatever behavior) allowing me to walk with Jesus? And the thing is, more often than not, if I am being honest with myself, I know when my actions are good – and when they fall short.

If you read the rest of Micah 6, he spends a lot of time reminding the readers of all the things God has already done for them. How easily I forget all that God has done! Writing down 100 joys over the holidays was a great reminder of the abundance of blessings God has put in our lives – big and little.

And so I think about what was troubling me before, and I know that it was just a distraction.

three things: thanksgiving

November 25, 2010 / emmykay / Leave a comment

Frank and I are so blessed and this Thanksgiving I wanted to spend some time reflecting on three big blessings

Thing 1: Family

My family – immediate and extended – is such a huge blessing. My family is a collection of vibrant, fun, interesting people with very distinct personalities. This means that life is always interesting! Even between Frank and I, we are both very different people, but we really enjoy each other greatly. We are both so excited to add two new little personalities to our family! I can’t wait to see the little people they are and how they fit into our already personality-filled family 🙂

Thing 2: Friends

Frank and I have been so fortunate to have wonderful friends. We have friends that are close by in geographic proximity and we have friends all around the country, but thanks to technology, we never seem to be far apart.

Thing 3: The Tough Stuff

For the past few years, I’ve realized how grateful I am for the difficult times. Even though it’s rough, I’ve noticed that my faith is strengthened, my marriage grows and my friends become closer as we go through challenges. I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes about how I’m feeling, so having this blog as an outlet as well as close friends to talk to about the things we’ve experienced has made it all the easier. But without the difficult times, I wouldn’t appreciate the good times as much, either.

God smells like grass

March 17, 2010 / emmykay / 2 Comments

Walking out of work today, there was a smell on the air that smelled like summer and sunshine and softball and Saturdays at dusk. It was the smell of grass.

I breathed the smell in deeply and I smiled.

If God had a smell, I think it would be fresh grass.

This has been a long winter. I feel like last winter never ended and it just bled into this winter.

Maybe that says more about the emotional situations that Frank and I have been dealing with than the actual state of the weather around here.

But there was a peace in the air, sweet like the smell of the grass, that made me feel hopeful that while it has been rough, it is far from over.

The world will be new again.

2.2 miles of therapy

August 4, 2009 / emmykay / Leave a comment

I think running is therapy for me.

It’s me, proving to myself, that I can run. I can make it each quarter mile further.

Each step is me not caving.

Each step reminds me of the verses in the Bible that say to rejoice in suffering and trials.

Each step reminds me that because I took one step, the next time it will be easier and faster and lighter.

People have said that you run against no one but yourself.

And that’s true.

But you also run for no one but yourself and because God gave us the ability to choose to run.

I run for me and to be closer to God. Even if I say nothing and He says nothing, it’s sort of like an aligning of me with His Spirit.

I run as fast as I can mentally and physically and emotionally.

Tonight I started crying while I was running, but I kept going. I ran through the tears and found a good pace and felt better.

I was crying because the thought occurred to me that the saddest and hardest part of what we are going through is the thought that if we don’t have children, who will tell future generations how much Frank and I loved eachother? Who will tell future generations the great things that God has done in our lives?

And you know, I don’t have anything else to say about that. It’s just sad. And yeah, maybe we will have kids. And maybe we won’t. I think I’m just sad.

The cool thing about running is that sometimes it gets really hard. Sometimes I think, “I just can’t go on, I’ll never make the next mile.” And then, I push and I make it. That gives me a lot of hope.

So maybe right now it’s hard and I’m just sad, but I will persevere. And God’s Word says that perseverance builds character and character gives us hope.

In sadness I can have hope. And that is awesome.